New Shoes (eBook)

INTRODUCTION

IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME

“I think I’m done.” My boyfriend sounded exhausted but firm. I knew the end was coming as it had before, but this time I was genuinely distressed. “Maybe we can try again…” I faltered. “I’ve had enough,” he snapped. “I don’t know whether I’m coming or going with you… you’re all over the place. You want me… you don’t want me. You can’t make a decision, so I’m going to.” Salty tears began falling down my face. Why did my relationships always end this way? Why did I always pick boyfriends who could never understand me properly? Why did I love and hate them at the same time? Was it them or was it me?

On the other side of the same town Josie is half way through a bottle of vodka. Her relationship has also ended. Her partner has left her because he feels her drinking has got out of hand. Through her alcoholic haze she is contemplating why she has to spend so much of her time trying to block out her past with spirits. Her thoughts turn to her stepfather – she doesn’t know why she hates him so much. Her brother certainly doesn’t; his life was transformed with the new money that came into the house when their new “dad” arrived. Without warning her mind runs over an ugly night when she was twelve involving him and an incident in the bathroom. She shudders and tries to force the images from her mind. She had wanted to tell her mum, but her silence was ensured by his threats that speaking out would “break up the new family” – and anyway, she doubted her mother would believe her.

Josie is drinking because she is trying to forget the huge trauma she has experienced. I am running from relationships because I find the feelings of intimacy too frightening.

Josie and I have both been sexually abused by people close to us – we have been severely betrayed by our families and communities, and the effects on our lives have been catastrophic. I’m blaming my boyfriend. But the truth is, the problem is with me and the damage I have been caused in my past.

You are not alone

If you have picked up this book the chances are that you (or someone you know) have experienced the trauma of rape or sexual abuse. Perhaps your life story is different from mine or Josie’s, but I imagine you can relate to our shame and pain. Perhaps you have never faced this before, or maybe this is another in a long line of books you have reached for in the hope of finding an answer. Maybe just handling this book is making you feel very self-conscious.

Obviously I don’t know where you are right now. But one thing I do know is that you are not alone. Sexual abuse is one of the most prevalent destructive forces operating in societies all over the world, and yet one of the worst torments of the abuse is the desire (both of victim and perpetrator) to keep it in the dark.

Kept hidden, the inward agony of the past can only get worse, and this often means that outwardly destructive behaviour begins to take hold, drawing a life that is full of potential into loneliness and despair.

And yet, is there hope?

As a survivor myself, and as someone who has supported others for over seventeen years, I can say – personally and professionally – absolutely yes! It can be hard work. But at the same time it is hugely empowering to know that you can make the changes to your life that you want.

It is my desire that this book may play a small part in offering you some support on your journey. It is written from my own experience of living through many years of sexual abuse as a child – and also as a professional who has run support groups and workshops for people who have experienced sexual abuse.

But why should we face the past? Is there any real point in looking backwards? It was a long time ago, so isn’t it all in the past?

Why abuse gets in the way of your life

The problem with pain is that when you bury it, you bury it alive, and it stays there, hidden, but often very actively surfacing in your life in subconscious and strange ways. You may say that in some areas of your life you function very well; that you do not have any difficulties with relating to people at work, or that in your career you are very successful. However, the problems around abuse most frequently arise in relationships. Often when you enter into a relationship with someone, especially with a possible partner or close friend, the fear of abuse will surface.

This is because we can live well in performing mode, but not very well when we are in intimate relationships. It’s like having two lives but only one body to live them in! In one area of your life you are doing well, but in another area you can be very damaged and not able to cope at all. This can leave you feeling lonely and isolated.

Mary is a successful business woman working in the highly competitive TV industry. She has moved further up the management ladder than many women and is not even thirty yet. However, Mary got home last night to find her housemate had packed her bags and left. This would not usually be a problem, but this was the sixth housemate who had left in two years; they couldn’t cope with Mary’s controlling behaviour. Mary is outwardly very confident, but she too has suffered sexual abuse by a relative. This has left her with huge trust issues towards anyone she is close to. Mary is effective at work, but outside that arena she does not relate to others very well.

Mary, Josie, and my twenty-three-year-old self were all struggling with our relationships because the damage of the abuse we suffered in the past was so intense. Of course, those around us also have problems, but some of our main difficulties in life lie within us.

It is my hope in writing this book that you will be able to recognize some patterns of behaviour that may not be helpful to you. I also hope that you may be able to pick up some ideas of how these patterns could be changed so that you can develop closer connections with people you care about, and perhaps build a different kind of life for the future.

What you may feel reading this book

Be prepared! Reading this book and thinking about abuse may bring up some strong and seemingly overwhelming feelings.

Creating a safe space

It is a good idea to create a safe place in your room or house while you are reading this book. This will be a place you can go to if anxieties arise. Make an agreement with yourself that as long as you are in that spot, you’ll be safe. Also make an agreement that if you start to feel out of control or afraid of what you might say or do, you will go to that place and stay there. You can also breathe one breath at a time, until the feeling passes. Your safe place could be a window seat, a bed, or a favourite reading chair.

Reaching out

List any friends that you could call if you were feeling anxious:

Is there anything else that would help you if you were feeling upset or scared – for example, putting on a favourite CD or reading a comforting book?

What to do if you feel you need support

If you are feeling overwhelmed by your situation and are finding it difficult to function, it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor. They may refer you to a counsellor. If it’s the middle of the night and you need someone to talk to urgently, you can call the Samaritans on 0845 790 9090 or go to their website, www.samaritans.org. If you are feeling suicidal, do not try to cope alone. Always go to your doctor or contact the Samaritans.

Talking to close friends or a partner about our feelings is a good step too, but sometimes we need the objective help of a professional counsellor. Counselling and therapy are sometimes portrayed in the media as being highly expensive and only for celebrities who want to escape an ex-partner or the paparazzi! This is not the case. Counselling is quite widely available and falls within most people’s budgets. In the UK you may be able to access free counselling on the NHS if you speak to your doctor.

If you have never had counselling for being sexually abused I would recommend that you seriously consider it. Having the support of someone who has experience and compassion is an invaluable tool in the healing process. I would even go as far as to ask you what is stopping you – and (to press my point!) is that a good enough reason?

Spending one hour a week in counselling for six months can be a turn-around factor and help you towards a happier life and better relationships.

Considering counselling

Once you have decided to get some help, the next question is where to go and what to look for in a counsellor or therapist. The choice offered on the internet or in a directory such as Yellow Pages or yell.com can be quite overwhelming.

Here are some tips on trying to find a counsellor:

Check they are part of a professional association for counsellors

You should check that your counsellor belongs to a professional body which has professional standards and accountability. The British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapists (BACP) is the main body in the UK representing counselling at national and international levels. The BACP aims to promote counselling and raise standards of training and practice, and produces a directory in which there is a list of counsellors. In order to be...