I Run, Therefore I Am--Nuts!

Bob Schwartz is a longtime freelance writer who specializes in running humor. He is well known to the mainstream running media. In addition to his weekly syndicated newspaper column, he has had hundreds of humorous essays published in national and regional publications, including Runner's World, FootNotes, Fitness Runner, Michigan Runner, New York Runner, Washington Running Report, Tail Winds, Run Ohio, Oklahoma Runner, Inside Texas Running, and Arkansas Runner. Schwartz has been an avid and slightly over-the-top runner for more than 20 years. He has completed countless marathons (but laments that excessive glycogen depletion at the finish prevents him from fully remembering each one) as well as all race distances from the 200 Meter Kids Snowman Shuffle (where he finished second after edging out a four-year-old at the finish line) to an ultramarathon of 50 miles (a feat he has no intention of repeating). Schwartz lives in Huntington Woods, Michigan, with his wife, Robin, and three children. His favorite pastimes are running, laughing, and writing. ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR Once a creative consultant for Walt Disney Feature Animation, B.K. Taylor is now a well-known illustrator and writer. He has contributed comic strips to many publications including National Lampoon, Hot Dog, and Dynamite magazines; scholastic publications; and various joke books. He has also illustrated Sesame Street books and magazine. Taylor's work has been recognized with the Inkpot Award, the Gold Brick, seven Caddies, the Funny Bone Award, and the Ace Award. Taylor lives in Franklin, Michigan, with his wife, Kathleen, and two daughters. His leisure activities include art collecting, traveling, and hiking.

Part I Training: Avoiding the Fall From Pace and Belly Smacking Into the Lactic Acid Pool
Chapter 1 Rules to Run By (Heh, Heh, Heh)
Chapter 2 Just Call Me Gumby
Chapter 3 I'm Treadmill Man, Hear the Hum
Chapter 4 Around the Learning Curve
Chapter 5 Kenyan Water Aerobics

Part II Racing: The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Da Feet
Chapter 6 Runner Mutation
Chapter 7 Not So Scarlet Letters
Chapter 8 City of Lard, Here I Come
Chapter 9 Parade Charade
Chapter 10 Introduction to Ingurgitation
Chapter 11 Send in the Clowns
Chapter 12 Turkey Lemmings

Part III The Mind-Set of the Distance Runner: The Plentiful Peculiarities of the Perspiring Fanatic
Chapter 13 Trick or Feet
Chapter 14 A Streak Isn't for the Meek
Chapter 15 Loony Ways of the Wayward Runner
Chapter 16 Mind of the Lost
Chapter 17 Shoe-Be-Do-Be-I-Did
Chapter 18 How Many Virtual Miles Do You Have?
Chapter 19 The Runner's Better Half

Part IV The Runner's Multiple Skills: Abilities Uncovered in the Unbearable Heaviness of Breathing
Chapter 20 Tegla Take Two
Chapter 21 Aggrandizement Amplified
Chapter 22 Get Your Groove Thing
Chapter 23 You Can't Lose Me Now
Chapter 24 Exhilaration of Exhaustion

Part V Nutrition and Recovery: The Search for the Holy Snail and the Joy of C3—Couch, Chips, Clicker
Chapter 25 On My Way Back to Candyland
Chapter 26 It's All in the Drool
Chapter 27 The Idle Truth
Chapter 28 The Missing Drink

Part VI The Marathon: Would We Be Doing Any of This if
Pheidippides Had Been in Just a Little Better Shape?
Chapter 29 Marathon Madness
Chapter 30 From the Plains of Greece We Come
Chapter 31 Rookie Runner, Hear My Words
Chapter 32 The Answer Is Going to Be Yes
Chapter 33 Coach Rod and the Zone

Part VII Injuries: What Tunes Does the Iliotibial Band Play?
Chapter 34 The Endorphinless Runner's Low
Chapter 35 Name That Ailment
Chapter 36 Run to Glory, or at Least the End of the Block

Part VIII Aging Gracefully: If I'd Known it Could Be So Fun, I'd Have Done It Sooner
Chapter 37 Lifetime Taper for a Masterous Peak
Chapter 38 Which Way Did It Go?

Part IX Competition and Effort: I'd Whoop My Grandma in Tiddlywinks!
Chapter 39 Battle in the Basement
Chapter 40 Nocturnal Decathlon
Chapter 41 Yo, Einstein! Recognize a Pattern Here?
Chapter 42 Running Matters
Chapter 43 Best Laid Plans

Part X Motivation: To Thine Own Sole Be True
Chapter 44 The Motivator in a Hat
Chapter 45 A Very Calculating Man
Chapter 46 Procrastinate Now
Chapter 47 Twin Theories of Running Resourcefulness