Squirm

CARL HIAASEN was born and raised in Florida. He writes a column for the Miami Herald and is the author of many bestselling novels including Bad Monkey, Razor Girl, and Squeeze Me. 

His books for younger readers include the Newbery Honor winner Hoot, as well as Flush, Scat, Squirm, and Chomp. Skink No Surrender was Hiaasen's first book for teens and features one of his most iconic characters, the reclusive ex-governor of Florida now known as Skink. 

You can read more about Hiaasen's work at carlhiaasen.com.

This one kid, he got kicked out of school.

That s not easy to do--you need to break some actual laws. We heard lots of rumors, but nobody gave us the straight story.

The kid s name was Jammer, and I got his locker.

Who knows what he kept in there, but he must ve given out the combination to half the school. Kids were always messing with my stuff when I wasn t around.

So I put a snake inside the locker. Problem solved.

It was an Eastern diamondback, a serious reptile. Eight buttons on the rattle, so it made some big noise when people opened the locker door. The freak-out factor was high.

Don t worry--the rattlesnake couldn t bite. I taped its mouth shut. That s a tricky move, not for rookies. You need steady hands and zero common sense. I wouldn t try it again.

The point is I didn t want that rattler to hurt anyone. I just wanted kids to stay out of my locker.

Which they now do.

I set the diamondback free a few miles down Grapefruit Road, on the same log where I found him. It s important to exit the scene fast, because an adult rattlesnake can strike up to one-half of its body length. Most people don t know that, and why would they? It s not a necessary piece of information, if you live a halfway normal life.

Which I don t.

What does your dad do?

I hear this question whenever we move somewhere new.

My standard answer: He runs his own business.

But the truth is I don t know what my father does. He sends a check, Mom cashes it. I haven t seen the guy since I was like three years old. Maybe four.

Does it bother me? Possibly. Sure.

I ve done some reading about this, how it can mess up a person when his parents split, especially when one of them basically vanishes from the family scene. I don t want to be one of those screwed-up kids, but I can t rule out the possibility.

Mom doesn t say much about Dad. The checks always show up on time--the tenth of the month--and they never bounce. We might not be rich, but we re definitely not poor. You wouldn t believe how many pairs of shoes my sister owns. God, I give her so much grief.

The way I look at it, Mom doesn t get a free pass just because she doesn t want to talk about my father. That s not what you d call a healthy, open approach to an issue. So I stay on her case, though not in a mean way.

What does he do for a living? I ll say, like I ve never asked before.

Well, Billy, I m not exactly sure what he does, she ll begin in the same tight voice, but I can tell you what he doesn t do.

Over time, based on my mother s commentary, I ve scratched the following professions off my Phantom Father list:

Astronaut, quantum physicist, lawyer, doctor, heavy-metal guitarist, veterinarian, architect, hockey player, NASCAR driver, jockey, plumber, roofer, electrician, pilot, policeman, car salesman, and yoga instructor.

Mom says Dad s too claustrophobic to be an astronaut, too lousy at math to be a quantum physicist, too shy to be a lawyer, too squeamish to be a doctor, too uncoordinated to play the guitar, too tall to be a jockey, too hyper for yoga, and so on.

I don t like this game, but I m making progress, information-wise. Mom s still touchy about the subject, so I try to take it easy. Meanwhile, my sister, Belinda, acts like she doesn&rs