You vs. Them

My virginity. That’s what I pledged to maintain until meeting my husband. My insistence was less based on my religious convictions, and more so about my interest in maintaining my power as a woman. In a society where most girls are convinced to believe that their only real power can be drawn from their sexual prowess, I chose to reject that. I believed that there too was power centered around a brand built on intelligence, kindness, and empowerment. And I felt most empowered by having certain freedoms such as comfortably navigating through any room in my city without feeling embarrassed or ashamed about the narratives that may have existed about me. Or the freedom to occupy the head of the boardroom and not consistently be undermined due to a past sexual encounter that left a taxing assault on my professional reputation. Growing up I witnessed the social prejudices against women that often spoiled opportunities though they may have been qualified. Whether spoken or unspoken I knew women had to be twice as better—and twice as guarded—if they wanted to be respected. And if not careful, I knew—as my father consistently repeated to me—sexual scandals had a more adverse association with women, making it harder to recover despite her merits. For me, I didn’t find power in challenging that; instead I found my power warped in my discipline to guard against such happenings. Most of the confidence I embodied was knowing my identity could never be relegated to mere horny ambitions a guy had boastfully conquered. From a young age I knew that not every man that inquired about you was worthy of inserting himself in your story. And as a woman I knew this was powerful because it meant I was always in control of my own narrative in a society that disproportionately encouraged women to believe their only power came from being hypersexual.

I privately reveled at the quiet but clear defeat I watched men swallow when they realized much to their disappointment, I would not be added to the list of women who fulfilled their sexual desires. My satisfaction in their failure ultimately came from rebranding these men’s ideas of women and our worth. I forced them to see that painting all women with one stereotypical broad stroke, because they had been successful with a small subset of the female population, was...eh, presumptuous, unhealthily ambitious, and well, straight up wrong. First it ignored the reality that every woman is unique, existing with her own particular set of thoughts, and virtues that are kindred to her life experiences. Second it dismissed the humanity of women by insinuating that we were disposable—to be disregarded after they’ve lived out their series of pleasures through us. (Don’t worry this book isn’t a bind of pages bashing men or reprinted social injustices taught in sociology 101.) Many of the guys I encountered were convinced my no was the beginning of a long-term negotiation. I used each attempt to challenge their misogynistic beliefs and remain true to my principles. This allowed me to maintain control of my narrative and impart knowledge along the way.

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Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once famously quoted, “There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.” Though my next assertion may not be particularly popular among many, it is what I have found to be true throughout my experience of life thus far. The word “conscience” has a Greek origin meaning “to be with knowledge.” The knowledge I have acquired from life and the women I have met has walked me into this belief:

(Ready? Here goes…)

It is my deep belief that all women are not the same nor are equal in merit—and honestly, nor should they be. (Now, before you make any premature judgments about me I do incite you to keep reading.) There is this empty comfort that I hear many people recycle that offers all women are the same, and they are all equally worthy of the same rewards. While one would think I, a woman, would subscribe to this theory… I do not. Instead, I find it quite dismissive and troubling. A metric of this nature places all women on the same level and leaves them nothing to strive for. This metric ignores the reality that we un-equalize and disqualify ourselves from opportunities each day with the decisions that we make. If this were not true then the power behind grace, forgiveness, and mercy would be rendered obsolete because everyone would be entitled to it despite their imperfections. If a promiscuous woman announces that she is getting married, most persons knowing her would be caught off guard, simply because her set of character traits oppose the very thing that’s needed to make a marriage work—monogamy. Many may view her newfound candidacy for marriage as an unmerited opportunity especially when there were other women possessing greater wills to practice monogamy.

The main thing that sets women apart, or so I’ve always believed, are their virtues. I would describe being virtuous as exercising a symphony of character habits aiming at goodness. Virtues can often be informed by your exposure in certain surroundings. Things such as honesty, dignity, charity, inner beauty, integrity, patience, and wisdom, just to name a few. However, as easy as it is to spell out these virtues, there is nothing easy about cultivating them. For instance, to achieve honesty one must continuously—over an extended period of time—be truthful and profess what is honest even if it means confronting what is uncomfortable, ugly, unpopular, or even what isn’t self-serving. Let’s look at salesmen for example. I would contend that the virtuous salesman is a wholly honest one, while the good salesman isn’t. The objective of any good salesman is to make profit. However, the salesman that is always completely honest may not make the greatest profits, especially if he reveals flaws and defects about his product. Therefore, many salesmen either omit the truth or strategically navigate around it in order to secure profit for themselves, consequently creating a reputation of being manipulative. On the other hand, any salesman who doesn’t prioritize profit could easily be deemed as unpopular in his line of work, though he did what he deemed was right—honoring the best interests of his consumers before his own. And though it may not make him a popular salesman, it does make him a virtuous one because he intentionally refused his own self-interest to aim at goodness. To master a virtue means to behave intentionally. Mastery is earned through thoughtfulness, and discipline in your day-to-day routine throughout your lifetime. The benefit of mastering multiple virtues is that in your totality as a human being, you arrive at excellence able to live amongst others in harmony and in good will. However, while some women will actively practice virtue, for other women it will unreflectively lie dormant. Although all women bring with them a uniqueness, that uniqueness is not enough to cultivate virtuous behavior on its own. Thus, those women who are practitioners of virtue will rank higher in their “worthiness” because their virtues will distinguish them. Now someone reading this—and it may very well be you—may be wondering, “Well, Lanisha, what do you mean by ‘rank higher in their worthiness?’” I’m glad you asked.

I simply mean this: certain virtues unlock different realities, some being more preferable and desired than others, for those who practice them. For all practical matters, I will employ this demonstration; a woman who has mastered the virtues of patience, kindness, and self-respect is more deserving of rewards than the woman who hasn’t and also the one who has never attempted to master them. In mastering any virtue one must rival against their nature most times, and make personal sacrifices steering them from comfort. Therefore, a woman who is virtuous is always more worthy than one who isn’t because she’s been intentional about creating preferred experiences for herself, and has purposefully invested in goodness even if it meant fleeing from comfort or her nature. There’s a standard for each action and the virtuous woman knows this and carries herself accordingly—so much so that she will zag when the crowd zigs if her conscience tells her so.

Down to the cellular level we are alike, but it is our character traits, and moral virtues that give us unique identity. Your performance of these virtues may not always make you popular, it may go against politic, and it may not make you feel safe, but it will elicit a level of respect from others in your honor. A respect that, sadly, not all women will receive.

Now, while I do endorse being a woman of virtue, it is not without challenge or defeat that this woman comes to be. Oh, no...you see, even the virtuous woman has experiences that cripples her confidence every now and again. I would fall short of being honest if I didn’t take the painstaking delve into the more uncomfortable part of this conversation, which may unearth some pitiful truths for the virtuous woman. Truths such as being disappointed to learn that while we may get the respect we deserve, we will also experience things we don’t deserve. In aiming to be a virtuous woman, there’s a sense of entitlement that’s developed that sometimes snowballs into a sense of self-importance. I know because I used to be this girl with this sense of entitlement (well, who am I kidding? I am still very well this girl, actually). I also know that the flare of arrogance people seem to gather after evaluating us is so far from being intentional on our behalf. The very premise of our esteem has nothing to do with thinking we are above...