Boy I don’t need any help.

Father I didn’t say you needed help, I just asked if you were doing okay?

Well?

Boy I’m fine.

Father Good.

The Father waits, trying to listen.

Boy Stop listening

Father I’m not listening –

Boy I can hear you listening –

Father How can you hear me listening?

Boy You’re making that breathing noise

Father What breathing noise

Boy That breathing noise you make when you listen

Father You can’t hear someone listen –

Boy I can I can I can I can –

Father Okay, okay.

Sorry. I will stop listening.

Boy Take a step back.

Father What?

Boy Take a step back you’re right up against the door.

The Father takes a step away from the cubicle.

Father How’s that?

Boy Better.

Father Have you lifted the seat up?

Boy DAD!

Father What?!

Boy Shut up!

Father Don’t tell me to shut up!

Boy Don’t tell me to lift up the seat!

Father (softly) Lift up the seat darling.

We hear the sound of a toilet lid being lifted up.

Good.

Have you lifted up both?

Boy What do you mean?

Father The lid, and then the seat as well.

Boy Yes of course I’ve lifted both I’m not stupid!

The sound of a toilet seat being lifted. The Father smiles to himself.

Father Good.

Boy Now what?

Father Do you want me to come / inside I

Boy NO!

Father Okay, okay.

Unclip your belt.

Boy Obviously.

Father Okay. And now undo the buckle on your shorts and unzip your flies.

We hear this happen.

Good, and now –

Boy Go to the other side of the room.

Father What?

Boy Go to the other side of the room.

Father Why?

Boy Because you’re too near.

Father Okay I am moving to the other side of the room.

The Father moves further away.

Now does / your

Boy Further.

The Father walks a little further still.

Father How’s this?

Boy Fine.

Father Good. Now. Does your willy reach above the toilet seat?

Boy (quietly) I think so.

Father Very good. Now what you need to do is make sure that it’s aimed towards the right place.

Do you understand?

Boy (very quietly) Which place.

Father What was that darling?

Boy Aimed where?

Father At the bit with the water.

Does that make sense?

The sound of pissing into a toilet bowl.

The Father stops and listens with pride.

The pissing stops.

Very good now shake it / so

The pissing starts again.

The Father waits.

The pissing finishes.

Good. Now what you need to do is you need to shake it a little bit. So if there are any drips on your willy they come off.

Good. And then you can close the lid and then reach up and flush the chain. Are you okay doing that? Because now you’ve done all the important bit yourself like a very brave boy I can come in and flush if you’d / like

Boy No!

And don’t call me a brave boy that’s what you call babies.

Father I’m sorry.

Can you close the lid and flush the chain because Mummy is waiting for us and we can get an ice cream from the man in the hat.

Darling?

Okay I’m going to come in now because we can’t keep Mummy waiting for us all this / time can we

Boy STOP!

Father (accidentally stern) Come on this is ridiculous it’s just a piss let’s be done now.

Boy Something went wrong.

Father What do you mean something went wrong?

Boy With the wee.

Father How could something’ve gone wrong?

Boy I got some on me.

The Father fights back a laugh.

Father Well that’s alright mate. Sometimes that happens. And you’ll get better and better as you get older.

Boy Don’t laugh!

Father I’m not laughing.

Where did it go?

Is it on the floor?

Boy Yes.

Father Well worse things have been on this floor I’m sure.

Boy Like what?

Father … Don’t worry. Is it anywhere else?

Boy My shoes.

Father Right. That’s okay. Do you want to know a little secret?

Well? Do you?

Boy Yes.

Father Sometimes Daddy gets a bit of wee on his shoes too.

Boy That’s disgusting.

Father It’s not darling it’s normal.

Boy You wee on your shoes?

Father Well not / always

Boy You’re an adult you shouldn’t be weeing on your shoes.

Father Come on out you come let’s wash our hands.

Boy It’s all over the Green Ranger.

Father Excuse me?

Boy I’ve gotten wee all over the Green Ranger.

The Father tries to process this.

And on the Dinozord and on the Blue Ranger and on the Sabertooth Tiger too.

Realisation.

Father Your T-shirt

Boy Yes of course my T-shirt!

Father comes to the cubicle to open the door.

If you come in here I’m going to SCREAM!

Father Calm down.

You have to come out here and then we can go to Mummy by the swings and she’s got a change of T-shirt for you, okay? Then we can have ice cream and then we can go home and we can watch as much Power Rangers as you like, how about that?

Well? The Green Ranger, the Blue Ranger, the Unicorn …

Boy The Unicorn Thunderzord –

Father The Unicorn Thunderzord, yes. All of it. We can watch all afternoon, how about that?

Boy Dad?

Father Yes?

Boy I need a poo.

The Father makes a silent ‘OH...