How to Forgive (eBook)

I remember a line in a play I once acted in many years ago, and every now and then it pops into my mind: “To forgive is to overcome, and I have not forgiven you.” I am really confused with this line as it suggests that unless you have overcome the issue and/or the person that you needed to forgive, then you have not forgiven that person. I am sure, like me, if someone has apologized to you for something that they said or did to you, you in return would reply, “Apology accepted, don't worry, no problem,” and life would carry on regardless. It isn't that simple though, is it? Life doesn't just carry on regardless. These deeds, large or small, that have hurt you emotionally are stored in your mind, and when a situation occurs that is similar to past deeds, you begin to have doubts as to whether you have forgiven that person, because you certainly have not forgotten it if it pops up in your mind when a similar situation occurs. This issue begs many questions. One is, “If you haven't forgotten the deed, does that mean that you haven't forgiven either?”

This book will identify the many aspects and meanings of the word “forgiveness” and will attempt to enable you to understand exactly how being able to forgive someone is a basic, essential, necessary process in your life. The focus of this book is “forgiveness in adult relationships.” Forgiveness is such an important word, and the action that follows the word is humbling if it is said and done genuinely and sincerely. The person apologizing will feel vulnerable and embarrassed.

Ask yourself:

•  Have you asked someone/your partner to forgive you?

•  Have you really wanted to be forgiven by that person/your partner?

•  Have you only asked to be forgiven in order to keep your partner happy so that person believes that he/she is still in control of the relationship?

•  Have you found it easy to ask for forgiveness?

•  Have you asked for forgiveness so many times that you now feel devalued and lacking self-worth?

•  Have you paid the price of repeatedly asking for forgiveness from your partner even when you have done no wrong?

•  Have you lost the love you had for your partner through accepting blame and because you have been expected to ask for forgiveness?

I will explore these questions and give some simple explanations in Step 2.

To Forgive, What Does it Mean?

“Forgive” according to Webster's New World Dictionary, means: “to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; pardon; to overlook an offense; to cancel a debt.”

If you are unable to forgive, you are unable to “move on” in your life. When you believe that you cannot forgive someone, it will eat you up and destroy the relationship you have with your partner/family member/friend. It will also destroy the relationship you have with yourself. It is not healthy to keep resentment bottled up inside you. Not being able to forgive someone means that you are continually tied to the person you should have forgiven. Many people may require forgiveness by you, and if this is the case then your negative thought process will have totally taken control over you, and you will be stuck in the negative groove of your own making. When you look at “forgiveness” from this viewpoint you will see that it is essential, for the sake of your mental health, to challenge your current thoughts and work through the process of identifying the cause of your unforgiving attitude. This is to release your negative thought process and replace it with a positive one that will enable you to regain self-control and healthy power now and in future situations. More about how to engage in changing your negative thought processes to positive thought processes is given later on in this book.

Here are some examples of issues that require forgiveness:

•  People spreading malicious lies aimed at casting you in a bad light

•  People who have been emotionally abusive toward you

•  People who have been physically violent toward you (if this is the case, your life may be in danger?get help.)

•  If you have been embarrassed by your partner

•  If you have been humiliated by your partner

•  If you have caused someone/your partner's self-esteem to drop significantly

•  If you are holding on to a grudge against a past partner

•  If you are holding on to a grudge against your parents

•  If you are holding a grudge because you have been conned regarding financial issues

•  If you are holding on to issues with siblings (rivalry)

•  If you are holding on to jealousy issues

•  If you cannot forgive your partner for having an affair

•  If you are holding a grudge against your step-children (who haven't accepted you)

•  If you believe your partner is more successful than you are and are holding a grudge with your partner because of this

•  If you believe your partner is more popular than you are and you continually feel marginalized.

This list is endless and will be different for each of you. Let's take a look at each of the above.

When Malicious Lies are Spread about You

This is a particularly ugly scenario and one that makes you feel that you can't trust anyone. You have to ask, “Why do people talk in this way behind my back?’

Here are some examples of when this happens…

•  When someone is jealous of you

•  When someone doesn't know you and makes wrong assumptions

•  When someone wants what you've got

•  When someone is unkind

•  When someone takes an instant dislike to you

•  When someone doesn't know how to approach you and then assumes that you are unapproachable

•  When someone believes that you don't like them

•  When someone feels intimated by you

•  When someone believes you have ignored them

•  When there is a misunderstanding between you

•  When there is a quarrel between you.

•  When someone believes that you have done something that they disapprove of.

•  When you let someone down

•  When you are found out

•  When someone believes that you have talked about them behind their back

•  When you don't take sides and you are “sent to Coventry” (shunned by one or both sides).

Whatever the reason, the outcome is distasteful and, sometimes, difficult to repair. The best way to repair the problem is to face it head on and tackle the person or people who you believe are talking about you. This needn't be done in a confrontational, aggressive way. A cool, calm approach in these circumstances is always the best way.

An example of how to approach this is:

You say: “I've heard some terrible things you've said about me, and I find it hard to believe that you would talk about me in this way behind my back. Please tell me what you've heard and give me the opportunity of clarifying the situation for you.” If you make the statement or ask the question in this way, you will not aggravate or upset the person and they will react in the same manner.

Emotional Abuse

Someone on the receiving end of emotional abuse often does not know that they are being abused. They become so familiar and accepting of the way they are being treated that they fail to identify that they are being abused. It is hard to understand and accept that you are being emotionally abused, and even more confusing is how you stop it.

Here are some examples of emotional abuse:

•  You are intimidated by your partner

•  You are bullied by your partner

•  You are interrogated by your partner

•  You are constantly ignored by your partner

•  You are verbally threatened by your partner

•  You are ridiculed by your partner

•  You are undermined by your partner

•  You are nagged (persecuted) by your partner

•  You are not allowed to make a decision for yourself

•  You are controlled by your partner

•  You are manipulated by your partner

•  You are denied help from your partner

•  You feel the necessity to hide things from your partner in fear of their reaction

•  You live on a tight budget that is controlled by your partner.

All of the above are forms of emotional abuse. There are more—I am sure you...