Essentials of Pre-Marital Counseling (eBook)

The counselor initially discusses the responses to the quiz with each person separately. In subsequent sessions, the couple will review their reactions to their partner’s responses.

The practitioner makes interpretations based upon clinical impressions and the participants’ history. Most responses are easy to interpret, but each situation is unique and may trigger further exploration and guidance. When psychopathology is detected, the counselor should help motivate the person to consider individual psychotherapy.

The following interpretations are suggested as a guide:

1. Are you satisfied with yourself?

Answering in the negative shows honesty. Many people are not completely satisfied with themselves. They recognize that there is room for improvement.

If you feel truly satisfied with yourself, either you are among the most fortunate who have evolved to their potential, or you fail to recognize your faults, or simply accept them. Or perhaps you are putting on a false front for your partner. Accepting yourself may be a positive quality, as long as friends and associates have no serious complaints about you.

2. What do you like about yourself?

Hopefully, more than two good qualities are listed. If not, either you are too hard on yourself, or you fail to appreciate yourself sufficiently. You may be expecting too much of yourself. Your self-esteem may need a boost.

3. Have others told you that they admired those qualities, too?

If so, you have validation, a substantial reason to feel good about yourself.

If not, then you may not see yourself clearly, or you may not have heard the applause.

4. What would you like to change about yourself?

Does the desire to change come from your partner’s complaint? Do you agree? If you don’t agree, or aren’t motivated because you think it will take too much effort, this is likely to be a source of friction and should be resolved before you take the relationship further. However, if you’ve arrived at this decision independently, it is a goal you can accomplish with your partner’s support and encouragement.

For example, if you would like to lose weight or to firm up, you can do it if you’re willing to exercise at least three times a week and maintain healthy eating habits.

Smokers, drinkers, gamblers and those with other addictive behaviors often respond to self-help groups using the typical 12-steps format. The key to change must start with you. Support comes from others.

Sometimes it may take a medical emergency to propel someone to change an addictive behavior. Others are so hooked that they ignore the serious consequences of their addiction. I knew a woman with emphysema who could not quit smoking even after she had to use a breathing machine. She hobbled around with the cumbersome oxygen apparatus and continued to smoke. Her husband, her children, and her friends pleaded with her to quit. Her physician repeatedly cautioned her about the grave consequences to her health. A friend gave her a gift of a series of hypnosis sessions. She willingly submitted to the sessions, but alas, her smoking addiction won out. She died at fifty-five years of age. If she had tried to stop smoking early on, it might not have been so difficult for her. This true story shows the overwhelming power of addiction. It is best to stop when you first become aware of your grim habit?before it is too late.

If you would like to change a bad habit, such as procrastination, you can, but only if you are motivated. Ask yourself what you would gain if you didn’t procrastinate. Some people proclaim they would welcome the relief from the stress caused by procrastination. Others admit they actually enjoy the rush of adrenaline as they hurry to meet a deadline. They work better under pressure; steered by adrenaline, their senses become more acute. Which type are you?

5. How often do you think about the past?

Some people dwell on the past with regret and remorse for not taking the opportunities presented or for the mistakes they may have made, or for the hurt they may have caused. “If only I had made a different choice in school, career, place of residence, or relationships.”

Thinking about the past in this particular way is not helpful. It is better to use the past in a constructive way—to learn from it.

• How did we come to make the decisions we made?
• What propelled us toward our choices?
• Did we take into consideration all the information available? Was there something we overlooked?

If we considered all the information available at that time, then what seemed appropriate and good then may simply have not turned out the way we expected through no fault of ours. We aren’t prophets and can’t predict the future. It is useless to kick yourself in the backside for something that wasn’t your fault. What we learn from our past decision-making process can help us use these lessons to our advantage.

If you are the type of person who quickly jumps to conclusions without taking into consideration all the available information, then you’ve learned a valuable lesson. Now that you are aware of this aspect of your personality, you can prevent yourself from jumping to conclusions again.

Thinking about the past with nostalgia brings memories that can nourish you. Dwelling on the past, however, prevents you from moving forward.

6. What are your feelings about your past?

Anger, regret, disappointment? Learn from the situations that caused these feelings, but don’t dwell on them because that will have a negative impact on your mood. It’s an admirable sentiment, but people are generally unable to follow such advice. Whatever feelings, emotions, urges come are there and cannot be dismissed. Fighting against them merely gives them more power. Best is acceptance and observation, and then divorcing action from the thought. This is the Basis of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which has a formidable research base.

Joyful moments should be relived. They sustain us. They make unpleasant times less so. For example, suppose you are imprisoned in the dental chair, your mouth full of annoying dental gadgets, not knowing how long the unpleasantness may last. This is an ideal time to conjure up past pleasurable scenes. Close your eyes and picture one of the most picturesque places you’ve visited. The Swiss Alps, the Maui beach, wherever. Making believe you are there instead of the dental chair or other unpleasant place can make the present situation feel less unpleasant.

7. Do you blame others for things that go wrong in your life?

If you answered in the affirmative, this is not a good sign. Apart from the times you acted on misinformation or poor advice, you must accept some responsibility for most things that go wrong in your life. The key is learning to accept responsibility where pertinent and not shift it on to others.

8. Are you lonely when you are alone?

If you answered in the affirmative, it probably means that you are too dependent on others for amusement, or support. You may not have developed adequate interests or activities that challenge or excite you when you are alone. People who are near the extreme of the Extraversion scale are only comfortable with social contacts. This is not a fault, just a way of being.

When you were a child, you may have enjoyed the stimulation of siblings or an extended family around you much of the time. Now, you may have to tap into your own resourcefulness. Some people are afraid to be alone, because they anticipate unpleasant thoughts. When they are alone, they may ruminate about negative things. If this is true for you, it is an area worthy of exploration.

9. Do you often feel sorry for yourself?

If this is true, please examine your reasons. Are they legitimate? Even if they are, it’s counterproductive. There are people with terrible disabilities and problems who nevertheless manage to stay positive much of the time.

10. Do you prefer being alone or with others?

If you prefer being alone rather than with others, imagine how you would feel sharing your daily life with a partner. If your partner also prefers being alone, you may be able to create a mutually beneficial arrangement. You can respect and accept your partner’s need for solitude, yet enjoy your time together. The trick is timing. Hopefully, you will want to be together at the same time. If not, can you compromise? A person who does not respect your need for solitude and wants constant togetherness may not be an appropriate partner for you.

11. Are you satisfied with your career?

You may be unsure how to answer this question. Ambivalence is not so terrible. You may need to find new goals. Your dissatisfaction may not be about your specific career, but the place or people with whom you are working. You can explore this issue with someone familiar with your situation, perhaps a trusted colleague.

If the place or the people with whom you are working are not causing dissatisfaction, but the kind of work itself, you can seek a change. Consider career counseling. Many state colleges and junior colleges offer free, or low-cost vocational counseling to students.

12. Do you change jobs often? Explain.

Changing jobs frequently when presented with a better opportunity (which you’ve carefully evaluated) may be a positive sign. It shows you are unafraid of making changes...