Making of a Mother (eBook)

IdentityThe First Key Challenge

In a sense, a mother has to be born psychologically much as her baby is born physically.
--Daniel N. Stern, M.D., and Nadia Bruschweiler-Stern, M.D., The Birth of a Mother

Cecilia, age thirty-eight, and her husband, Michael, performed six separate home pregnancy tests, each showing the two little pink lines, and still they doubted that she was pregnant. The signs were there: nausea, sensitivity to odors, fatigue, hunger. But they'd been told by Michael's cancer doctor a dozen years ago that after the experimental chemotherapy he underwent, he was infertile. They had never used birth control, and fourteen years of unprotected sex without a pregnancy seemed to settle the matter.

When they married, they assumed their life would be childless, and they compensated as best they could. They became the aunt and uncle the nieces and nephews love best, the ones with the 'fun house.' They filled their life with travel and play. 'We'd show up at the family birthday parties dressed to the nines. We'd stop in, but we were always on our way somewhere else for dinner or dancing.' They traveled at the drop of a hat. 'Michael would say, 'Hey, honey, do you want to go to Vegas next weekend?' and we'd be off.'

In one of those examples that proves Life Isn't Fair, Cecilia herself got breast cancer six years ago. They caught it so early that she didn't need chemotherapy, but the surgery removed her milk ducts. When her cancer doctor told her that she'd never be able to breast-feed, she replied, 'That's for sure, Michael can't have children.' Her cancer, following his, left her with a permanent sense that bad things can and do happen, that you can't tell yourself 'that would never happen to me.'

In some sense, the fact that both were cancer survivors helped them adjust to being infertile--there are worse things than not having a baby. She never spoke of her longing for children to Michael, not wanting him to feel bad or guilty. He didn't bring it up with her, thinking that she would only feel worse if they dwelled on it.

When the doctor confirmed her pregnancy, they were ecstatic. Their world flipped upside down, and now they love it. The baby is named Jessica, because it translates to 'God's grace,' and that's how they feel: blessed. They also understand John Lennon's statement that 'Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.' They bought their first house a month before they learned she was expecting, and hadn't even moved yet. The room they'd planned to make into a party room with a deck overlooking a swimming pool was suddenly to become the baby's room. Cecilia immediately wished she'd considered the school system when picking a home, and began saving for Jessica's college fund.

Cecilia is a planner, quick on her feet when it comes to shifting directions. She responded to the sea change in her life by becoming an expert. 'My sisters laughed at me at my baby shower. My wish list only included things the American Academy of Pediatrics approved. I know what the safest car seat is, what dishes a baby can't throw off the high chair, and how to try to avoid SIDS.' In general, she likes to be prepared, and she joined countless new-mom chat rooms, read articles, and talked to mothers she respects about what to expect. In this, she's like her mother, who advises, 'You always need a Plan B.' Her husband says she frets too much, suggesting that since Jessica is only four months old, there is no need to stew about where she's going to high school.

Cecilia attributes her tendencies to be a planner, as well as a worrier, to her childhood. She's the oldest daughter of three, and her mom and dad suddenly...