It's Not Over Until God Says It's Over (eBook)

Chapter 1

Broken But Not Defeated

“I put my pain to ink and wrote my peace.”

Although it’s true that time heals all wounds, the process it takes to journey through your grief and suffering to reach recovery can be just as traumatic. I’ve gone through more heartbreaking things than I ever imagined I could handle. I’m sure I’m not the only one among many of you who have gone through heartbreak after heartbreak and spent years dealing with regret, excruciating guilt, shame, and rejection, as well as occasionally wrestling with the idea of giving up. Sometimes life throws us an unexpected curveball that knocks the wind out of us and we find ourselves seeking support from our fellow Christian brothers and sisters in church, but instead we are greeted with unhealed broken vessels discipling others from an empty cup. 

When the Lord asked me to devote my life to full-time ministry, I cried, and I cried because I knew the path that I would travel would be difficult. I was afraid and I had feelings of inadequacy. I frequently did the opposite of what the Lord was asking of me, but this time was different. My spirit had already said yes to the Lord. I had a strong desire to get out of the boat and be obedient to the Lord even though I knew that there would be times of loneliness, rejection, persecution, and suffering. My heart also understood that the Lord had called and chosen me to be His hands and feet and that He had not called me to fit in. He called me to be different, to be set apart, to go to places that no one else would want to go, and most importantly, that He would be with me no matter where He sent me. Therefore, despite how I felt, I made the decision to follow the Lord and rely on His strength for the difficult, but ultimately fulfilling and life-changing adventure that lay ahead.

Long before I answered my calling, God had already chosen me as an ordained Minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I was commissioned in 2017 and held a few pastoral positions within this religious organization. Throughout my four and a half years as a pastor, I worked with other leaders and pastors who were spiritually toxic, abusive in their spiritual conduct toward their church and staff and abused their authority. They exploited their position of spiritual influence in ways that are unimaginable for those who are blood-washed Believers. I experienced emotional and spiritual abuse while serving as a pastor in a religious organization. However, God knew that my experiences would not destroy me, but instead help shape and mold me into the person I have become today. I want to make it clear that it wasn’t the congregation members I served; rather, it was the organization’s leadership. I should add that not all my leadership experiences were negative; nonetheless, the ones I had overshadowed the ones that were intended to edify and strengthen God’s people. 

It really can feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under you when you experience spiritual abuse or rejection from the church. Giving up my church home of over a decade and losing my community all at once was what it meant for me to step away from my position. It felt both alienating and traumatic. Even though this season of my life is over, this part of my story has nevertheless taught me a lot of valuable lessons, one is which can be found in God’s Word and is embedded in my heart, “This is what the Sovereign Lord says: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock.” (Ez. 34:10a)

I believe that spiritual abuse is one of the many reasons why there are so many wounded soldiers in the Body of Christ. We live in such an age where people are wandering aimlessly to find something to give meaning to life. They are hungry and thirsty because the weight of the world is squeezing the life out of them, and the church has the solution. We have the answer to feed and satisfy their hunger and thirst and that is JESUS. Sadly, there are far too many spiritually wounded pastors who have mastered the skill of abusing their flock while ministering to God’s people. They allow their church to bear the brunt of their brokenness, which has a horrible impact on individuals who need to know about the unconditional love of Jesus Christ. 

The one thing that I believe to be the most harmful about spiritually wounded leaders is that often, these leaders lead from an unresolved place and unintentionally or knowingly do harm to others. The effects of spiritual abuse sent me on a spiritual roller-coaster of negative feelings that made me doubt my value and worth, causing me to experience depression, anxiety, and other unhealthy emotions. It’s true that “hurt people hurt people,” but we can choose to be healed and transform into “healed people heal people” rather than staying in our hurt.

My darkest ministry experiences throughout my time in this organization included harassment, discrimination, and a toxic ministry atmosphere from leadership that left me feeling alone, rejected, and uncared for by individuals that I trusted and highly respected to love, support, lead, and guide me. I felt unheard and unseen.

One experience I can remember was when the Senior Pastors asked to meet with me following a revival, I led at my church that they were unimpressed with because people were praying in tongues. During the meeting they questioned me about my denominational background and what knowledge I had of other faith-based denominations that attended the revival. I responded by saying they are our brothers and sisters. 

They proceeded to ask me who told me to do such a revival. I responded, “The Lord.” I also shared that one of the young adults in the community wanted to do something to bring the churches together in the community, so he shared his vision of a “Worship Experience Night”, and we partnered to do this amazing revival that was filled with believers from different denominations that was under one roof lifting the name of Jesus. It was the most beautiful worship experience I had ever seen. The Senior Pastors told me that I could never have a revival like that again with people speaking in tongues and any revivals going forward must be the style of worship based on this religious organization.

After my meeting with my Senior Pastors, I contacted my Divisional Leaders and requested a meeting with them to discuss the meeting I had with my Senior Pastors, and they also agreed with what they had instructed me to do. I was so disappointed and hurt by my leadership because I felt they were wrong. How can we preach that we love inclusively but exclude other faith-based groups because the way they worship looks different. None of this made sense to me but I submitted to my organization’s orders and never did a revival again. I continued to be mistreated and later wrote a grievance letter to the Divisional Headquarters, but I never received a response, even to this day. 

I can write an entire book on all the lessons the Lord has taught me through each difficult and painful church experience I had in this organization. I believe in sharing this portion of my life; it has been part of my healing, helping others to know they are not alone. I am also very thankful for the many spiritual giants that spoke life into me when I was weary of doing well-doing, when I felt broken beyond repair. I believe they were my angels that stood in the gap for me. I had so much pain and trauma from leadership that I contemplated walking away from the ministry all together, but God had other plans. When I could not pray for myself, when I wanted to give up, and I felt like I was losing my mind, these brothers and sisters came to the pit in which I lied hopeless and defeated and loved me past my pain. They listened without judgment and walked alongside me and reminded me of who I was and whom I belong to.

When people ask me how I learned to love so well, my response is because I had to learn how to forgive. I never anticipated being so hurt by the church, but I’ve come to see that the Lord was teaching me what not to do in ministry during that season of hurt. How not to treat people so I would know how to treat people. How to love all people inclusively. How to extend forgiveness just as Christ does. I also learned the difference between someone who hurts and someone who heals. Out of their own suffering, someone who is struggling hurts others. Someone who has accepted God’s healing imparts healing to others.

One insightful quote I came across by Iyanla Vanzant, an American motivational speaker, author, lawyer, and life coach, that really spoke to me was “True freedom is giving people permission to misunderstand you. In any situation, you have the power and ability to choose your experience.” When people misunderstand you, let them. Don’t argue with those committed to misunderstanding you.

We strengthen our faith when we decide to let God help us overcome our hurt by loving those who have wronged us. Our spiritual maturity is measured by our ability to feed on God’s Word, to see the various ways Jesus expresses His love for us, and to grow up!

Consider reading God’s Word if dealing with tough individuals is difficult for you. Jesus says in Luke 6:32, “What credit do you get for loving those who love you?” In Luke 6:35, Jesus challenges His people to love their enemies and do good to them. It is not enough to love those who are easy to love; we must also love those who are hard to love. God requires us to love everyone, even those who mistreat and misunderstand us; we do not get to choose who...