The Beauty of Intolerance (eBook)

CHAPTER 1

TRUE FOR YOU BUT NOT FOR ME

“You’ll love him, Mom,” Renee gushed on her visit home from her second year in college. “He’s so considerate, he’s smart and he’s really good looking.”

Teri smiled. “That’s great, honey,” she said. “What’s he majoring in?”

“Business management, just like me.”

“That’s good. Does he have your same church background, too?”

“Mom,” Renee responded with a tinge of irritation in her voice. “Let’s not get into church stuff again.”

“I’m not,” Teri protested. “I just wanted to know if he shares our family’s values, that’s all.”

“Tony doesn’t go to church, okay?” Renee stated outright. “He’s not an atheist or anything; he’s just not into church and religious stuff.”

“Who’s not into religious stuff?” The voice was that of Renee’s father, Kenton, who had just walked into the room.

“Renee was just telling me about her new friend, Tony,” Teri replied. “She said he isn’t into church.”

“What is he, an atheist?” Kenton asked.

“Come on, you guys,” Renee retorted, sounding even more irritated. “Tony’s a great guy! Whether he goes to church or not isn’t an issue with me.”

“Well, it is with me,” Kenton said firmly.

“Look, Dad,” Renee began, “I don’t want to get into this discussion right now, okay? Because Tony and I don’t believe just like you guys, that doesn’t make us bad.”

“Honey, no one is saying you’re bad,” Teri responded, trying to temper the rising tension in the conversation. “What your dad and I want is for you to be happy and not get hurt, that’s all. But”—she raised her hand like a policeman stopping traffic to silence Renee’s inevitable retort—“let’s move on. So when can we meet Tony, anyway?”

“Actually, we were hoping we could both come here for Christmas break—not for the entire two weeks, of course. We want to spend part of it with his parents, too. But at least long enough that you can get to know each other.”

“That’s a wonderful idea, honey. Your dad and I would love it. Just let us know ahead of time which days you’ll be here, and I’ll have the guest room ready.”

Renee hesitated. “Sure, Mom. But—” She took a deep breath. “Well, like, is the guest room really necessary? I was thinking we could just stay in my room together.”

Teri’s eyes went wide with shock, but Kenton responded first. “Don’t be silly. You can’t do that. You know it’s not right.”

“I thought you’d say that,” Renee responded. “I explained to Tony how you and Mom feel about that sort of thing, but I promised to talk to you about it anyway. I don’t see why you can’t just accept my lifestyle choices and me. But don’t worry. We’ll respect your feelings and sleep in separate rooms while we’re here.”

Teri’s heart pounded like drums. “While you’re here?” Her voice went high and shrill. “What do you mean ‘while you’re here’? Are you trying to tell us that you two intend to sleep together when you’re not here?”

“We already do, Mom. We’re in love. You don’t really expect us to—”

Kenton interrupted. “I expect you to honour the morals and values your mother and I have taught you all your life.”

“I do,” Renee countered. “That’s why I agreed that we would sleep in separate rooms while we’re here. But at Tony’s house or at school, it’s different.”

Kenton tried to keep his composure. “Are you trying to tell me that Tony’s parents have no problem with your sleeping together at their house?”

“No, Dad, they don’t. After all, not everyone shares your views on that sort of thing, you know.”

Kenton shook his head. “I know that,” he said, trying to rein in his emotions. “But I certainly thought our daughter did share them.”

Renee took a deep breath and spoke in a softer tone. “Dad, in many ways I do share your views. You and Mom have taught me a lot. But there are some things I have to decide for myself. What you guys decided to do before you got married was your choice. I’ve made my choice, and I wish you guys could respect that and not judge me. In fact, I wish you could see that these choices are just as right for me as yours were for you.”

Kenton shook his head slowly. Teri stifled a sob. “I love you, honey,” she said. “I just don’t see how you can so easily abandon the values we raised you with.”

WHY THEY CAN’T AGREE

Renee’s parents want her to do what’s right. But as far as Renee is concerned, she is doing what’s right. She acknowledges that her parents didn’t live together before they got married because they believed it was wrong for them to do so. But Renee doesn’t think those values apply to her, because she has determined that living with a boy she is serious about is a wise way to go. In fact, having seen many of her friends’ parents divorce, she likely believes it’s a good step to ensure the best long-term relationship. She would like her parents to be tolerant by respecting and endorsing her decision. Since they don’t, a conflict has become inevitable.

Are Renee’s differing views from her parents’ just part of the infamous generation gap? Differences separating adults from their children have always existed to some degree. I (Josh) have a different perspective on a number of issues from that of my grown son, Sean. And I (Sean) sometimes see life from a different point of view from that of my father. This may be considered somewhat of a generation gap, yet we are bound together through a common set of core values. Our shared beliefs and value system bridge whatever differing views we may have on various subjects, and they enable us to work closely together, as we are doing in coauthoring this book.

It’s natural—and if done properly, even healthy—for the people of each new generation to establish a unique identity apart from their parents. Yet what we are experiencing today is far from the typical generation gap. We are seeing a cultural shift that is separating Christian parents from their children perhaps unlike anything seen before.

Renee is calling for her parents to be understanding. She wants her mom and dad to realize that she has the right to define sexual issues and marriage for herself. In fact, what she really desires is for her parents not only to respect her own brand of morality, but also to acknowledge that it isn’t wrong for her to do what she personally feels is right. If her parents respond in any way short of that, she will consider them to be intolerant.

If you are like most Christian parents, grandparents, or gatekeepers of young people (pastors, youth pastors, Christian educators), you are no doubt perplexed by a new younger generation of teens and twentysomethings that seems comfortable with a value system and set of beliefs that are often contrary to biblical standards. It’s not that you don’t want to be understanding of another person’s view—especially if it’s your own child—but you don’t want to endorse what you feel is biblically wrong either. Yet most of this generation don’t consider what they believe or how they behave to be wrong. In fact, they think their moral views are correct for them. They have adopted a different moral compass for evaluating truth, and so they often make radically different choices in the area of sex and relationships from those of their parents. This is the case with Renee.

Renee’s parents are troubled, and rightly so. But what they don’t seem to recognize is that Renee isn’t entirely wrong. Yet neither is she entirely right. From Renee’s point of view, failure to accept her moral choices amounts to a rejection not only of her beliefs but of her personally. She and an entire new younger generation are calling for more tolerance of a diverse culture. They want to be loved even though their beliefs and lifestyle may be different from those of previous generations. That is understandable. For youth to feel personally rejected when parents and friends are not accepting of what they do is natural.

As a former high school teacher, I (Sean) can tell you that many students have felt rejected and judged when their behaviour or ideas differed from the behaviour or ideas of their parents. It is not easy to disapprove of our children’s behaviour while at the same time making them feel loved as people of great worth. Oftentimes these two concepts seem to be in conflict with each other, and thus their relationship to each other is not clearly understood. Consequently, young people feel rejected, and distance forms between them and their parents.

Two very different understandings of tolerance are at odds here. Renee and most of her generation are in effect saying, “Be tolerant of me—which includes accepting my views and...