Death of Customer Service (eBook)

America Does Work: A Nationwide Temp Agency

The America Does Work program first went into development during the recent unemployment crisis. By this point in time, the minimum wage had been raised ahead of inflation for the first time in human history, forcing a lot of startup companies into bankruptcy and allowing people to file for unemployment benefits rather than find a job. Since unemployment benefits matched minimum wage, and minimum wage was at an all time high. This led to many Americans collecting unemployment with no intention of ever finding a job.

To remedy this, the government decided to cut unemployment completely, and funnel that money into a government funded temp agency on a nationwide scale. As a result, (unless you have a disability that prevents you from working) instead of filing for government benefits, you go into a government building with a resume and are assigned a job based on your qualifications. There is no drug test, no background check, you walk in carrying proof of education and/or job history with no risk of being turned down. Sure, this led to a lot of people getting fired because they’re bad employees. But every firing stays on your record, meaning that the more jobs you lose, the worse your next job will be. People who are painfully honest introverts that bomb interviews no longer had to compete with the less qualified haircut that applied for the same job. The interview process isn’t conducted by a company supervisor; it’s conducted by a pencil pushing fact-checker who is going to look at what you’re good at, have experience doing, and are already trained to do. Then, you get matched to a company that needs you. Simple.

Not only is this program good for aspiring employees, it is also great for businesses. Since this is a government program, the wages paid to the employees aren’t paid by the companies directly, but instead by government funding. The same tax dollars that were previously collected by people who weren’t working, are now paying the salaries of minimum wage workers. If you own a business and you pay your taxes, you are qualified to request workers for your company. This is how Plaetto Pier hires all low level employees.

-C.S.P.

* * *

“What is a customer?” Our trainer asked us as he entered the training class.

Sitting in the back of the class I didn’t get a good look at him right away, but I could see that he was slightly taller than the average person, and the ring of hair on his head seemed to shift between silver and red depending on how it caught the fluorescent lights. His name was Ryan. He was wearing a slim cut black suit with no tie and he moved like a cartoon that was giving a college lecture.

“What is a customer?” Ryan asked again.

Many of my fellow trainees raised their hands to answer his question but he didn’t call on anyone, he just answered the question himself.

“A customer is a person that is wrong.” He said before pressing a button on a small remote he was carrying.

The lights dimmed and a video began to play on the wall in front of us. It looked like an old infomercial of some kind, with black and white shots of customers attempting to use technology and becoming frustrated, then calling a customer service line that appeared to not be very helpful.

“Does this ever happen to you? Are you tired of customer service being no help at all?” The video asked us, rhetorically.

“I just don’t get this!” The helpless customer complained.

Suddenly, in a suspicious shift in tone, we saw a shot of the same customer in vibrant colors calling a different number. The customer’s voice was muted and all I could hear from the video was wind chimes and upbeat saxophone, but I got the sense that this customer service line was much more helpful. Her issue was dealt with accordingly and she gave thanks to all of us in the training class. The number 602-545-8304 appeared on the screen and the narrator explained that you could call this number in the event that other customer service lines weren’t as helpful as they should be. For a small fee, General Electronics Troubleshooting would troubleshoot any issue you’re experiencing, and if we didn’t provide some kind of resolution before the end of the call, you would not be charged. Then the video ended and the lights came back on.

“Despite popular belief, the customer is almost never right.” Ryan said, pacing in the front of the classroom, fully commanding everyone’s attention. “A customer, by definition, is a person that is wrong. They’re doing something wrong, they’re using something wrong, or they’re saying something wrong. What we do here at G.E.T. is help the customer stop being wrong.

“Thousands of customers purchase new technology every day, and they are so eager to try out their new technology, that they don’t take the time to learn how to use it. So when these customers get upset or frustrated, who is there to help them when normal Customer Service fails? Us. We are here to do the tedious tasks that a customer doesn’t care to do. Basic research, reading the manual, thinking, you name it. If a customer is too important to do it, then we will do it for them.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I had been in so many training classes before, listened to so much praise of the Customer Service Industry and so many nonsensical talking points about customers being well informed and knowledgeable. I had listened to so many lies in so many call centers, that hearing a trainer tell the truth felt unnatural. He was saying all the things that you weren’t supposed to say. He was saying things that would get someone fired if the wrong manager heard it, things that did get me fired when the wrong manager heard it.

I was hooked, and for the first time in any training class, I was eager to learn all that I could possibly learn in a 1-week training period.

On the first day, it was explained that we needed to give every customer some kind of a resolution, otherwise we couldn’t bill them.

“What constitutes a resolution?” I asked.

“Well that depends entirely on the situation.” Ryan answered. “There are a lot of potential resolutions for an infinite amount of potential issues.

“Right, I just mean, what if their issue is unsolvable?”

“What did you say your name was?” Ryan asked.

“Dexter Kirk.”

“Well, Dexter. It isn’t actually necessary to solve the customer’s issue, only to provide the customer with a resolution.” Ryan said with a smile.

“Okay, but what if something like…” I took a few seconds to think of an example. “What if, let’s say a customer calls in because he needs ice for his drink, but he doesn’t have time to wait, so he wants us to make his freezer work faster. What do we do?” I asked our trainer.

“That’s an oddly specific scenario.” Ryan said, squinting his eyes at me. “I’m assuming this actually happened to you?”

I bashfully nodded my head.

The classroom erupted with laughter.

“Well, you’re right that this issue is unsolvable.” Ryan said once the laughter died down. “Obviously we can’t alter the laws of physics for a customer.”

The classroom laughed some more, myself among them.

“But that doesn’t mean we can’t provide a resolution.” Ryan stated with his index finger in the air. “If you receive a call like this, here’s a resolution you could provide: Start by getting the location of the customer, then bring up that location on your computer. Once you’ve done that, run a search for the closest location that the customer could acquire some ice, preferably some ice that is already frozen.” Ryan said through a huge grin, like he was trying not to laugh. “Then, inform the customer that you are happy to have provided him with a resolution.” Ryan concluded.

Some people in the class laughed some more, others did not.

“Okay but, what if the customer doesn’t accept that resolution? What if that just makes him mad?” Someone in the front row asked.

“Satisfaction with a resolution is not what we guarantee, just a resolution.” Ryan answered.

The class was quiet.

“So wait a second.” I said. “You’re telling me that a customer can call in because his phone isn’t working, and I can tell him that the best resolution is to throw the phone in the trash? Then he has to pay us for that?” I asked.

Ryan shrugged. “If you think that’s the best resolution. Sure.”

I smiled.

On the second day we went over what is called the Emotional Response Survey. Temp agencies have gotten to the point where they can use any kind of data in a relevant way. So G.E.T. agents are encouraged to conduct research on customers through surveys, and the temp agency will buy the collected data from the company. The agency has specific surveys that they want companies to fill, but they will buy really any information as long as it is from the voice of a customer and documented by an employee.

Plaetto Pier has found that creating a survey that’s truly original is the best way to make the most money. That’s why they created the Emotional Response Survey.

The questions are as follows:

Question 1: Are you going to cry?

Question 2: Does it feel as though the device is smarter than you?

Question 3: Does it feel as though the device is laughing at you?

Question 4: Did you cry when this issue first presented itself?

Question 5: Has this issue presented itself before?...