Chapter Two
Loving and Serving Each Other

The proclamation on the family goes on to say,

"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children" (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). Loving and caring for each other requires thought and effort, but it pays great dividends.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

"I believe in the family where there is a husband who regards his companion as his greatest asset and treats her accordingly; where there is a wife who looks upon her husband as her anchor and strength, her comfort and security; where there are children who look to mother and father with respect and gratitude; where there are parents who look upon those children as blessings and find a great and serious and wonderful challenge in their nurture and rearing. The cultivation of such a home requires effort and energy, forgiveness and patience, love and endurance and sacrifice; but it is worth all of these and more.

"I have learned that the real essence of happiness in marriage lies not so much in romance as in an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one's companion. Thinking of self alone and of the gratification of personal desires will build neither trust, love, nor happiness. Only when there is unselfishness will love, with its concomitant qualities, flourish and blossom.

"Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have" (Ensign, Aug. 1992, 6).

While serving in the Seventy, Elder James E. Faust said: "In the enriching of marriage the big things are the little things. It is a constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. It is the encouraging and the helping of each other to grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine" (Ensign, Nov. 1977, 11).

A husband's number-one priority should be his wife and a wife’s number-one priority should be her husband. As we make each other’s happiness a high priority in our lives, we will develop a closeness and a deep, loving relationship with our spouse. As we treat each other in a kind, loving, thoughtful way, we will strengthen our relationship and enjoy our lives together.

As I have counseled with hundreds of women over the years in my role as a priesthood leader in the Church, I have discovered one thing that causes me some concern. Women seem to be very hard on themselves and are often their own worst critics. They are always comparing themselves to other women that they somehow feel are better wives and mothers than they are. They often feel they don't measure up and that they should be doing more to improve themselves, their families, and their circumstances. I ran across the following humorous example from Brent A. Barlow that unfortunately may seem all too true to some of the mothers in the Church:

"It is true that children contribute to tension and stress in a home. But many women, sometimes unknowingly, contribute to their own feelings of stress by trying to live a life-style that is unrealistic. Margaret B. Black and Midge W. Nielsen have, with tongue in cheek, noted this phenomenon among some LDS women in their article titled 'Patti Perfect.'

'Many LDS women unconsciously compete with an idealized image of the already-perfect wife and mother who successfully incorporates all the demands of family, church, and society into her life. Although we have never met such a woman, we persist in believing she's out there somewhere. We can just imagine what she must accomplish in a day.

'Patti gets up very early and says her personal prayers. She zips her slim, vigorous body into her warm-up suit and tiptoes outside to run her usual five miles (on Saturday she does ten). Returning home all aglow, she showers and dresses for the day in a tailored skirt and freshly starched and ironed blouse. She settles down for quiet meditation and scripture reading before preparing the family breakfast. The morning's menu calls for whole wheat pancakes, homemade syrup, freshly squeezed orange juice, and powdered milk (the whole family loves it).

'With classical music filling the air, Patti awakens her husband and ten children. She spends a quiet moment with each and helps them plan a happy day. The children quickly dress in clothes that were laid out the night before. They cheerfully make their beds, clean their rooms, and do the individual chores assigned to them on the Family Work Wheel Chart. They assemble for breakfast the minute mother calls.

'After family prayer and scripture study, the children all practice their different musical instruments. Father leaves for work on a happy note, All too soon it is time for the children to leave for school. Having brushed (and flossed) their teeth, the children pick up coats, book bags, and lunches which were prepared the night before and arrive at school five minutes early.

"With things more quiet, Patti has story time with her pre-schoolers and teaches them a cognitive reading skill. She feeds, bathes, and rocks the baby before putting him down for his morning nap. With baby sleeping peacefully and the three-year-old twins absorbed in creative play, Patti tackles the laundry and housework. In less than an hour, everything is in order. Thanks to wise scheduling and children who are trained to work, her house never really gets dirty.

'Proceeding to the kitchen, Patti sets out tonight's dinner: frozen veal parmigiana that she made in quantity from her home-grown tomatoes and peppers. She then mixes and kneads twelve loaves of bread. While the bread rises, Patti dips a batch of candles to supplement her food storage. As the bread bakes, she writes in her personal journal and dashes off a few quick letters: one to her Congressman and a couple of genealogy inquiries to distant cousins. Patti then prepares her mini-class on organic gardening. She also inserts two pictures and a certificate in little Paul's scrapbook, noting with satisfaction that all family albums are attractive and up- to-date. Checking the mail, Patti sees that their income tax refund has arrived-a result of having filed in January. It is earmarked for mission and college savings accounts. Although Patti's hardworking husband earns only a modest salary, her careful budgeting has kept the family debt-free.

'After lunch, Patti drops the children off at Grandma's for their weekly visit. Grandma enjoys babysitting and appreciates the warm loaf of bread. Making an extra call, Patti takes a second loaf to one of the sisters she is assigned to visit teach. A third loaf goes to the non-member neighbor on the corner.

"'Patti arrives at the elementary school where she directs a special education program. A clinical psychologist, Patti finds this an excellent way to stay abreast of her field while raising her family. Before picking up her little ones, Patti finishes collecting for the charity fund drive.

"'Home again, Patti settles the children down for their afternoon naps. She spends some quiet time catching up on her reading and filing. As she mists her luxuriant house plants, the school children come through the door. Patti listens attentively to each one as they tell her about their day. The children start right in on their homework, the mother supervising and encouraging them. When all schoolwork is done, Patti and the children enjoy working on one of their projects. Today they work on the quilt stretched on frames in a corner of the family room.

'Dinnertime and father arrive, and it is a special hour for the whole family. They enjoy Patti's well-balanced, tasty meal, along with stimulating conversation. After dinner, father and the children pitch in to clean up so that mom can relax. She enjoys listening to the sounds of laughter and affection that come from the kitchen. With the teenaged children in charge at home, mother and father attend an evening session at the temple. During the return trip, they sit close together as in courting days. "Well dear," says Paul Perfect, "did you have a good day?" Patti reflectively answers, "Yes, I really did. But I feel I need more challenge in my life, I think I'll contact our Family Organization and volunteer to head up a reunion for August." '(Black, p. 15.)

"Although such a superwoman really does not exist, we recognize the model in the story because we have encountered many of the expectations Patti Perfect meets. The danger for many of us is in setting too many expectations for ourselves-expectations that are unrealistic and oftentimes trivial. Such expectations, coupled with failure to meet them, create undue stress for ourselves and our family" (Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and How to Avoid Them [1986], 141).

Though humorous, this story often describes how our wives and mothers see themselves compared to other women. This can cause unrealistic expectations, can lead to discouragement and depression, and can make them feel overwhelmed with life. Remember, Heavenly Father never makes us feel that way about ourselves. Satan is the chief source of discouragement, despair, and hopelessness.

While I was serving as a bishop, we had four small children and my wife had to care for them and carry most of the burden of raising them because I was often gone to meetings and interviews. By accident, I learned an...