Soul War (eBook)

Merciless, cruel, thundering nightmares. Full, living horror. Anguished body ruthlessly overruled, allowing, fueling, ruling night, sleep.

Intervening tap, tap, tap, penetrating, registering, sudden, snap awake. Up, on elbow, eyes adjusting, heaved, wretched, withering sigh. Acknowledged, Hell. On earth. Living, breathing, hell.

Alone? Quick check. Yes. Relief. Remembered, relentless counselors, prying, questioning, demanding answers, access. Nightmares twisted, altered, vague impressions, closing/opening doors, locked closets, indistinguishable hints, fuzzy, formless images, no faces, no names.

Better not to know. Don’t know, can’t tell. Then no labels, drugs, counselors, tests, records…crazy, incorrigible, passed around.

Nightmares, illusions, imaginary, maybe true? Maybe not? Better than knowing, feeling. Accepted reality. No one cared, ever. Just check-mark, feather-in-cap, fix-its. No help, ever.

Compensation, satisfaction, game played. Disguising, hinting, acting, role, game. Amusing distraction, manipulation, control. Scenarios, TV, movies, imagination, twisted, un-real.

Exclusion, nightmares real. Cold sweat, shaking, tears, wrists, jaw sore, clenching hard, intense, painful headache, days aftermath, linguished. Undeniable, physical, reality.

Same, this time, head-bursting, pounding, sight-blinding, headache. Head down, hidden under, face covered, blackness needed, avert light. Increasing pain, behind eyes, pressing, pushing tears. Small, welcome relief, reprieve, washing, soothing, scratched, sandpaper effect.

Fitful sleep, shivering onslaught, waves, sweat, wrestled body. Severe, unyielding throbbing pursuing, relentless. Dissolving, time lapse, night, day, night.

Scrawling, fuzzy line, dissipating, subsiding. Unwinding tormented muscles. Breathing shallow, fearful, controlled, caution against lapse, return.

Two days, food lacking, contributed, causative, nausea, sickening waves, gut-wrenching, dry heaves. Third day, moaning, agonizing groan, carefully, precariously, sitting up, silent hope, begging, pleading, gone? Intense awareness, body, slightest movement, checking response, signs, signaling repeat?

None forthcoming, slowly, leaning, standing, shivering, shaking. Hollow, sick, pained, eyes glancing, searching.

Light, semi-tolerable, slow shuffle, door, fumbled lock, opened. Outside, on step, covered dish. Apprehensive, leery, instant search, surroundings, ears, eyes, alert.

Reaching down, tapping, testing, finger touching. Warm lid, warm tray, lifting, into shed, locked door, down, table.

Knife retrieved, leaning, peering, prying under, lifting lid, off, contents exposed.

Uneasiness return, windows, peering out, checked, searched, scanned horizon. Senses active, penetrating, inside, outside. No movement, danger.

Smell infusing, dissipating guard, hunger increasing, demand. Plate, finger testing, scooped, lip touch, small lick. Harm indicated? No. Buttery flavor, potatoes. Finger testing. Nothing. Spoon engaged, bites, sensation warm, filling.

Small, starvation-constricted stomach, done, full, plate away. Body warm, satiated, tired. To bed, covers up, vigilant, sleep watch. Stave off nightmares, necessary, tantamount.

Midnight, startled, reflexes, senses strained, warned, peering, dark room, searching, seeking, movement. Up, windows check, tentative peek, look. Time pass, quiet, silent. Back down. Night turning, obtrusive, intruding, sinister, threatening.

Forced calm, control, dreading release, old thing, times, battles lost, humiliations, traumatizing events, endless reminisce, bad times. Night, dark, hated, despised, detested. Day, allowed diversions, alternatives, distractions.

Tossing, turning, hitting pillows, fold, refold blanket. Finally, mercifully, light, shimmered, glimpse, past windows, curtains. Immediately up.

Food, stomach reeling, churning. Silent study, glance, nothing touched, moved, unlocked, checking, peering, no movement, out front door.

Stop, quick, insistent glance around, frown, tray, covered plates, step.

Similar inspection, warm lid, tray, repeated up, into shed, door locked, table, finger testing, fork needed. Vegetables included, ingested, faster consumption. Two trays, contemplated. Decision, meticulous washing, replaced, step.

Seated next, leaning against doorframe, eyes closed, soaking warmth, light, ears attentive, mind racing, initiated, manipulated control, apprehensive manner.

Hear before seeing, eyes open, focused. “Back off!” seething, cat-like stance, back arched, fingers clenched, claws. “Just because you left food, doesn’t mean you get anything else!”

On ground, looking up, compassion offered, rejected. Sad, turn away, leaving, gone.

Slowly, guard down, dissipated. That was easy. Still…

Alone, question. Bed or walk?

Walk decided, exiting, keys noticed, hanging left side, doorframe. Inspecting, one, labeled front, one back. Only set? Or more?

Trick, self-taught security, paper inserted, molding edge, frame. Inside, similar, discrete clues. Smug, confident, door closed.

Path, end, fork. One way back. One way, fields. Perplexed, undecided, halt. Which way, avoided him? House, closer inspection, needed. Stealth mode, anxious, caution.

Perimeter gardens, small, detailed, plants thin, sparse, cared for. Opposite, Ugly ones.

Left side, porch, bridge, brook underneath. Seemingly endless, around, back another, porch, bridge, brook underneath. Several hours walk, continued, same, other side, another porch, bridge, brook underneath. Returned place. Standing, staring, square, ominous, vast, solid structure.

Outlying border, inventoried, inside remaining…hesitant. No him yet…but. But, territory, surroundings, needed input. Inventory created control. Control equals mobility, exits, security.

Outer steps, intricate gold strands woven, great, white, square, marble tiles. Wood bridge, sunlight penetrated, translucent shine. Scrolled, graceful banister, edgework, intricately detailed.

Feeling. No denial. Intercepted feeling, unmatched beauty, inherent, fragrance, floated, resting, around, on.

Enveloped, sensation. Sudden glare, “What?”

“There’s food in the house for you,” offered.

“Um, geez,” sarcastic, cutting. “Let me think. Um. No!” snapped. “You just don’t get it do you? I don’t like you. I don’t trust you. I don’t want you around. Get the hint would you?!”

Undaunted, smile. “And new clothes.”

Irrational, irritation, disgust. Up, back, sanctuary. “Food, clothes,” breath, mumbled, murmured. “And the payment would be?”

No way. Determined. No payments to anybody…ever again—for anything!

Bracing, food cut off, deserved, retribution, no payment. Confused, anxiety, questioning, food supplied, place, on step.

Unable, assimilate, trust. “There!” scoffed, scattered, thrown, off porch. “I said…nothing to anyone for anything ever again! Do you hear me?” raging, yell.

Door yanked, slammed, locked. Landing, bed, pillows pounded, pushed up, behind. Arms folded, against chest, leaning back, glaring.

Hunger, deliberately ignored, posture maintained day, night. Bitterness, seethed, fueled anger, stance. Him, messing day. Her, food delivery. Them, dumping here. Everything, everyone.

Process. Bitterness held, maintained, justified. Acceptance, equivalent defeat. Defeat, guard down. Guard down equates hurt. And that was not going to happen. Promise.

Heaved, long, difficult sigh, weary body, rolled, sliding in, under. Willed, forced, shut down. Shut down, off irritation. Shut, down, all. Sheer, emotional, exhaustion-induced, sleep.

Nightmares came, left, always same, tired, at odds, apprehensive, suspicious, fearful. Life dark, heavy-laden blanket, continued listless, ache, limbs numb, eyes glazed, staring, nothingness. Silent dismissal, rejection, stomach gnawing, heart-ache, lack, want, need.

Typical, average days, few good, most bad. End, nothingness days, days, weeks, nothingness, hopelessness.

One difference. Awareness. Him. Presence. No rise. No change.

Without cause, reason, movement. Slow, forced, agonizing, fight, battle, always knowing that it would return, without cause, reason. Hell, on earth.

Rolling, sitting, edge, moment, head clearing. Body needed, demanded fuel. Chance? Food, doorstep?

First things first, peering, seeking, deliberate, careful scan. Anything moved, disturbed during absence? Satisfied, door opened.

Undeniably relieved, food grabbed, pulled in, door closed, locked. One finger test, lick, gulped, ingested, heavy.

Light dissipating, fade, exhaled, large yawn. Sleep, rest needed, without nightmares. Sarcastic, internal. No possibility… of that.

Morning light, startled, sudden awakening. Apparent, something different, changed. Quick scan, room, windows, opened drawers, belongings checked, double-checked. Nothing revealed, no evidence, tampering, intruder.

So what was it? What? What?

Outside, watching, listening, waiting.

Instant knowing.

Stomach twist, willed...