Chapter 3

After her mom died, the dad she had always known just disappeared. He was sad. They were both sad. He started drinking a lot. Beer and whiskey were his drinks of choice. He didn’t come up for air for months. Sometimes he slept in his car because he couldn’t drive home. Ember was on her own. No one paid the bills. No one went grocery shopping. No one cut the grass. So she started doing all of it. Her dad would leave money on the counter along with his credit card. She went shopping. When collection calls started rolling in, she answered them and even paid the bills. Not many 12 year old girls could say they were living pretty much on their own and surviving. That had become her normal. She woke up on her own, got her own breakfast, made her dad’s lunch, went to school, came home, cleaned the house, made dinner, did her homework, and waited for her dad to decide to come home. When he did, he ate, showered and went to bed. He was barely surviving and it was like she didn’t even exist.

No more movie nights. No more long bike rides. No more pizza from Aurelia’s. No more long talks around a fire in the backyard. No more searching for sea glass on the beach. It all went away when her mom died. It was like when she died, they died too.

Ember was sad. She was lonely. She missed her mom and her old life. She was grieving all of it in silence.

They didn’t have much family. It was the three of them most of the time. They were always together. Her dad didn’t drink much before her mom got sick. He was happy and funny and liked to teach her things. They used to go on adventures together, just the two of them, and play games as a family. He taught her how to change oil on the car and how to plant a garden. They used to plant vegetables, pick vegetables and make dinner and baked goods with the food they grew. They were a family. They were a team. But that all changed one day.

It was a Friday night and her mom and dad decided to go out without her. They rarely went out alone, so a fancy dinner was a special event. Her mom was dressed in a long emerald green lace dress and high heels. She was beautiful with her long red hair, just like Ember’s. Ember stayed at home while her parents went to dinner at the best restaurant in town. They were gone late, later than usual. When they finally returned late into the night, it was obvious that her mom had been crying and so had her dad. Had they had a fight? An accident? She didn’t know but she had never seen her dad cry. It was obvious that something big was happening. Ember knew that sometimes adults had things to talk about that were private but she still didn’t like being left in the dark.

The next morning, over pancakes and bacon, her favorite breakfast, her mom told her that she had been seeing a doctor. The doctor had called three days ago to tell her that she had advanced stage cancer. Colon. Ember didn’t even know what a colon was but she knew cancer wasn’t good. She looked toward her dad whose eyes never left his plate. Worry, sorrow, fear and uncertainty hung in the air.

“So, what does that mean?” Ember asked.

“It means we will fight with every single ounce of strength we have to save your mom.””

“Save? Could you die?” The room began to spin as the reality of what was happening sunk in.

“Oh, don’t you worry. I am tough. I am a fighter.” Her mom tried to reassure her, but wasn’t very convincing.

They did fight hard. Doctor after doctor. Pill bottles littered the counters in the kitchen and bathroom. Bottles with her mom’s name Sarah Lennox. Bottles with words she couldn’t pronounce. They tried. They prayed. They begged. But the disease was tough. Sarah went through so much pain from the treatment. Every week, the poison that would kill the cancer cells was pumped through her body. But they also killed healthy cells and she got weaker every day. She would often vomit and sleep for days. They tried to make memories through the pain. They laughed and cried and yelled. They were angry during that time. Angry at the doctors. Angry at each other. Angry at God. Then one day, they stopped being angry. She would never forget the words her mother said to her.

We can’t beat this. We just need to trust God and love one another. And never forget how much we love one another.

That night and so many nights after, they ate dinner in her mom’s room, read poetry and cuddled. They watched movies and talked about all the good times they had together. Ember watched as her mom faded, taking her dad with her. He had become a shell of himself. He stayed by her side only leaving to go to work. One day, she just stopped responding. She went to sleep and never woke up.

They couldn’t save her. They tried so hard. But sometimes God has a different plan and needs his angels home. At least that’s what everyone kept telling her.

Her dad was broken. Sarah was his life. They had been together since they were 15 years old. They used to tell stories of driving around in the back roads across the border in Wisconsin with their friends with the windows rolled down and the music blaring. They grew up together. They went to prom. Ember had one of their prom pictures hanging up on her bedroom wall. Her mom had put her hair up and wore way too much makeup, but she said that was the look back then. They got married and had Ember when they were only 18, two weeks after high school graduation. He hadn’t remembered a life where Sarah wasn’t by his side and he wasn’t sure he could survive without the love of his life.

He dutifully planned her funeral and had her cremated. Looking out at a room filled with mourners, he stoically spoke words of love and sorrow at her funeral. If you had asked him afterward what he had said, he would have told you he had no idea.

Then it was done. Over. They were just supposed to go on with their lives, without her.

One minute she was here, the next she wasn’t and she was just supposed to go on and figure out what to have for breakfast or what to wear to school or when to do her homework. How is that fair?

There Sarah sat, in a beautiful urn on the television stand, next to a picture from their wedding. She was adorned in a long silk dress with an embroidered train. Jake’s smile clearly indicated a man that was on top of the world. At only 18, they had no idea what they were doing. They had no money, no house, but they had love and they knew they’d figure the rest out. That was Ember’s favorite picture. They were happy. They had so much life ahead of them.

Jake and Ember were okay at first. They tried to talk and do things like they had before, filling in the gaps of silence with television or music, more just for noise, not entertainment. They’d go for walks and out for pizza but soon, they forgot how to talk to one another, each coping with their loss in their own way, but neither looking to help the other.

He started drinking slowly. A few nights here and there. He’d say he was just trying to move on. A few nights led to a few more nights and before anyone knew it, alcohol had consumed him. Ember knew he was drowning out Sarah’s memory, the pain and the emotions. But she was still a kid herself. How could she possibly deal with this? She thought maybe she should try drinking too. It seemed to work for her dad. A few kids at school would invite her to come over and they’d sneak their parent’s liquor. She tried it a few times. That dank, sharp sting after pouring the liquid over her tongue, felt like fire. She didn’t like the way she felt when she was drinking. The nausea and the way the room would spin made her feel sick. The next morning’s reminders of what she had done were the worst. And no matter how much she drank, she still missed her mom the next morning. She certainly didn’t want to live like her dad. So, she never drank again.

Life went on this way for almost a year. Her dad became someone she didn’t even recognize. He gained weight and no longer took care of himself. He worked in construction so no one really cared about his appearance. He barely ate but always had a glass of whiskey, if he even used a glass. Sometimes he just skipped the middle man and drank out of the bottle. The dirty, musty smell she had become accustomed to still made her sick to her stomach. He had become someone she didn’t even recognize.

People would call to check on them but she always had to say the same thing.

“He isn’t home. He probably went out.” She covered for him so family and friends wouldn’t realize what was really happening. But, she had a feeling they knew.

Her family started seeing some red flags and became concerned. They tried to talk to her dad. He just cried and apologized and said he’d change. But then the dark sadness came over him again and he’d have another drink. It became a horrible circle that had no end.

One night, they had an unexpected visitor. Her Aunt Marci came over. Marci was dad’s sister and didn’t hide her disappointment in Jake’s behavior. Marci came in and asked Ember to give her and her dad some privacy. It was one of few nights that her dad was home and sober. There was yelling but Ember couldn’t make out what they were fighting about. When it was over, they came out of the office. Marci hugged Ember and left with promises of visiting soon. Jake had been crying. He also hugged...