Parent's Guide to Eating Disorders (eBook)

CHAPTER 1

Suspecting Your Child Has an Eating Disorder

As parents, we are usually the first to notice when something is affecting our child and when they are behaving differently. Maybe you’ve bought this book because you’ve seen changes in your child and their behaviour around food – or perhaps you’ve heard them voice their concerns about their body or about how they see themselves and you’re starting to get worried. Perhaps you know that your child is struggling with schoolwork, or friendships, or, if they are adult, that they are facing pressure from a demanding job, for example, or experiencing relationship difficulties. You might have noticed them losing weight, losing their appetite, or eating unusually but don’t know if you should question them about it. Perhaps you’ve tried to question them and you’ve been told, “Everything’s fine. Please just stop going on about it and leave me alone.”

These were my daughters’ responses during the early stages and, like many parents, I hoped it would be just a passing phase. But I soon began to suspect that this “phase” was developing into something far more worrying. You may suspect your child is developing an eating disorder and not be sure whether your suspicions are justified. Is she going to the bathroom after a meal? Am I right that he appears to be cutting out certain snacks or eating less at mealtimes? Is she making excuses not to eat, or eat with us? Has he begun to refuse certain foods such as chips, bread, potatoes, butter, meat, or snack foods? Is she eating more snacks and relying on crisps, biscuits, cake, sweets or chocolate – perhaps becoming concerned if your supplies are getting low?

Many parents hope that by leaving the situation alone and not following up those niggling doubts, they will find that the problem is either in their own minds or else will just disappear over time – in other words it will right itself on its own. You may wonder whether talking to your child might actually make matters worse. Maybe your partner, family members, and friends are giving you advice – perhaps conflicting advice – to add to the real dilemma you’re facing. You keep turning the advice and the facts over in your mind, but it’s so hard to know whom to talk to and what steps to take.

You’re not alone

First, let me reassure you that you are not alone and that this stage of suspecting an eating disorder, while very difficult, has been faced by many parents – some of whom you will hear from in this book. You will discover what they did, how they managed, how they felt, what worked for them, and, in some cases, what didn’t work – what they wished they hadn’t said or tried – which is also useful to know.

I’ve found that it’s really important to discuss your suspicions with someone who has a personal understanding of eating disorders, such as one of ABC’s helpline staff,2 even if they end up not amounting to anything. If they don’t, then that’s a great relief, but it’s important to get information and an informed opinion now, as well as some reassurance and some direction. I know from personal experience that it is wise to seek advice at the earliest stage of concern, to talk it over and “sound it out” with someone who has been where you are now and I once was: worried, suspicious, and not knowing what to do next.

Did You Know?

FACTS ABOUT WEIGHT LOSS

• It is possible for children to develop an eating disorder that crosses the boundaries of the separate diagnostic criteria (see Appendix 2) and therefore contains some or even many of the features of other eating disorders. Bulimia does not usually involve weight loss. If your child is losing weight and is also making themselves sick, the illness is more likely to be anorexia with purging.
• No child should be losing weight (unless this is medically instigated for health reasons and supervised by a doctor). Anorexia requires vigilance on your part to closely monitor your child’s weight loss, particularly in a young child who is growing rapidly. You need to find out their current weight, how much weight they have lost, and what weight they should be for their age and height. You will also need to try to stabilize their weight and monitor any further weight loss quite frequently with the help of your doctor.
• Girls’ periods stopping can be an indicator of their being underweight. Hormones are fat-soluble and therefore an adequate amount of essential fats is necessary in the diet for hormone production. Periods can start again once fats are reintroduced and a healthy weight is achieved.3

I’ve noticed that most of my daughter’s lunch is coming back in the lunchbox untouched and that she is trying to avoid food and mealtimes. How should I approach this? Should I be concerned?

If your child’s relationship with food or behaviour around food is starting to change, you will have noticed. Avoiding food and avoiding eating at home, when out with friends, or at a café or restaurant are tell-tale signs of a possible eating disorder. It’s hard to know if your child is eating their school lunch, so do talk to one of their teachers, asking them to keep it confidential and to be discreetly watchful of your child. Although it might appear difficult for teachers to monitor your child during lunch, or even to check whether they are going in to eat at all, you may have to insist on the grounds that your child’s case is a special one, just as those with food allergies would be. We know that many schools are glad to be alerted to a possible problem with food and are vigilant, providing a very useful contact for information and support for you and for your child. Skipping lunch at school, cutting out snacks, refusing certain foods or food groups, reducing portion sizes, or suddenly becoming vegetarian or wheat or lactose intolerant are signs that something is not right and needs checking out.

PARENT TO PARENT

We asked her why her packed lunch was returning home some days and she gave good enough reasons. She said she’d been late for lunch so didn’t have time to eat it all, or she hadn’t liked the lunch I had given her. That was easy for me to change, but it didn’t help when I prepared other food for her; she just had other excuses.

She also became sad and rather depressed. She went out on the trampoline all the time and, to begin with, I thought she was just “letting off steam”. But I knew in my heart that something wasn’t quite right. I tried to comfort her, but I was scared to talk to her about her eating because I didn’t know if I’d make it worse. She lacked energy, which I put down to sadness and to the fact that she was only comfortable eating a few items of food, whereas beforehand she had enjoyed food and eaten everything without any problems. Now she’d go into a terrible rage if I tried to get her to eat her normal range of food.

In addition, she wasn’t sleeping well and complained of being cold all the time, often wearing baggy clothes and extra jumpers to keep warm (which I later realized also hid her shape and size). She wouldn’t talk about eating or what was going on and so I asked her teacher to do some discreet investigating. It was really tempting for me to ask her friends and their families and quiz everybody, but I’d been advised to tell as few people as possible to avoid antagonizing my daughter and making her feel that everybody was talking about her. It was hard enough trying to find out what was going on with her, and I didn’t want to drive the problem underground.

JANE

It’s important to get as much information as you can to see if there are other people who can help you build up a picture of what’s going on. For instance, you may wish to discuss this with your child’s mother or father, if they don’t live with you, or your child’s partner if they are in a relationship. Or perhaps a friend who’s had your child for tea or relatives may be able to observe your child’s eating habits and report back to you. You will need to be careful, however, not to pressurize or antagonize your child by making them think that you’re all talking about them.

PARENT TO PARENT

I asked her dad, who has a new partner, if he’d noticed our daughter being different or unhappy when she was round at his house. Did they have any worries about her and her eating? They were really quite good about it, especially her step-mum who said she’d do some gentle questioning and let me know what she found out. We all wondered whether this was to do with our divorce (and it made me feel really guilty), but we were encouraged that lots of parents are divorced and not all their children have eating problems.

We decided to pull together, all to help her, and not let her do or say one thing in their house and something different at mine. Her step-mum phoned me one day to say that she’d seen her put her packed lunch into the bin at the bus stop on the way to school. Sharing that information helped me confirm my suspicions and helped me realize I needed to talk to my daughter.

SUE

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