Reactivity (eBook)

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Wholesome Talk

It was a book title that said it all: Vulgarians at the Gate (Prometheus, 2001). Steve Allen had entertained America on television for decades, but now as an older man he was grieved at the coarsening of the medium he had dedicated much of his life and gifts to. His book is not the comedic ride you would expect from Allen but rather a stinging critique of a medium gone vulgar. Vulgarians was published more than twenty years ago; think of what Allen would write about Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok today.

Why have these wonderful tools of human communication seemingly been taken over by coarse, angry, vulgar, cruel, vengeful posts from almost every side? Why does a mocking response draw a crowd, quite willing to join in? Why do we seem to be aggressors on the hunt rather than participants in a conversation? Why does controversy magnetize us? Whatever happened to wholesome talk?

Eric Hoffer, the hugely popular street-level American philosopher, commented on the power of malice: “It is remarkable by how much a pinch of malice enhances the penetrating power of an idea or an opinion. Our ears, it seems, are wonderfully attuned to sneers and evil reports about our fellow men.”1 With these words Hoffer proved to be a better theologian than he probably knew.

Jesus said that as sinners we love darkness rather than light. As long as sin still lives inside of us, there is in us an attraction to evil. It is a humbling thing to admit. The power of sin’s temptation is that it appeals to something inside of us. Here is the clearest way to biblically view Hoffer’s observation. It is always the evil that is still inside of us that hooks us to the evil that is outside of us. This is why we are attracted to the dark and damaging words of gossip or why we laugh at mockery that should repel us. This is why we are not only attracted to malice but we soon join in, or why we spend way too much screen time tracking down the latest controversy. None of this would happen if it didn’t feed something that our hearts desire.

What does this have to do with wholesome talk? Let’s go back to Steve Allen’s Vulgarians. Allen was right, but not at a deep enough level. It’s not just that we hear and read words on popular and social media that would have shocked us not too many years ago, and it’s not just that vulgar sexual terms and blasphemous use of the Lord’s name have become regular; it’s what is behind those words that needs both examination and the kind of transformation that only grace can provide. Why do we glory in a put-down, a mocking hot take, or verbal cruelty? We have a problem, but it’s deeper than vocabulary.

I want to spend the rest of this chapter examining one passage from Ephesians that exposes why we react toward one another the way we do, what a much better way looks like, and what makes that better way possible. This passage sits right in the middle of Paul’s lengthy portrait of what it looks like in everyday life and relationships to live in light of the gospel of the grace of Jesus Christ: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption” (Eph. 4:29–30).

The first thing that is vital to notice is that Paul’s discussion of wholesome (not corrupting) communication is not a discussion of vocabulary. He doesn’t define “corrupting” talk by giving us a list of forbidden words. Now, this doesn’t mean that we are free to use sexually explicit, damning, or culturally impolite terms whenever and however we wish. But this passage does warn us that defining unwholesome talk by a list of words is too low of a standard. For Paul, “corrupting talk” is first and foremost a matter of the intention of the heart. You can cruelly mock a person and not use one single bad word. You can post something that is meant to harm while not using certain offensive words. You can react vengefully while priding yourself that you haven’t damned the person. If, as the family of God, we are ever going to address the culture of harmful reactivity that lives not just in the surrounding culture but also in our family, we must get below the level of vocabulary and shine the light of biblical wisdom on the thoughts, desires, and intentions of our hearts.

Here’s how this passage immediately hits me. It sets for me an impossibly high standard, one that somehow, someway I fall short of every day. I wish I could say that everything I speak or write flows out of the kind of intentionality that this passage calls us to. I wish I could say that I have matured to the point where I never react in a way that resists the beautiful call of these words, but I can’t. The seemingly impossible standard of the wholesome talk in Ephesians 4:29 always carries my thoughts to James 3:

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.

How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. (James 3:1–12)

Open your heart to the strongly stated warning of these words. How does James characterize the problem with our talk (tongues)?

“If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man.”

“The tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness.”

“No human being can tame the tongue.”

“It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

“With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.”

These are strong, convicting, and disheartening words that alert us to the fact that what we are considering in this book is not a little thing that we should find a way somehow to live with. No, what we are dealing with is something that sets people, relationships, families, government, communities, schools, and the church on fire. So, we have to ask, “How do we tame the untamable?” How do we harness what James says is a “restless evil”? What hope of change do we have for our culture of reactivity? Let the power of the words of James 3 convict you, but don’t let them discourage you. Ephesians 4:29–30 has powerful answers for us: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption” (Eph. 4:29–30).

Let me go back to what I earlier observed about Paul’s application of the gospel to our speech. He focuses not just on our words but also on our hearts—the intention behind our reactions and responses. This is exactly where the attention needs to be. Jesus said that every word that comes out of our mouth finds its origin and formation in our heart (see Luke 6:43–45). Your reactions will only ever go where your heart has already gone. So, a commitment to wholesome talk isn’t first a commitment to a restricted vocabulary but rather to change at the level of the thoughts, desires, intentions, and choices of the heart. Paul delineates three heart commitments that will always lie behind a culture of wholesome responses to one another.

Every Response Must Be Shaped by a Consideration of the Person

“Only such as is good for building up.” Here is an application of “love your neighbor as yourself” to our world of communication. It is a call to responses that are deeply loving. I am not posting what I am posting because it makes me happy or it satisfies some philosophical, theological, cultural, or tribal desire in me. This is a call to other-centered communication. My reaction is not done for me but out of loving consideration for you. There is something that I want for you, but it’s not that you would be simply proven wrong, put in your place, exposed for what you are, proven to be the fool, exposed as a member of a certain tribe, soundly mocked, getting what belongs to you, knocked off...