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TODAY

MANHATTAN, NEW YORK CITY

“I’m Piper,” you say with your lovely disgusting voice.

For just a second I wonder what I’ll do if you recognize me too soon. What if my new identity lacks authenticity? What if you recognize my face? I guess I’ll have to kill you then, which would be quite early. I still have plans for you. But girl, lovely Piper, in case you do recognize me I’m prepared for that. In my black Chloé bag there’s not only a pretty nude lipstick, some pinkish rouge, my phone, the keys to my white Mercedes-Benz, a wallet, hand lotion, a Nicholas Sparks novel and black sunglasses, there’s also a loaded gun. Nobody would expect that from a skinny blonde girl in her mid-twenties who shops at Neiman Marcus, Brandy Melville and Urban Outfitters, wears scrunchies and comes with an enchanting smile, so I don’t bother taking it with me to the first day of my new job. A job that turns me into your colleague. It brings me closer to you and that’s exactly where I need to be. At lalamilan, an Italian lifestyle blog with headquarters in New York City, no one bothers to search your bag for weapons. They are all fancy hipsters, fashionistas, who think the world revolves around the newest designer collections, colorful socks with prints, beauty, super healthy food a.k.a. superfood and their selfies. Also, if anyone ever finds it, I’ll just say it’s for self-defense. It clearly is, right? The world is rough, especially for young girls and women. It’s not uncommon for a young woman in a city such as New York City to have a crazy stalker following her or come across a criminal on her way home. They are where you least expect them, so beware. They could turn out to be a blonde woman in her mid-twenties.

Honestly, I’m not even qualified for this awful job as a project lead at this extremely irrelevant global lifestyle blog. I’m so not. But do I care? Hell, no. As long as I’m with you, as long as I’m your new dear coworker, I don’t mind at all. I had to do some digging to get here, to land this job. A job that I never wanted. How do you fake a degree in journalism? How do you fake your references, certificates and invent a whole new identity for yourself? In case you ever need a degree from any university I now know how to fake a document like that. Mine looks too real. I’m proud of myself. Just call me for more information.

According to my certificate I’m a graduate of Pepperdine University in Malibu, California. Isn’t that great? Totally fits the image of a blonde fashionista and media professional. I’ve never even visited Pepperdine or Malibu. I just googled their certificate, found one on Instagram and did some professional photoshopping. Photoshopping is fun. I get it why people like you and your colleagues like to photoshop their photos, make their waist smaller, make their skin look tanner, their eyes bluer, their hair smoother, their wrinkles and spots disappear, and change the boring white background to the Eiffel Tower. I won’t waste my time with photoshopping myself, I have better plans. Thanks Kelly Foster a.k.a. @misskelfos who posted a certificate on her account publicly. That made it much easier to fake one. The people’s need to share their whole lives on social media makes everything easier. The document literally included Kelly’s address, her full name, her grades. I feel like I know Kelly Foster, like I’m a friend. And copying a friend’s degree is not as bad, right? Keep on sharing, so I can keep on photoshopping. You can’t create a certificate without knowing what an original one looks like. Let’s not be too mysterious. I can assure you I’m not one of those applicants who haven’t studied at all but want to land a job that’s above their qualifications. The truth is I do have an undergraduate degree. I have one in Computer Engineering from NYU. I achieved this without any cheating, ghostwriting or any other form of fraud. Computer Engineering is quite useful when stalking some selfish social media addicted bitch like you, isn’t it? And yes, the New York University is your alma mater as well. That’s why I went there, so I could be as close to you as possible. And it worked out, I now know every detail of your life. During all these years I didn’t miss a thing, trust me. I bet few people spend so much time following someone.

Piper, you look just like your sixteen-year-old self. You haven’t changed at all. You still put your long hair in a high ponytail, you still wear that red or pink lipstick that makes you look like a cheap prostitute and you still wear fancy outfits inspired by your favorite series Gossip Girl, Pretty Little Liars and Riverdale. You were the exact same person in high school. I see no difference. And that is how I know that you still deserve everything I have planned for you. But why do I pretend like I didn’t know? I knew it all before. I might look at you as if we’ve never met before, but we did. Also, I’ve been following you for six years now. Isn’t that a long time? We should celebrate our anniversary before I get rid of you. I could bake a cake, since I know you can’t bake shit.

“Nice to meet you,” I say. I wish I’ve never met you at all.

I haven’t spoken to you in a while, a few years actually. I hear your voice every day, I see your face every day (sometimes even other body parts since you like taking your iPad with you to the bathroom and watch series while showering or doing your business). You should really make use of some stickers to put on your camera. Everybody could hack your devices like I did. I once met a girl who seriously stuck transparent tape strip onto the laptop camera. That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“This is Blair Morgan, she’ll be your new project lead,” Paola explains and points at me as if she’s trying to sell an expensive sofa. Look at her, a new one, wow.

Paola is the head of this company, the so-called CEO of lalamilan.

Isn’t it awkward how literally everyone calls themselves chief executive officer these days? Literally every micro-influencer with a thousand followers on Instagram and every young business student who founds another startup that sells watches with detachable straps is an entrepreneur now, a founder, a businessman or businesswoman. That’s just a regular Instagram profile with some low-priced ads on it, not a company. Just chill, everyone.

And lalamilan? Is a lifestyle blog even a real company, a real business? Apparently yes, it is. Paola makes quite a bit of money with this blog. A lot of money to be honest. Until I hacked into her system and saw the numbers, the transfers and her bank account I had no idea blogs were so lucrative. After the podcast and social media hype I thought blogs were dead. I never gave a shit about fashion or make-up, labels or about following some elite’s rules when it comes to appearance, but you taught me to follow the rules, didn’t you, Piper? Your very personal and very strict rules. And not just me, everyone needs to follow them. I guess you feel at home at this snobbish company with its arrogant and delusional employees. For me all of this is just one small part of my plan. Just a small step on the ladder to my liberation.

As you can tell I don’t care about this job at all. I don’t care about the whole industry. I’ve never led a project, but my resumé says I’m a brilliant project manager and I have lots of experience despite my young age, at a tech company in Italy and a fashion magazine in Paris. And all that at the age of twenty-four. I’m a genius. I’ve never even been to France or Italy. In case anyone asks me about life in Europe I’ll just google it. I know a little bit about life in France though, and you do, too, Piper. When it comes to Italy I’ll just read a few novels and pretend like I know it all. I’m smart enough to lie in a way that is trustworthy. That is key in a world like ours. I’m glad Paola is your boss, and my boss, because she’s the kind of person who can be fooled easily.

The team that I lead is quite small. It only consists of you, Piper, and your awkward colleague Amber Cassidy, an almost thirty-year-old media studies graduate from Florida, who has a YouTube channel about, guess what, fashion and beauty. It only has about three thousand subscribers, though. Not bad, huh? It is bad considering that she started this YouTube channel five fricking years ago. Others gain millions of subscribers during that amount of time. I guess she gave up on becoming a YouTube star, a social media phenomenon, an overnight success, and now it’s just a hobby of hers. She still refers to herself as a YouTuber on Instagram, however. Well, that’s none of my business. Before joining lalamilan she worked for a hotel chain in Miami. I didn’t really have to stalk her for that. It’s all on her social media profiles, LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook (yeah, she’s old), Instagram and YouTube. I even found a blog of hers, an old one, but she stopped blogging in 2018. That’s the downside of the influencer hype. Some of us become famous overnight, some of us try so hard for years, but constantly fail to become a public favorite. Amber’s the latter. Just because I don’t post on social media, to remain invisible, doesn’t mean I don’t follow all the trends and...