Fifth Episode (eBook)

Episode 2

When I arrived back in Halifax, I was still full of enthusiasm towards life. All of the hallucinations were gone. I was showing no signs of psychosis. It was just that lagging enthusiasm that stuck with me. Even after everything I had been through, I still believed a lot of what I thought when I was fully manic. It was like I couldn’t shake the positive thoughts. Perhaps I was back down to a hypo-manic state and needed more medication to get completely back to level. After now having five episodes, I know that a month in the hospital is never enough for me; I’m always released too early.

When I got back to Hannah’s apartment, I walked in and had a flashback of the night before I left for the launch party. I remembered dancing in front of the camera to document the night. I laughed to myself thinking about it. It still seemed normal. Just as I finished my laughter, my phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number. I answered. It was the head of the military pharmacy on the line – a high ranking pharmacy officer. He asked me how I was doing and wanted me to give him a rundown of the situation. I explained to him I had just gotten released from the hospital, and during my stay, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. He expressed his sympathies towards the situation and informed me that due to my diagnosis, he would have to suspend all training immediately. I was supposed to go to Borden, Ontario for a pharmacy officer training course and then head off to Moncton to complete my six-month residency at the Moncton hospital. I confirmed with him that both were to be cancelled and found out that they were. It was kind of a shock to my system as I could feel my career falling apart. I also had to take this opportunity to inform him I needed to redo the multiple-choice portion of the pharmacy licensing exam. It was not a good call for me. Everything felt so on track just a month ago.

As we ended the call, I really felt like I needed some positivity. I felt like I could only get that from my team. I texted a few of the team members in Halifax, asking if they wanted to meet up and make a game plan for how we would move forward. I waited about ten or fifteen minutes for a response, but no one answered. I tried calling them. Nothing. I was confused. I chose to believe that they were just busy and decided I would grab a shower to rinse off the day. When I walked into the bedroom to get undressed, I saw a bag sitting on the bed. I looked inside and found 5 iPad minis. My head started to spin. I thought to myself, “How did these get here?” Hannah had travelled back to Halifax before me, so she must have brought them with her. But why didn’t the guys have them? I gave them to them to use to sign new clients and here they were sitting on my bed.

I grabbed my phone and called Hannah. She picked up right away. I got right to the point and asked her why the iPads were all here in Halifax. She told me that Melissa got them back while I was in the hospital so I could return them. She was really concerned with how much money I spent on them. I was furious. Who did she think she was to interfere with my business like that? I hung up the phone and texted the guys apologizing for Melissa taking the iPads. I told them I still had them and would do my best to get them back to them. No one answered my text. I tried calling a couple of them again. I still could reach no one. I was so confused. Why wouldn’t anyone talk to me?

I took off my clothes, went across the hall to the bathroom, and got into the shower. I grabbed the Arbonne body wash and scrubbed my body. I cleaned my hair with the Arbonne shampoo. I squeezed some Arbonne face wash onto my hands and scrubbed my face. I looked at the products. A part of me still believed that they would make me millions. I turned off the water and jumped out of the shower. While I was drying off, I could hear Hannah come into the apartment. I rushed to finish drying off and went back across the hall to the bedroom to get dressed. I came out of the bedroom, approached Hannah, and gave her a hug. I asked her what was going on. I wondered why none of the guys would talk to me? She explained that Melissa had contacted everyone and asked them not to talk about Arbonne anymore. She explained that a symptom of Bipolar Disorder is that you often participate in risky business ideas and that they’re pretty sure that’s what happened here.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My own sister was single-handedly destroying my business after all the work I had put in to build a team. I was devastated. Hannah told me this was for the best, but I could barely acknowledge what she was saying. The fact was that I didn’t believe I had Bipolar Disorder. I was in complete denial and my mood was still not completely back to level. I tried calling William a few times. He was one of my best friends; I knew he would answer. He eventually did, but when I asked him about Arbonne, he said he had a change of heart and would drop off the order he received to me. I got Bruce on the phone too. He said the same sort of thing. He asked if I could come pick up his products from him.

Over the next hour, I went to pick up Bruce’s products and William’s were dropped off to me. I now had $4500 worth of Arbonne products and two fewer team members. No one else would really answer me, so I assumed they were all out too. It was all falling apart. Even though I was crushed, I couldn’t shake the feeling of optimism I had in my mind. I still felt like I could somehow turn this all around. It was getting late, so I had a snack, prepared my uniform, and got in bed.

Waking up the next day, I was excited to put my uniform on. I missed wearing it over the past month. I always felt proud of myself when I wore it. I made sure my sleeves were perfectly rolled and put some extra wax on the toes of my boots. I left the apartment, hopped into my Ford Escape, and made the ten-minute drive to the base.

When I walked into the pharmacy, I was happy to see everyone, although I couldn’t help but feel a sense of embarrassment. They all knew I was in the hospital for a month and were now looking at me as someone with a mental illness. Even though I still didn’t believe I had Bipolar Disorder, I could feel how they were looking at me. It was different. The team lead of the pharmacy asked me to come into his office, and we discussed how I was doing. I was still feeling good, so I told him I was just happy to be back and was looking forward to getting back to work. We discussed failing the MCQ section of the licensing exam, but he said it wasn’t my fault given the circumstances. We would just look forward to writing it in November during the rewrite. I appreciated his kindness regarding the situation. He told me that I’d have to head up to the mental health clinic as they’re expecting me today to do some follow up from my hospitalization.

I knew exactly where to go since I used to go up sometimes to ask the clerks questions about some of our patients. I made my way up to the fifth floor of the clinic and approached the reception area of the mental health unit. I gave them my service number and they told me I would be seeing Dr. Edwards and to have a seat. The waiting area was very open to the nearby hallway, so I felt uncomfortable as many colleagues walked by and noticed me in the waiting area for mental health. I felt like I was below them and that I was being judged. I was always so used to being the health care provider, and now all of the sudden I was a mental health patient in my workplace.

A nurse eventually came to get me and brought me to the psychiatrist’s office. I entered the room and took a seat on the couch. We talked for a while about my stay in the hospital, and he explained that I most likely know as a pharmacist graduate that the best thing for me was to start on a mood-stabilizing medication. He asked how I felt about starting Divalproex. I wasn’t happy about it and still at that moment, didn’t believe that I had Bipolar Disorder. I had convinced myself that I must have had a mental breakdown due to stress over my exam. I was a military member, however, so I followed his instructions and went along with it. He told me I had the option of getting the prescription filled off base if I didn’t want to fill it where I worked. Still feeling optimistic, I said it wasn’t a problem and brought the prescription down to the pharmacy. I remember joking with one of the technicians as I brought the paper to the window. If felt so strange to be on the other end of the healthcare system. It was odd to feel like the patient rather than the provider.

After dropping off my prescription, I went back into the pharmacy. As I entered, the team lead told me I had to go speak with Dr. Noseworthy. He told me where to go to see her and I did as I was told. I went back upstairs and touched base with a receptionist. I was in her office within five minutes. I went in and sat down and she spoke, expressing her sympathy for the situation. She was very kind and honestly reminded me a lot of my mother. Their physical appearance was similar as well as their mannerisms. After talking back and forth for a little while, she broke the news to me. She told me that due to my condition and my inability to be deployed, I would have to be medically released from the Canadian Forces. I could barely speak. I acknowledged what she had told me but couldn’t really think of what to say. She continued and told me it was a long process and said not to get too down about it. I had a good degree and would be fine for work on the other side. I had planned to spend the full 25 years in the forces and make a career out of it and just like...