Living An Orgasmic Life

Xanet Pailet is a recovered New York City health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full time sex and intimacy coach, writer, blogger, and teacher. She works with individuals and couples to empower them around their sexuality and strengthen relationship and intimacy skills. Xanet is particularly passionate about working with women, men and couples who are sexually disconnected. Through her work, and the many tools that she offers, she helps them reclaim their pleasure and transform their relationships and their lives. Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, and Tantra Educator. She is on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute and teaches regularly at Good Vibrations in San Francisco. She offers 1:1 coaching via Skype or in person in the Bay Area. She also offers online group coaching programs and speaks regularly at national and local conferences and events. She lives in beautiful and serene Marin County, CA. Connect with Xanet at www.powerofpleasure.com. Dr. Emily Morse has been voted the #1 dating & sex expert to follow on Twitter by Esquire & Stylecaster. Her Podcast: Sex with Emily, is downloaded over a million times every month. Morse is now a sex talk pioneer of one of the most successful brands in the field of sexual health — leading the charge in modern day sex education, turning it on it’s heels in ways no one has ever before. Emily served as co-host of the famed Loveline radio show featuring Dr. Drew Pinsky, made appearances on national programs like The Today Show and The Doctors and even starred in a Bravo series about sex and relationships experts finding love called Miss Advised.

Introduction

PART ONE: Healing yourself from Shame, Sexual Abuse and Physical Trauma

Chapter 1: A Night of Goddess Worship Can Change Your Life

Chapter 2: Living a Life of Lies

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

The Widening Divide

What Happened to Us?

We were doomed from the start

Finding a Home in Your Body

Chapter 3: Women are Programmed to Say “No” to Sex

An Oversexed, Sex-Starved Culture

Sexless Marriage vs Upsetting the Apple Cart

Where Did my Libido Go?

“Keep your legs shut!”

Good Girl Madonna, Bad Girl Whore

The more we have sex, the more we want sex (Good sex begets more good sex)

Chapter 4: Shame: The Nastiest Five-Letter Word in the Universe

The Shame/Pleasure Paradox

Ancient Cultures Were Sex-Positive

Shame and Your Sexual Blueprint

Jessica’s Story: Body Shame

Jeff’s Story: Delayed Ejaculation Shame

Sexual Blueprint Exercise

Tim’s Story: Shame from Inappropriate Attraction

Anya’s Story: Sexually Repressed Shame

Bob’s Story: Shame Around Experiencing Desire

Masturbation and Shame

Delia’s Story: Masturbation Shame and Disassociation from Pleasure

Keith’s Story: Masturbation Shame and Early Ejaculation

Body Shame: A Generalized, Cultural Disorder

Exercise: Body Talk

Too Big, Too Small: Sex Organ Shame

Jim’s Story: Cock Size Shame

Pussy Shame

Annie’s Story: My Vagina is Normal!

Sexual Fetishism

Ralph’s Story: Cross Dressing and Submissive Shame

Chapter 5: Sexual Abuse and Trauma

Overt and Covert Abuse

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Impact on Sexuality

Anne’s Story: Unresolved Trauma causing Vaginismus

Repression of Memories

Trauma and Self-Protection Mechanisms

Darla’s Story: Trauma and Disassociation

Tonya’s Story: Trauma and Over-Stimulation

Ellen’s Story: Slaying the Tiger

Downstream Effects of Abuse

Lilly’s Story: Trauma and Fear of Intimacy

Cecilia’s Story: Trauma and Self-Abusive Behavior

Men and Sexual Trauma

David’s Story: Recreating Abusive Relationships

Working with Sexual Trauma

Jessie and Mark’s Story: Resolving Trauma and Reclaiming their Sex Life

Chapter 6: The Body Remembers: Trauma & Physical Imprinting

Trauma and Physical Imprinting

Body Memory

Physical Trauma’s Impact on Sexuality

Heal the Body, Heal the Mind

Releasing Trapped Pain from Trauma

Raina’s Story: Trauma from a Routine Gynecological Exam

Holistic Pelvic Care

Carrie’s Story: Healing Trauma from Childbirth

Jane’s Story: Weaning Herself Off a Vibrator by Rewiring Physical Patterns

Exercise: Awakening New Pleasure Pathways

Ingrid and Mark’s Story: Activating New Pleasure Pathways

Chapter 7: Blocks to Intimacy

Attachment Theory (“It really is all your mother’s fault”)

Secure Attachment

Anxious Attachment

Avoidant Attachment

Anxious Avoidant Attachment

Other Influences on Attachment

The Influence of Attachment Style in Adult Relationships

Victor’s Story: Perpetually in the Friend Zone

Emotional Detachment (Why Crying is So Good for You)

Intimacy Requires an Emotional Connection

Lisa’s Story: Learning How to Let Others Care for Her

Tristan’s Story: Dealing with a Broken Heart

Caryn’s Story: Confusing Sex with Love

PART TWO: Awakening Your Pleasure

Chapter 8: Beginning the Journey of Sexual Healing & Awakening

Four Guiding Principles to Transform your Sex Life

Self-Awareness and Courage

Exercise: Visioning Letter

Understanding and Banishing Sexual Shame

Accepting and Loving Your Body

Exercise: Create Your Vagina Timeline

Bethany’s Story: My Period Betrayed Me

Julia’s Story: Where Did My Beautiful Body Go?

Laina’s Story: Menopause Madness

Embodiment—The Place to Begin

Chapter 9: Coming home to My Body and Welcoming Pleasure

Welcoming Pleasure

The Road to Becoming a Sex and Intimacy Coach

Sexological Bodywork

SkyDancing Tantra Teacher Training

Somatica: The Glue that Holds it All Together

Chapter 10: So What is Tantra Anyway?

Origins of Tantra

The Emergence of SkyDancing Tantra

Exercise: The Yoni Talk

Chakras and Sexual Awakening

Exercise: Subtle Energy

Principles of Tantra

Exercise: Chakra Sounding

Chapter 11: How to Reignite Your Shrinking Libido

Desire and Your Hormones

Desire and Your Internal Landscape

Exercise: Sacred Space Ritual: A Partner Practice

Vanilla Sex Can Kill Your Libido

Karen’s Story: Boring Sex

Desire and Your External Landscape

Exercise: Peak Sexual Experience Survey

Knowing What You Want

Who Initiates Sex?

Understand Your Sexual Style

When Sexual Styles Conflict

Anne and Jeremy’s Story: Conflicting Sexual Styles

Switching it Up: Sexual Styles Aren’t Static

Core Erotic Theme

Exercise: Identifying Your Hottest Sexual Movie

Chapter 12: Great Sex is about Polarity

Why Opposites Attract

Fantasy and Cultural Taboos

Collette and Liam’s Story: Creating Sexual Polarity through Role-Play

Sexual Polarity is Upside Down in our Society

Andrea’s Story: Finding Her Feminine Self

Exercise: Fun Ways to Find Your Sexy

Masculinity and Male Sexuality

Paul’s Story: Permission to Feel Desire

Genevieve and Carl’s Story: Learning to Surrender into Dominance

Chapter 13: Realizing Your Pleasure Potential

Slow Things Down

Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body

The Ins and Outs of Orgasm

The Power of Touch

The Three Minute Game

Exercise: Touching for Your Own Pleasure

You are Responsible for Your Arousal

Learning What You Want

Exercise: Self-Loving Practice

Orgasms Don’t Just Happen in Your Genitals

Anal Pleasure

Chapter 14: Living an Orgasmic Life

Sex is a Basic Human Need like Food and Shelter

A Sexual Woman is a Creative Woman

Sex Transmutation

Quantum Physics and Sex

Exercise: Feed Your Creativity

The Process of Transformation

Nora’s Story: Making a Career Change

Intuition: The Greatest Gift of All

Exercise: Cultivating Your Intuition by Learning Your “Yes” and “No”

Lara’s Story: Making a Life Changing Decision to be a Single Mom

Brant’s Story: When Sex and Creativity Flows, So Does the Money

Darleen’s Story: Reinventing Oneself in Her 60s

Your Story Next