Martians (eBook)

Our main character is Dave, our space drunk, Dave has replaced his blood with every type of alcohol none of it manmade- known to humans. He cuts his veins with his teeth and sucks ‘em dry like a woman sucks the very life through man’s penis dry-a more suitable child friendly metaphor would be an anteater with its nose in an ant hill and vacuuming up all the ants for nutrients and sustenance because it gets a thrill out of eating innocent creatures and living through the opportunity of shitting them onto the floor. And just 5 minutes later the Anteater will be smoking a cigarette while it watches a dog (a greyhound) eat that piece of crap. It watches the greyhound bus go through shit (bite by bite).

On planet Vino, there is wine, on planet fart-o, there is an infinite supply of co-operated farts, and on planet earth, there are idiots and not just any type of idiots- “special idiots”.

(Read in the voice of William Shatner)

I love eating pie; Dave is eating pie, but he’s allergic, and he might just die of eating rye pie. Rye pie will, give you the shits. It will make you urge to shit, a bit. A bit of shit coming out of the hole, it borrows out of, winter is over, and it is my time to shine! It is my time to come out of here. Come and swim in the pool of water that is-toilet water. Yankee-Doodle-Mouse, little Mr. Hankee-Poo is here in his house. Dave is battling a gladiator to the death, fighting for his loved one, a stack of pornos and a blow-up doll (Bud Bundy look-alike) and he’s slashing sword with the guy up to the point where the sword have the marks on them from damage.

The swords have been taking friction, and slices, and the powerful force of the smacking.

Sparks are flying, dogs are howling, cats are being called (you know by construction workers) and the fight is on motherfucker!

Dave kicks the gladiator in the balls to win it and him and his sex doll get married, and he’s always wanted her to be real so he promises himself to find a real woman so he can really be something. Be the talk of the town and what’s cooking cat? So, he pops the doll: “Good-bye doll.” And throws her away.

Out of the rubber costume comes a beautiful woman like blonde and thin and young and pretty and Kim Basinger or Michelle Pfeiffer but really Suzanne Somers-beautiful even after old age.      They get married and have a couple kids. They adopt 1000 because it’s so much easier than fuckin. “Yeah… I’d like every kid in the joint, all to be my slaves until their 18, because I’d wouldn’t want to have to fuck her more than once, you know what I mean?

So much less work than: okay pussy… open wide and hope you catch my seed.” “Dave when I said I wanted to open myself up to you, this is not what I had in mind.” “Sure, thing doll.” “Why do you call me that?” “Because you’re my sex doll.” “Suzanne, why did you slap me across the face like that?” “You called me your sex doll” “No I just mean in the sense that you are rubber.” “Oh, Dave, okay.”

Dave hates his annoying children so much that he hires a babysitter to sit on them and tickle them until they laugh to death. After they die of laughter, they are ‘chillin in heaven with Led Zeppelin- smoking joints, (1g of) and singing: “we are the champions” then “Highway to Heaven” (the theme song).

Dave and Suzanne are always fighting with each other-they hate each other. Their children hate it, and they hate their children-

a common enemy brings people closer together: Boxing time! Dave boxes Suzanne teeth right out of her mouth, and Suzanne boxes Dave’s balls back up into his body and he sounds exactly like Stephen Hawking-

That which takes testicles is the king- h.i.w.b.i.v.’s (if you’re confused about the abbreviation, refer to the “acronyms” Thesaurus on the last few pages for the answer in the back). Her mom shouts: “Kick him in the teeth Suzanne!” as she chugs Beer and chain smoakes Cigarettes.

Smoak is the obsolete version of spelling (modern) “smoke” because it’s the older and out of date version.

The children grow up to be old people slowly dying of old age in a park somewhere (on a bench). The parents are retired- peacefully sleeping, lying next to each other, dreaming sweet thoughts in a cemetery.

“Aren’t parks romantic?” They are Dave they really are. “But how? Suzanne Somers? There’s dog shit, some old people dying of old age, some doing heroin and

children are being taken down a peg- Babysitters are in charge to take care of the children while the adults leave the park to go drinking, the babysitters hang them on trees (pegs which are into trees.)

Newborns are raping people and Koala Bears are committing drive by shootings in the hood.

-5 or 6 of them travel in a Chrysler-Pontiac as just a Gang.

Dave and Suzanne’s children run a family business together-selling Jars of homemade farts: “Get your farts! Come and get ‘em fresh out of the jars!”

Husband and wife walking down the street arms linked together and holding hands like the first day they fell in love with each other. To keep each other in line, he’s carrying a 12-inch-long metal sword and she’d got brass knuckles with thumb tacks on the end of each knuckle; and in her other hand she has a sewing needle (hidden away). This way, they never fight with each other, and they make one happy couple; -If they do ever fight, it ends quickly. Evenings are quiet when there’s a gun because nobody wants to play: “spin-the-pistol!”

Did you think that their relationship is just an owner

walking their dog on their leash? Because actually (in reality) that’s actually it.

Throughout space, there are Aliens and Ghouls and also future robotic technologies- that lifestyle is crazy. There is LSD chocolate and Martians running Hollywood, even the banks (but secretly by Asians ‘cause they can do better math). Their antennas move in and out of their ears like a snake slithering out of someone’s nostrils.

These Aliens behold mystical powers that humans fantasize about having. The Death-Fart: the ability to kill anybody you want (on command), Acidic Urine: Whatever you piss on melts (comes in handy within a maximum-security prison- that’s 101% for sure) I can just walk right out. (But my personal favorite, wherever you spit your nails, they permanently stick there. Fingernails and toenails will sit on somebody and stick there until they croak (die). Metal nails work too but I had fingernails in mind stuck on someone’s face (for eternity).

Aliens behold magic: They look green like pea and have antennas as long as Rapunzel’s hair, or a Jew’s Payos, (which are those long curly sideburns they have but look like twin ponytails).

Also, they love eating garbage-their like goats in many ways. So, these magical Aliens live neighbored to Dave and Suzanne’s family (a.k.a children/pets). They have the ability to swallow baseballs and crap them out whenever. So, when they’re over on Christmas every year, it makes a great last-minute present for the sons.

The Green Martians: (Mr and Mrs. Martian) live together without kids and the “Mr” (is an author) and Mrs. Martian (majored in becoming a housewife). She bakes, she teaches at the University, she cleans the school (Janitor-ette) and fucks her husband once a month.

Coming up is their sex life in specific detail so if its gross to you skip to the next paragraph.

Sorry, for the next paragraph, it’s gross in its detail and description so if you’re easily grossed out, skip it: She was advised by Dr. Ping-Pong to shove her husband’s ding-dong into her cooch and tugs on it like its rope. She tugs on his rope until splooge splurges all over her splooge covered stomach and afterwards, she slurps up the splooge she splurged.

-Um… Well Aliens love making fun of freakier Aliens (especially) the one’s with antennas that come out of their eyeballs). They’re those gray aliens with the black eyes that are oval shaped.

-People think that all aliens look alike but they are racist, green, gray, who cares? They all look the same right?

Well, you should see with their clothes off, because then you wouldn’t be saying that confidently.

The Martians just got an expensive new dog but it’s a problem because it’s loud and very messy. On their front mailbox is a title written: Mr. and Mrs. Martian- the mailbox plays a recorded audio message too: “You’ve reached their mail” as the box moves its mouth to the sound of the audio. There are also many letters that are sticking out.

Their dog (“Kills-on-command” a.k.a. Kill-o or Killziak or Killz-O for short) is a vicious Pitbull with 2 tails and cute puppy eyes. The dog is nothing but a hassle and just needs to go die already like yesterday. One time Mr. Martian was taking out the garbage late at night and caught the dog eating through the garbage. He was eating a rotten apple and an old box of cereal that had to be thrown away because

a group of Beatles had made their way inside the box- The cereal with the bugs on top ruined an early appetite for somebody.

The problem with the doggy door is that without one it’s good because it keeps the dog outside from shitting or...