Every Step Counts (eBook)

‘I can see myself now sitting at our dining room table. It was against the wall. Mum sat on one side, Dad sat opposite her, and I sat in the middle. We always had meals sitting at the table. Frequently Mum and Dad weren’t speaking to each other, so they spoke only to me. They were very silent meals!’ recounted Joan. ‘When I met Vince he was so different – always had plenty to say. After a couple of years he only shouted abuse at me, hit me and threatened to kill me. Now I’m living with Surinda and his son Ajay. I’m so afraid of upsetting anyone. I don’t know what to do when Ajay shouts and locks himself in his room.’

Tim remembers his father giving him a jigsaw when he was five years old. ‘It was of a farm scene, with a red tractor and a black and white sheep dog. I have this picture of a grey-haired man who made me laugh. I know that my father sent money to my mother, and from time to time he sent me books. He never lived with us. I don’t remember meeting him again until I contacted him when I was in my twenties. We met up once. Mum never married again. I’ve married Jane who has two lovely children, but I don’t really know how to be a husband or a father, and I know even less about being a stepdad.’

Susan is one of five children. Her childhood home had been full of laughter and noise. Everyone shouted from time to time to get themselves heard, but after a few sharp exchanges they soon became friends again. ‘It was a bit chaotic but there was always someone around to play with. When I got married and had children I thought it would last for ever. It was such a shock when we discovered that my husband had inoperable cancer. He died just a few months later. I never thought I’d meet someone else, but now the children and I live with Peter. He and his daughter like to have everything planned in detail and they are so tidy and quiet. I thought my new family would be like my old one, but it isn’t. We’re walking round each other as though on egg shells. Peter gets so dejected if I dare to raise my voice. What am I doing wrong?’

Tom was devastated when his wife went off with his best friend. Now he lives with Sheila. Her work brings her into contact with a number of male colleagues. Whenever possible, she includes Tom in work social events. He knows he can always contact her on her mobile phone. ‘We have agreed that if either of us is worried about the other’s contact with someone, we will discuss this openly and try to find safeguards that we are both comfortable with. There’s one guy we are both uneasy about when he’s with Sheila, so she sees that she’s never alone with him. This has really helped me to trust again.’

Mobile phone bills were the thing for Barbara. She had found out about her previous partner’s affairs when she saw his mobile phone bill and had rung some of the numbers she didn’t recognize. ‘It seemed everyone else knew about the affairs except me. I told myself I would never trust another man again. When I met Steve, I was very cautious,’ recalls Barbara. Steve said, ‘Why did she have to see all my phone bills? I hadn’t done anything wrong so at first I resented her checking up on me. Now I just pass the bills over and Barbara is happy.’

Fiona became stepmum to Bill’s two small children after his wife died. ‘I moved into the house that Bill had built for his first wife. Although Bill had got rid of his wife’s clothes and other personal things, I’m not allowed to alter anything in what is now our home. He likes everything done the way it has always been. I feel I’m living in someone else’s shoes. I feel as though I am never as good as his first wife. The children have accepted me but my marriage isn’t what I had hoped it would be.’

Serin also became a stepmum when Jack’s wife died. ‘We have worked hard to build a relationship which is special to us. We were able to buy and furnish a new home for us all. It’s a bit strained with Jack’s first in-laws, but we try to keep in contact as they have lost their daughter and are the children’s grandparents. The children do have photos in their rooms of their mum with Jack. This is right for them, but I still don’t like looking at them.’

Step one: You say it – ‘I will forgive…’ Speaking it out loud makes it legal, even if you are struggling to even wish it.

Step two: You mean it. This is engaging your will – you want to forgive.

Step three: You feel it. This may take time, but there is an emotional change and you really mean it.

Step four: You forget it. You won’t forget the wrong but you will no longer keep going over it in your mind. The Hebrew word for ‘forget’ can also mean to ‘wither’. Gradually you are no longer struggling to forget; in fact you forget to remember!