He Cheated, She Cheated, We Cheated

Ebony A. Utley, Ph.D. is a professor of communication studies at California State University–Long Beach. As an entrepreneur, she develops and consults on technologies to improve romantic relationships. She is also a certified yoga instructor who believes in the power of yoga to help women heal from trauma and infidelity.

Table of Contents


Acknowledgments

Introduction

Section One: I Was the Last to Know That My Partner Cheated on Me

Danielle: “It took several fights for him to understand the terrible position that he put me in.”

Janet: “You know about me and you’re okay with him having sex with both of us?”

Kathy: “When you’re married and you love someone you do not stop loving them because you find out today what they did yesterday.”

Willa: “I’ve had more STDs than Carter’s got pills and I have been with no one other than him.”

Stacey: “I always thought he would change, but being with him changed me.”

India: “A person who constantly accuses you is reflecting their guilt.”

Dee: “I can’t be a wife that allows my husband to openly have an affair.”

delete• deleteUnderstanding Public Infidelity Betrayal

Section Two: I Experienced “Infidelity Plus”

Elizabeth: “Affairs don’t happen to nice ­middle-class Jewish girls!”

Sam: “It was very frustrating to feel like I had paid for the social activities that led to her cheating on me.”

Teah: “He was playing Russian roulette with his health and mine.”

CeCe: “He had no control. He threw away everything for sex.”

Faye: “I was already suffering from his cheating, so I couldn’t imagine how bad it would be if I were cheating too.”

Marie: “I became a mad woman on this ­hell-bent quest to find out everything.”

Forsythia: “His violation of trust hindered my ability to trust my world.”

Seville: “As soon as I left, he was trying to get on top of her.”

Dot: “I fucked up my whole life over a person.”

delete• deleteUnderstanding “Infidelity Plus”

Section Three: I Cheated on My Partner

Frances: “I know it’s weird to say that I was in love with her and slept with someone else at the same time.”

Assata: “But I knew after I cheated on him that we would have to break up because I’m not really a cheater like that.”

Sue: “Once my husband caught me cheating, all of these complaints came out and there was no taking them back.”

Evelyn: “Right person, wrong time.”

Nicole: “Once you have an affair people think of you as the kind of person that can have an affair.”

Taj: “A part of me wanted to be caught so that it would force my husband to deal with our issues.”

Sofia: “I wish I felt guilty about how good that sex felt.”

Rosa: “To be honest, I’m not sure who my son’s father is.”

Jennifer: “There’s something about that feeling of sleeping with someone new that I just can’t seem to recreate in any other aspect

of my life.”

Ayn: “It was the craziest four months sleeping with the both of them without either of them knowing.”

Fiona: “When I had a good closeness with a guy, I had sex with him just to keep him around.”

Tracy: “I was trying my best to not cheat on this boyfriend, but there’s something about my personality that just loves to push boundaries.”

Cree: “That convention was a complete vacation from my life. I didn’t want it to stop.”

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Section Four: I Was the Other Woman

Sasha: “It started with explicit text messaging that detailed all of the things that he wanted to do to me.”

Lita: “I think regret is a stupid emotion, so I never regret the things that I have done.”

Elle: “Did I just accidentally become someone’s mistress?”

Barbara: “I knew that playing hard to get made him want me more.”

Brenda: “I don’t like how I feel about what I’m doing to her.”

Sadie: “I think he wanted me to be envious of his wife’s life.”

Raven: “If we’re going to do this, it’s only your wife and me.”

Xeena: “I was doing my best friend.”

Sheva: “If all of us are in the same bed together, everybody needs to know what’s going on.”

Denise: “If you are in so many different relationships with people who aren’t yours to be in a relationship with, it’s never
going to work.”

Ferris: “We often have sex in the same bed that they sleep in.”

Adriana: “Even now as I allow myself to rehash the memories of having sex with him, I still feel that throbbing and aching
need for him.”

Tru: “If someone came to me with a crust of bread, I would’ve treated it like a gourmet meal.”

delete• deleteUnderstanding the Other Woman

Section Five: We Cheated on Each Other; It’s Complicated

Ishtar: “My husband confessed that he had a lot of fantasies about me being with other men.”

Julie: “You can’t have a girlfriend and a wife.”

Anne: “Basically, we had an open marriage, I just didn’t know it.”

Melanie: “I want to try to love myself more so that I’m strong enough to leave him.”

Florence: “Being unfaithful helped me get free.”

Symone: “Overall, I was as faithful as I could be.”

Lindsay: “Two weeks after that, we told our spouses what we had done, left our marriages, and have been together ever since.”

Jane: “We each had an affair that we talked about with each other.”

delete• deleteUnderstanding “It’s Complicated” Infidelity

Section Six: I’ve Experienced Multiple Aspects of Infidelity

in Multiple Relationships

Sandra: “I knew logically in my mind that it was absurd to be talking to my girlfriend’s lover.”

Thumbalina: “It wasn’t as hard as I thought to be honest with myself about myself.”

Antoinette: “Every time a man professed his love for me, it turned out to be a lie.”

Coco: “Sex is sex. I just liked the pleasure of it. You’re not supposed to feel bad about it.”

Ava: “I’ve been unfaithful due to the fact that I feel like it’s already going to get done to me.”

Ebony: “There was a lot of pain in my childhood and I’ve indulged in a lot of personal pleasures to hide that pain.”

Sherry: “He made sure no other man would ever want me again.”

delete• deleteUnderstanding Multiple Experiences with Infidelity

Conclusion: Infidelity’s Secrets

Section Notes

Bibliography

Online Resources

Index