Happiness Factor (eBook)

The key to being happy lies within you and begins with how you perceive what happens to you.

Most of the obstacles we experience are the results of our own thinking—our mindset. In many cases, we are our own worst enemy. We all accept that if we eat healthy food, we will have better health and if we eat junk food, we will have poor health. The same analogy is true for our thought process as well. Faulty and biased thought patterns will result in faulty or biased experiences. It is our own thought pattern, or mindset, that creates the framework by which we experience life. This framework is commonly called perception. What is seen as negativity and adversity is different for each person. The exact same circumstances will be experienced differently by each of us. What is seen as an opportunity by one is seen as adversity for another. So varied are the individual responses that the circumstance itself cannot be the determinate factor of your own peace and happiness. Contrary to popular belief, circumstances are neutral, neither positive nor negative. Contentedness and happiness are derived from our perception, and our perception is created by our own thoughts. The Buddha is quoted as saying, “Our life is shaped by our mind; we become what we think. Joy follows a pure thought like a shadow that never leaves.”6 We think what we choose to think. The gift to think for ourselves is the greatest gift given to man. The key to being happy lies within you and begins with how you perceive what happens to you.

It is a common mistake to believe that what and how we see people, events, and circumstances create our response and feelings. In actuality, it is the reverse. Our thoughts are the source of our feelings and create our experience. Because thoughts are voluntary, we can change what we experience by realizing that what we think is not necessarily reality. Thoughts are often random and arbitrary. There has been a lot of literature over the years on the effects of positive thinking. Without a doubt, positive thinking is important in the pursuit of happiness. Much of the positive-thinking literature promotes a mindcontrol approach, teaching you to control your thoughts to only be positive. That kind of control is impossible. Trying to achieve it will create a constant battle in your mind between your negative and positive thoughts. Happy people have both negative thoughts and positive thoughts. The difference is that rather than trying to control their thoughts, happy people learn to not give heed to negative thoughts because their happiness and peace have a higher priority. Happy people dismiss negative thinking as if it were a scary movie. Scary movies are enjoyable because they are not real, which is why people say, “It’s only a movie.” This is true of negative thoughts as well. They are not reality, and when you consider that they are not real, the negative thoughts are easier to dismiss.

We see things differently when we have positive thoughts than when we have negative thoughts, and so our experience is not based on the circumstances but on how we perceive them. Negative thoughts and negative thought patterns actually distort reality, causing us to perceive the world as being more hostile than it actually is. Our feelings and moods are a result of this thought framework, not a result of our circumstances and of what happens to us. If we allow it, negative thought patterns will cause us to draw an unjustified and incorrect conclusion. For instance, Jack has been working late explaining to his wife he needs to stay at the office to work on a big project. Jack has never had to stay late before, and so this upsets his wife as she considers that he is lying to her. Her thoughts lead her down a path to think that he is having an affair, and she neglects other possible explanations.

Another negative thought pattern happens when we focus our attention on one singular detail without regard to the rest. For example, Theresa is upset that she has a poor complexion. She feels that no boy will look at her unless her skin is clear. She does not consider that she has other wonderful and beautiful assets such as being musically gifted and smart. To her, those things are of little importance.

Perhaps we have the habit of over generalizing and drawing conclusions based on little information. Sarah, for instance, just discovered her teenage daughter has been drinking. She is naturally distraught and concludes that it must be the influence of her friends. She concludes that her daughter must be taking drugs as well. Her thoughts lead her to believe that her daughter is no longer trustworthy and requires much closer supervision. Sarah neglects to take into account that this could be experimentation, not addiction. I am not suggesting that she ignore the event, but that she approach it from a learning stance rather than arriving at a conclusion without more information.

Another dangerous and faulty thought pattern is magnification or exaggeration, commonly known as “freaking out.” Getting a traffic ticket is unpleasant and perhaps embarrassing but not the end of the world. To some it is a devastating experience. Others will simply accept that they need to drive slower or more safely and move on. Our thought framework, our perception, can either work for us by creating a positive and happy experience or against us by creating a negative experience. The choice is yours.

It’s all about you!

After reading the previous pages you might say, “I get that happiness is a choice—but this guy hasn’t met my mother-in-law!” You’re right! I haven’t met your mother-in-law, or your husband, your children, your mother, your boss, or your coworker. Nor have I met the person that cut you off in traffic this morning or the boss who criticizes your work and never acknowledges your accomplishments. Though I have not met them, I know of them and would recognize them in a heartbeat. These are the people that most of us blame for our own unhappiness. Just listen to the people around you at church, at the gym, at your child’s back-to-school night, and you will quickly learn that as a whole we are experts at blaming others. We spend a lifetime waiting for those around us to change into something that will bring us happiness, but it will never happen. No one can change enough to bring you happiness, because happiness is found on the inside, not on the outside. Happiness is not about anyone else. It’s all about you!

If you are one of those people expecting others to change so that you can be happy, your wait is in vain. It cannot and will not happen. You don’t need to feel hopeless, because it is not about them, it’s all about you. You don’t need to wait for anyone else to change for you to be happy! This may be a hard thing to accept because it strips you of all the excuses and blame you have used for years. When excuses and pretense are stripped away, you have to take responsibility and accountability for your own life and your own level of satisfaction. To some this will be scary, while for others, this will be an enabling and powerful concept. Your peace, your satisfaction, your happiness is up to you. In the next sections, you will find out how to take charge of the power that creates happiness. Let’s explore a few subjects that will unleash this power and set a foundation for becoming happy. Remember, it is not about anyone else; it’s all about you!

Crabs in a bucket

What is it about fairy tales that captures our hearts and imagination? As children we are captivated by the magic of fairy tales that have been told over and over for generations. When my daughter was young, we were engrossed by the new wave of films such asThe Little Mermaid and The Lion King, which we watched over and over until the VHS tape wore out. Why is that? What is it about those stories that appeal to us? For me it is the story of something ordinary transforming into the extraordinary. It is not just fairy tales either. Stories about Spider-Man and Indiana Jones, where the most common of men become heroes and reach extraordinary heights, interest and inspire me. But what about the rest of us? Can just plain people like you and me reach extraordinary heights and do amazing things? The answer is a resounding yes! But why don’t we? Because we have been trained to limit ourselves and put a limit on our own satisfaction. Just when you feel the excitement of doing something fantastic, a small voice within you tells you all the reasons why you can’t do it. That voice, a voice we all hear and contend with, is the combined voices of people you have encountered over the years that have trained and taught you that fairy tales are fiction, that miracles portrayed in simple stories don’t come true. This is sometimes referred to as the “crab bucket syndrome.” It is said that if you want to keep a live crab in a bucket, put more than one crab in it. As one crab tries to climb out of the bucket, the other crab will pull it down. We are like crabs in a bucket! As soon as we try to climb out, there is always someone trying to pull us back down. In our youth, we approach the world with awe and wonder, thinking that anything is possible. We think by simply wishing hard enough and trying hard enough anything is possible. We grow up sadly disappointed that the things we once thought possible now seem impossible. How do we know things are impossible? Again, just ask the people around you. For every wonderful idea you have, there are tens to hundreds of people out there to tell you why it is impossible. They can enumerate all the reasons why your dreams cannot come true. We are surrounded by naysayers that speak with such...