Poutine On the Orient Express (eBook)
An Irreverent Look At Travel
eBook Download:
EPUB
2017
|
1. Auflage
210 Seiten
Bookbaby (Verlag)
978-0-9959501-1-5 (ISBN)
210 Seiten
Bookbaby (Verlag)
978-0-9959501-1-5 (ISBN)
A humourist lawyer? Not an oxymoron here. With Poutine on the Orient Express, Marcel Strigberger (humorist in the U.S.A.- Canadians are obsessed with that extra 'U') takes you through an entertaining and trip about travel. Have you ever naively tried to use reward points expecting to get a convenient free flight, taken a sightseeing tour with a guide who would rather be undergoing root canal, or spent ages at the airport arrival area watching that luggage carousel, with hope? Please read on. Poutine covers it all, from airlines to trains, tipping and toilets. It also discusses the last letter of the alphabet, 'zed' (in Canada eh?)
This book takes an irreverent look at travel discussing topics you have no doubt wondered about such as: -Caribbean cruises and why all the islands look alike-is there actually more than one island? -When your right to return to the all-you-can-eat buffet legally ends; -Luggage-packing theories and why rollers & folders are forever natural enemies; -What makes a city?-why cities are proud of their historical disasters;-Why famous European cathedrals took hundreds of years to build;-Whether modern art is really art;-Why Stonehenge doesn't have a roof, and others
This book takes an irreverent look at travel discussing topics you have no doubt wondered about such as: -Caribbean cruises and why all the islands look alike-is there actually more than one island? -When your right to return to the all-you-can-eat buffet legally ends; -Luggage-packing theories and why rollers & folders are forever natural enemies; -What makes a city?-why cities are proud of their historical disasters;-Why famous European cathedrals took hundreds of years to build;-Whether modern art is really art;-Why Stonehenge doesn't have a roof, and others
CHAPTER TWO
Planes: Up, Up, and Away
FEAR OF FLYING? AIRPLANES DON’T FLY
Some people never get off the ground because they are afraid of flying. As far as they are concerned, airplanes should not be able to fly.
Many of us do take the plunge or, to sound more upbeat, the rise, but with trepidation. I like to check out the pilots as I board the aircraft. I take a quick glance to my left into the cockpit, and if at least one of them isn’t scratching his head or looking under her seat, I am good to go.
On cold winter days the aircraft usually taxis over a couple of airport blocks to get its wings de-iced. A creepy-looking monster-like machine approaches the airplane and squirts it with a greenish liquid. I don’t know whether or not that de-ices the wings, but I have little doubt that after the procedure is over the aircraft will have been exorcised.
There are all sorts of theories about how to help the fearful deal with their problem. One of the following gurus should surely make any flying phobia disappear (into thin air, of course).
The Statistician
Firstly, there is the statistician. This guy can overcome a person’s flying phobia by spouting a string of statistics. He’ll say something like, “Did you know that there is a greater chance of getting kidnapped by a gorilla on Times Square than there is of an airliner crashing?” After hearing him out, you can now surely nod your head in agreement and say, “You know, Wilbur, I never thought about it that way. Put in this light, I feel a lot better. What am I waiting for? Get me into the website for Air Canada.”
The Psychologist
Secondly, if you are not a numbers person, then perhaps the psychologist can help you. He dispenses advice such as, “Hey, it’s all in your head. Be happy. Don’t worry. Just go aboard and have a drink.”
As far as this type is concerned, there is no way a plane can crash once you down a couple of shots of scotch. The psychologist will tell you that the best way to overcome your fear of flying is to actually fly, because when you fly you will be so afraid that even your fear will be scared and you will overcome it.
I can’t say this approach works or not. At least whatever happens, you’ll be giggling.
The Philosopher
Finally, if you are more metaphysical about these matters, no doubt the philosopher can help you beat the willies.
We’ve all heard this Aristotle speak. “Hey, when your number is up, your number is up. There is nothing you can do about it anyway. In any event, what is life? What is death? The same thing. Even if the plane goes down, your soul still survives.”
Doesn’t that make you feel better already?
I actually have some misgivings about this expert. At least the statistician tries to assure you that your fears are unfounded, and the psychologist tells you how to get rid of them while enjoying yourself to boot. But the philosopher basically tells you, if you do crash, so what. It’s good for you.
Pick your remedy. I know it’s not easy understanding how a large hunk of metal weighing 70 zillion tons fully loaded can take off and remain in the air for hours. I weigh only about 72 kilograms, and I’ve tried jumping off a chair and flapping my hands, but I have never yet taken off. Flying still baffles me.
I do hope, however, that at least one of the above three expert theories will alleviate any traveller who has flying anxiety. After all, just about all flights do arrive at their intended destination with their passengers intact. (Caveat: I’ll be discussing luggage arrival soon.)
THE AIRPORT: SECURITY, LUGGAGE, AND OTHER TRIVIALITIES
Before you fly, you have to get to the airport. For that matter, after you fly, the airport is also still a desired location at which to terminate your flight. Although times have changed, you can still have some fun at the airport. I have noticed a few things of interest about airports.
Unlike that last scene in Casablanca, where Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart say their farewells on the tarmac of the airport, in the shadow of an airplane, most of us these days have to go through a series of steps and stations before we even get near the aircraft.
And unlike the situation a few years ago, you can now check in online. I am still a bit old school about this, and I like to chat with an airline attendant as I check in. It’s not that I cannot obtain information online about the aircraft or the weather. It’s just that I enjoy the human connection. Checking in online is a dry, clinical process. You enter information and you follow the prompts.
I always like the one about whether or not I’m bringing along dangerous substances in my luggage, such as blow torches. I would prefer to answer that one, if I must, if and when asked by a live person. I would likely tell him or her that while on vacation, some of us bring along golf clubs; I like to catch up on my welding.
Also, what I have noticed at airports is an assortment of what appears to be useless people who do nothing. I can understand those clerks behind the desks checking people in and so on. (These are the ones I like to chat with.) Then of course there are porters and security folks. But I am referring to those people in uniforms who carry a walkie-talkie but never appear to be doing anything. If you ask them something about your flight, they will point you in the direction of the departure screen and tell you it’s all there. I have never seen one of these people do anything useful.
I am convinced their job description is short and to the point: Just hang around in the departure area and carry a walkie-talkie. I imagine a cluster of these people have a supervisor. This person’s job is to be in charge of these walkie-talkie carriers, and if they have any questions, they pose them to their supervisor. For example, they might pace around for a while, and then some situation comes up. They would then get on their walkie-talkie and say, “Number 23 to supervisor. I haven’t done a thing for the past hour and a half. How do you want me to handle this crisis?”
The supervisor would respond, “Hang in there number 23. Keep walking and pretend to talk into your walkie-talkie. Ten-four.”
As well, if you look out the window onto the tarmac area, you will see an assortment of little vehicles running around every which way, like ants. They can’t all be relevant. I know that for sure because you usually see a couple of these where the driver is holding a walkie-talkie. I believe this is where those earlier guys I mentioned get promoted, based on seniority, after a while of doing nothing inside the terminal. They then give them a vehicle in which to do it in.
These guys no doubt are unionized. This is perhaps a good thing. The union controls and retains a monopoly on this job function of doing nothing. Ergo others are not allowed to do nothing or they will be deemed to be scabs. Therefore, all others do something.
Then again, to be fair, maybe this accounts for the fact that in the end we manage to come and go in safety. As poet John Milton once said, “They also serve who only stand and wait.”
Security
No discussion about airports would be complete without a comment about airport security.
Unfortunately threats of terrorism have created the need for unprecedented security measures. I can appreciate that, and travellers should feel somewhat comfortable and grateful for the heavy-duty security concerns. However, very often the security issue loses sight of what it is intended to prevent, and its response is sometimes ridiculous.
I am talking about the ban on liquids you can bring aboard the aircraft on your person. If you carry a bottle of water, they will make you toss it out. I should say, rather they will make you toss it if it contains more than about 50 millilitres, being a little more than 2 ounces. I had an occasion where the security lady saw my full bottle of Kirkland (Costco brand) spring water. She gave me the option of tossing it out or drinking about three-quarters of it in front of her.
I elected plan B and drank about 400 millilitres, or about 14 ounces, of the suspect liquid in front of her. Actually, I drank some and stopped along the way, giving her a look as if to say, “Enough? I’m drowning.”
She said, “Not yet. Keep drinking.”
Eventually, after over-irrigating myself, she was satisfied that my threat level was low and that I could stop.
My question is, what was that supposed to prove? She was about a metre (i.e., 3 feet for my non-metric friends) away from me. Did she expect me to explode? That would not have been a good thing as I noticed just near me was one of those walkie-talkie guys. Probably after flooding myself, the walkie-talkie guy had...
| Erscheint lt. Verlag | 31.10.2017 |
|---|---|
| Sprache | englisch |
| Themenwelt | Literatur ► Comic / Humor / Manga |
| ISBN-10 | 0-9959501-1-3 / 0995950113 |
| ISBN-13 | 978-0-9959501-1-5 / 9780995950115 |
| Haben Sie eine Frage zum Produkt? |
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