1,000 Jokes for Auto Aficionados (eBook)

CHAPTER TWO.
IN THE INTEREST OF MARITAL HARMONY

There are growing numbers of women as officers of car clubs, at car shows, and at classic car auctions. It’s not just a family activity to maintain marital harmony. It’s a great way to meet new and interesting friends. Like men, women can develop emotional attachment to a particular car. Male aficionados sometimes buy a second collector car which the wife specifically wants, wheels which express her personality and style. Still, auto obsession seems to be a male-dominated disease.

The reasons? Most (97.9%) of auto mechanics are men, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The American Automobile Association survey found that men drive 2,314 more miles annually than women, and spend 18% more hours behind the wheel. According to Kelly Blue Book, when buying a new car, the average horse power men choose is 360 HP, as compared with 170 HP for women. Cars are not just transportation. They are often an extension of the self or a status symbol. Sometimes cars are named, and become “friends” with their own personalities. Think of the movie “Christine”, in which the 1958 Plymouth Fury bonded to its owner’s personality. Think of “Herbie”, a mischievous VW Bug which had a mind of its own. Think of the Knight Rider series, in which a Pontiac Trans Am named “KITT”, was self-aware, high-tech, and indestructible. Think of “Cars”, the Disney/Pixar computer-animated film with over 25 talking cars, including a 1951 Hudson and a 1951 International Harvester tow truck. Witness the vanity tags (or personalized plates) which describe the car or the owner. “The tie that binds” is a factor or shared belief that links people together. I think that it includes a person who bonds with a cherished car. Better yet, a collector car can bond a couple together in a fun mutual interest. Even better, couples can tease and taunt each other about rules for collecting old cars and laugh about whether the Ten Commandments for Car Collectors apply at their house. Since it’s hard to say and harder to spell “aficionados”, we’ll just call them “car guys”.

JUST FOR THE LADIES

Ladies…are you married to “Car Guy”? If yes, here are some survival tips.

1. When requesting to accompany Car Guy for a country drive, be very specific as to your destination, since he thinks that short trips and outings should include scanning the local junkyards for unique and usable parts.

2. When requesting Car Guy to go to Walmart for lotions or oils, ask that he NOT spend more than one hour in the automotive section.

3. To gain eye contact from Car Guy, just say the words “look at that neat old car,” which will provoke him to at least look your way for a split second. This, of course, does not guarantee interaction from Car Guy.

4. To persuade Car Guy into paying you some amorous attention, it is important to wear something in Ford Blue or Viper Red.

5. Once amorous attention has been gained, incorporate the automotive language into your requests: “I need a tune up!”; “My motor’s heating up.”

6. For better yard care services from Car Guy, install a Ford steering wheel on his riding mower. Also flames.

7. For pleasant dinners at home, purchase special plates and glasses with car models on them.

8. Always show excitement and gratitude for his gifts of earrings and necklaces with cars on them. After all he did think of you!

ADVICE FROM THE AUTHOR

Many readers of this book are car collectors. Therefore, as someone who has owned over 30 old cars and has been happily married 42 years, I have guidance for the novice on how to keep your wife happy.

TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR THE CAR COLLECTOR*

“1. Thou shalt not store thy cars out-of-doors, except for thy wife’s modern iron.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s car, nor his car trailer, nor his garage, nor his battery charger.

3. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children: As much, but not more.

4. Thou shalt not read thy car magazines on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.

5. Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor’s Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his 1947 Plymouth.

6. Thou shalt not allow thy daughters nor thy sons to get married during the Holy Days of Carlisle.

7. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thou art taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when, indeed, thou art going out to look at another car.

8. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.

9. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition to the house and then use it to store cars; thou shalt not store cars in the attic.

10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.”

*Donald R. Peterson; http://www.richiezie.com/ten-commandments-car-collectors-live-by;

http://www.wheelman.com/TenCommandments.html; https://www.camaros.net/forums/11-bench-racing/72120-ten-commandments-car-collector.html; https://www.corvetteforum.com/forums/c1-and-c2-corvettes/1586955-ten-commandments-for-the-car-collector.html; http://www.cyber-wizard.ca/2011/05/04/ten-commandments-for-car-collectors/

We continue with advice for Rednecks, Good Ol’ Boys, Car Guys, and collectors of old cars such that marital bliss may be preserved.

TEN RULES FOR COLLECTING OLD CARS

RULE 1: Collect only one make and model of old car. When all your old cars are the same shape, it’s harder for anyone to figure out just how many old cars you have.

RULE 2: Never line up all your old cars together. Nothing distresses a spouse more than seeing eight old cars lined up, looking like wasted money. Scatter the old cars around here and there.

RULE 3: Give your old cars the same names. You’d be surprised how much less trouble you will have if you name them all “Mildred”.

RULE 4: When you start to collect old cars, buy a car you don’t want. Then sell it as quickly as you can. Don’t worry about making any money on the transaction. The main thing is to buy a car and get rid of it. Then you can say “I’m thinking of selling another one any day now, so we can put your new car in the garage.”

RULE 5: Pay for your old cars with cash or postal money orders, which hides the evidence. Then eat the stubs, carbon copies or receipts immediately.

RULE 6: Now and then buy a wreck for “parts” even if you don’t need the parts. That makes you sound like an investment wizard.

RULE 7: Plan to drag home a car without a transmission or rear wheels. Then say: “That’s no car, that’s only for parts.”

RULE 8: Ask friend Skip to leave a message on your answering machine so your wife can retrieve it. The friend should say: “Bob told me to keep an eye on the old car going at the Mecum auction, but it sold for $5,000 and I know there’s no way a responsible fellow like Bob would pay that much. So I refrained from bidding on it for him.” This makes you look financially responsible. Then, in the future, when you buy an old car, say: “Sugar plum, this old car only cost me $10,000 which means we are $5,000 ahead of where we would have been if I let Skip get me the one before.

RULE 9: If your mate asks “Who do you love more, me or your old cars?”, don’t ask for time to think it over! Shout “YOU!” Also, do not leave the phone number of the County Zoning Department around. She may turn you in.

RULE 10: Hide your car behind other car parts, old refrigerators, and construction debris. Clean people will not want to go there and snoop around. And hide these rules from your spouse!

Some guys have very thick heads and drool uncontrollably around vintage cars. Therefore, we provide clear guidelines on what NOT to give your wife for her birthday. Copy them and hang this list up on the side of your tool chest.

TOP TEN GIFTS YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT FOR HER BIRTHDAY

10. A car wash kit...