Expectation Gap (eBook)

CHAPTER 1:
The Science Behind
Expectations

Since you have chosen to read this book, the odds are that you realize the value of learning more about your expectations and how to adjust them. This can be a huge catalyst for positive change in your life and relationships. Before we can get to the work of changing mindset and expectations, however, it is of paramount importance that we fully grasp what expectations are and why we have them. The word expectation is defined as “the act or state of looking forward or anticipating, an expectant mental attitude, something expected; a thing looked forward to and the degree of probability that something will occur.”2 Having expectations is not a bad thing. In fact, it is very natural and has many helpful benefits, all of which we will dive deeper into in Chapter 2.

Many people start their day with expectations as soon as they wake up – you might expect your hot water to be working so you can take a hot shower or expect that you will make it safely to work on time. Then, you might expect a certain reaction or conversation with your coworkers or plan on your day looking a certain way based on your workload or the previous day. You might expect a certain greeting from your spouse when you return home in the evening or expect dinner to be at a certain time. The list goes on and on. We are often in a state of hopping from one expectation to the next, based on what we are looking towards next. It allows us to forecast our future days to a certain extent and also helps create some sense of order. Expectations serve a purpose. At their best, they allow us to hope and strive for more, to look forward to what happens next, to mentally prepare us for certain scenarios and can even help us achieve a certain level of growth and success (more on this in the next chapter). At their worst though, they can lead to disillusionment and resentment, destroy relationships and cause feelings of anger and disappointment. It is not a matter of getting rid of them altogether, for this is impossible nor would it truly benefit you. The key to managing expectations is to identify them and adjust them based on reality, not try to make reality conform to the expectations.

This concept of expectations and how they shape our reality and perspective is nothing new. Marketing experts have known about this, and taken advantage of it, for many years. This is why branded marketing is so huge! Think about it, what are your perceptions of a Tide detergent versus off-brand in terms of cleaning power? What about Pepsi versus a regular soda? For example, MIT did a few studies on this very thing. In one study on beer, students were asked to rate a regular beer (Budweiser) and their own “MIT brew”. The “MIT brew” contained a few drops of balsamic vinegar, which admittedly doesn’t make for a great-tasting beer. The study involved 400 students at two pubs randomly assigned to one of three groups. One group of students tasted the beer without knowing anything about the secret ingredient of balsamic vinegar. A second group was told about the vinegar before they tasted the beer. The third group was informed of the vinegar after they had tasted the beer. Which group of students do you think enjoyed and preferred the “MIT brew” the most? Yep, it was the first group that knew nothing of the balsamic vinegar. The timing of when the students were told about the vinegar also mattered as only those told about the vinegar before they tasted the beer significantly reduced their preference for it. This suggests that the disclosure of information about the secret ingredient affected preferences by influencing the experience itself. The perception of how the vinegar might alter the taste of the beer influenced preference, not the actual taste itself!3

A separate experiment on branding power was conducted over a series of studies with roughly 200 students. They were given a golf putter and asked to sink putts from various spots on a green. Half were told it was a Nike putter (which a poll indicated they viewed as a strong performance brand) and the other half were told that it was a Starter brand putter (which they viewed as a weak performance brand) or just a no-name generic putter. In reality, both groups used the same putter though they did not know it. The students told they had the Nike putter, however, took 20% fewer strokes to sink putts than the others.4,5

There have been numerous other similar studies that seem to prove the theories behind the well-known sayings that “ignorance is bliss” and “perception is reality.” Time and time again, there is proof that how we perceive something affects our experience of that very thing regardless of the facts surrounding it. We do this same thing with our relationships. What we expect from the other person in terms of behaviors and outcomes often drives our level of satisfaction or discontentment, sometimes more than their actual behaviors themselves! Why do expectations and perception hold so much power over our experiences? For that answer, we must look to the brain. Neuroscientists, scientists who focus on the brain and its impact on behavior and cognitive functions, have discovered that we truly do have the ability to change our way of thinking by forming new neural pathways in the brain which in turn will change our experience. This ability to change the wiring in our brains, which is reflected in our point of view, is called neuroplasticity. How amazing is that?! We have the power to literally change the structure and function of our brains through our thoughts. Neuroscientists are using this concept to help people do everything from recovering from traumatic brain injury and eating disorders to improving one’s athletic performance and sense of happiness.

While we have this incredible opportunity to change our brains and experiences through our thoughts, it can be used for good or harm. Ultimately, everything you see, do, think about and experience is mirrored in your brain, from the connections formed and the growth in size needed to accommodate you. This means that what we think, do and say ultimately affects who we are inside and that we can retrain our brain for the better. It means that what we think, do, and say matters; that it affects who we become on the outside, the inside, and in our brains. Mostly, it means that you can retrain your brain to be more positive. We do not simply have to be victims of our past experiences or backgrounds. No matter what we have gone through, we can transform our experiences through our brain, which begins with our thoughts. This is a very common theme and concept within the Bible. Just look at some of the following verses:

• “For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he…” (KJV, Prov. 23:7)
• “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…” (ESV, Rom. 12:2)
• “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (ESV, 2 Cor. 2:4-5)
• “...to be renewed in the spirit of your minds…” (ESV, Eph. 4:23)

How interesting that a book written over 2,000 years ago directly speaks to some of these very same concepts we are just uncovering scientifically in terms of the renewal of the mind and the power of our thought life! Regardless of your religious beliefs or background, we can all agree that it is worth taking note of any ideas that have not only been in practice and discussion for such a long period of time, but are also now being reinforced in the scientific community.

So, we now have a small glimpse into how our expectations of something can affect our experience of it. You may be asking what any of this has to do with relationships. A whole lot, it turns out. I’m going to break down some technical terms for you in the next few paragraphs in order to help you understand more about how deeply embedded our expectations, and biases surrounding them, are. Have you ever heard of the false consensus bias? I didn’t think so. It doesn’t exactly make its way into your standard water cooler conversations. However, it is fascinating, so hang with me here. Ever notice that we often assume other people will think and act like us, or at least should? There is a reason for that. False consensus bias, often referred to as the false consensus effect, is “the tendency to overestimate the extent to which other people hold similar views to our own.” Since our own thoughts and perspectives are the only ones that we can truly feel and experience, and on a constant basis might I add, it makes sense that we largely use our own views to predict the viewpoints and behaviors of others. However, we all know this is not an accurate measure of judgment. One example of this particular bias was demonstrated in a study by Joachim Krueger and Russell Clement in which they gave college students a personality test. They asked these students to estimate how many other students in their same school would have answered the questions in the same way they did, as a percentage. The students who agreed with specific items often believed that other students were also going to agree on these same points and conversely, the students who disagreed with specific items...