Healing a Child's Heart After Divorce (eBook)

Introductiction Ideally, childhood is a time in life when we can walk through days without a care in the world. It's a time when we revel in the simple things and discover our world. A time when our only job is to learn, grow, and move toward becoming independent, autonomous souls. We seldom imagine childhood as a time for confronting and coping with profound loss. Yet each year, this is true for millions of children whose parents decide to end their marriage. Children who go through divorce experience the heartache and pain of 'divorce grief'-a distinct grief for a distinct loss. As counselors and educators, we've had the honor of working with hundreds of children grieving the losses that come with divorce. These children have taught us that every grief experience is unique, and that all children need someone to hear their story and accompany them while they heal from the pain of divorce. We also have firsthand experience with watching our own children grieve, mourn, and heal through divorce. Divorce grief is not an easy process, but healing after divorce can happen, especially when children have the support of adults who recognize the far-reaching impact of divorce on their lives. Divorce has a way of rearranging the core beliefs that kids have about marriage, love, and family. Divorce grief is often not seen as real grief in our society. We have a tendency to overlook the reality that divorce is indeed a grief experience, and that the impact of divorce is much deeper than changes in household and daily routines. Children feel every change that takes place, even ones that seem small or insignificant to the adults in their lives. When children go through a divorce, they need adults to recognize the significant impact the experience will have on them today, tomorrow, and always. The fact that children do not experience loss in the same way as adults complicates their grief journeys. Adults may expect children to cope with divorce in the same stoic, steadfast ways that they do. Mourning the endings and losses associated with divorce is a much different process for children-one that requires our compassionate attention. For kids, experiencing a divorce often feels like the solid ground of their life is crumbling beneath their feet. While adults have the perspective that significant change is often a part of life, kids don't. They deserve a great deal of care and consideration during this time of loss. Children need us to 'companion' them through their divorce grief. To companion means to walk with, to be present to, and to pay attention to what children think, feel, and experience during the divorce process. It means allowing children to teach us what their unique grief journeys feels like instead of telling them what they should or should not feel. It means honoring children and allowing them to feel and express a range of emotions throughout their healing process. Companioning means witnessing children's emotional pain without trying to take away the hurt or protect them from their own natural feelings. It's hard to watch children suffer, yet if we allow them to feel the pain that surfaces during the divorce process, we help them heal. To companion is to make a commitment to be available to them. To companion, we must continue to be present in the months and years ahead as they experience the wave-like impact the divorce has on their lives.