Stress Made Easy (eBook)

Chapter 3

A simple example of ‘The Set Up’

This chapter presents two examples of ‘The Set Up’. They are a combination of clients’ stories that I have simplified for illustrative purposes. As you read through them, consider how they might represent some of your own experiences. At the end of each example, note the type of questions asked by the characters. The questions are an important indication of whether the characters are ready to embrace change and move forward.

The game is set up

Mother: young woman from an abusive family background.

Father: her boyfriend who has a drinking problem.

They decide to stay together to raise their child (you) after an unexpected pregnancy.

You were born

Already there are so many ways this environment is fraught with potential stress and pressure. Yet those involved have made a decision to keep and raise you.

They teach you

You learn that Mum is often sad, Dad is angry and that’s even before he starts drinking. You’re taught that babies who cry get ignored or dealt with abruptly, especially when there’s tension between Mum and Dad – which there is most of the time.

You create an identity

You try tears to get attention, that doesn’t work. You try demanding, that doesn’t work. You try throwing tantrums like Dad and that definitely doesn’t work. You try being extra good and at least the shouting stops. You find that being quiet and good and mostly invisible are the best ways to get maximum positive feedback from Mum. That means Dad leaves you alone most of the time and isn’t quite so mean. You don’t feel safe but you know what to do to keep yourself safe. You are a ‘quiet’ and ‘good’ and ‘invisible’ person.

When we choose or operate from ‘invisibility’ or making sure that we slip under the radar as much as possible, it mimics the ‘freeze’ part of the stress response that works in part to make animals under threat ‘invisible’. If they remain unnoticed the threat will pass.

You interact with others using this identity

When Mum takes you to see friends you hear people say you are a good kid because you never complain or get in the way, especially when the adults are drinking. In fact, you become very helpful, getting the alcohol from the fridge and then getting out of the way until you see a way you can be helpful again. You make sure no one gets upset. They don’t acknowledge you unless they need something from you. Most people around you are quick to anger and rough in their language and responses. Being invisible and quiet works well.

You look for people who sit comfortably with your identity as that makes you OK

You find people that you can please because you already know you are really good at this and get good feedback. You notice you are especially good at doing this with people who drink or take other substances because you easily anticipate their needs and become very adept at resolving tension. You notice that many of your friends call you to come out because you are the one that gets them home after a big night out. Your friends also appreciate how well you help people calm down. You know how to do that well. You realise that your partner is most happy when you anticipate their needs. You decide it’s really no big deal that they get angry and lash out because this is just part of the process – to you this is normal. You believe that if you are good enough it will all be fine. You are doing OK.

You settle down with someone that Dad really likes because they can have a drink together, and Mum can relate to because she knows about drinkers and so do you.

The person you think you might love drinks more. They had some issues that caused them to start drinking in the first place and if you can’t beat them join them, right? The drinking becomes more and more difficult to manage but Mum put up with it so maybe you should too. Then there is a trauma in your partners’ life. It makes your partner very, very angry and that’s when the beatings start. And they don’t stop. And they remind you of when Dad used to beat you after drinking and you hate yourself because you think you are not good enough. You have tried so, so hard but it is still your fault. Somehow you keep breaking the rules, you keep getting it wrong.

You think that maybe you deserve to be hit. It’s not their fault, it’s your fault – that’s what they keep telling you and that’s what you have always been told. For a long time you believe it’s your fault – those are the rules of your game.

One day you can’t stand it any more and get the courage up to leave. The trouble is all your friends drink so you feel uncomfortable around them as well. It’s all the same feelings and stressors except now you are in someone else’s home being unhappy. You may as well go back. At least in your home you have all of your own things around you. Anyway, maybe this time it will stop, your partner promised it would get better. It doesn’t. You leave and come back a number of times. You ask yourself over and over, ‘Why is this happening to me?’

Now, in comparison to the description above, see below.

The game is set up

Mother: young single woman from an abusive family background.

Father: her boyfriend who has a drinking problem.

On discovering she is pregnant she ends the relationship and goes to live with a loving and supportive relative who will continue to educate her while she raises the child.

You were born

Already there are so many ways this environment is fraught with potential stress and pressure, and yet this young woman has made some dramatic decisions to keep and raise you. Your Mum comes from a sense of hope and optimism with the support of a loving relative who has been a wonderful part of her life from the time she was small. She continues with her education and gets support in her new environment. You are her primary focus.

They teach you

You are taught that Mum sometimes struggles as she learns to handle her new situation but she is almost always loving and attentive to your needs. She has a mentor in her life that helps. You are taught that babies who cry get attention and are cared for.

You create an identity

You try crying and your hurts are soothed. You try throwing tantrums and that doesn’t work as you are encouraged to deal with your anger and frustration by running around or doing something outside. You try being extra good and are encouraged when your efforts are rewarded with humor and cuddles and fun stuff. You find out being funny and helpful and creative gets maximum positive feedback from Mum. You know you can be cross and still feel safe because you know what the rules are when you are angry. You are a ‘funny’, ‘helpful’ and ‘creative’ person.

You interact with others using this identity

When Mum takes you to see friends you hear people say what a great kid you are because you find ways to amuse yourself so Mum can have some ‘friend time’. You sometimes complain and get in the way but are encouraged to find ways to entertain yourself, to create solutions. Most people around you are fair and kind. You have got some interesting stuff going on in your own life. In fact, you become very good at thinking about what you love to do and letting other people know about it. You have friends who teach you about their families and who enjoy you being around. Lots of different people give you ideas about the world.

You look for people who sit comfortably with your identity as that makes you OK

You find people that ask you to ‘think’ and ‘create’ and you already know you are good at this. You get good feedback. You notice you are especially good at doing this with people who like to see the world from other peoples’ perspectives. You have lots of conversations about the differences in people and what they bring to the world. You notice that many of your friends call you because they know they can trust you to get them home after a big night out. Your friends also appreciate how well you help them calm down and see things from a different perspective because you have learnt how to do that for yourself.

You settle down with someone that your friends and family really like because they can communicate without needing to drink. Mum can relax around your partner and you really appreciate that. You realise that your partner is very grateful that you can anticipate what they need. It is really no big deal that they occasionally get angry because this is just one of the emotions they express, not the only one. You also know that usually it has nothing whatsoever to do with you and they are entitled to their opinion. You are doing really well.

The person you love goes through a bad patch after a trauma in the family. They start to drink in an attempt to relax. They drink more and more and after a while you ask yourself, ‘Does this really feel OK?’ You discuss this with your partner and get an unusually negative response. After some thinking you ask yourself, ‘WHAT can I do next? WHO can I talk to about this? WHERE can I go to get more information for what is happening in my relationship? WHEN shall I do something about this?’ and ‘HOW can I make a difference?’

As you can see from these stories, we are shaped, formed, influenced...