Polyamorous Elders

Kathy Labriola is a counselor, nurse, and hypnotherapist in a private practice in Berkeley, California, providing affordable mental health services to people in non-traditional relationships for the past 30 years, including the poly, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. She is the author of Love in Abundance: A Counselor's Advice on Open Relationships, The Jealousy Workbook, and The Polyamory Break-up Book: Causes, Survival. She has been a political activist and a card-carrying bisexual and polyamorist for 50 years. She is “extra crunchy” and lives in a housing cooperative, where she bikes, raises chickens, and grows organic vegetables. Her personal website is www.kathylabriola.com.

Introduction

What is the Prevalence of Polyamory Among Elders?

“The Greatest Generation” and the “Baby Boomers”

Intersectionality and Poly Elders

Studies that Attempt to Fill in the Gaps on Information about Poly Elders

Research Methods

The Demographics of Case Studies and Examples Presented of Poly Elders

Part I: What Challenges are Most Common for Poly Geezers?

Chapter 1: First of All, Sex!

The Changing Nature of Sex for Poly Geezers

Case Study #1: Elise

The Challenges of Sex for Poly Geezers

Joshua’s Story

Ginny’s story

Case Study #2: Danilo

Case Study #3: Anastasia

Jesse’s story

Case Study #4: Libby

Strategies Developed by Poly Elders to Solve the Sexual Changes of Aging

Case Study #5: Jake and Nora

Case Study #6: Joseph

Case Study #7: Sita

Marilyn’s Story

Case Study #8: Lise

Jana’s Story

Being Poly can Help Couples Navigate Sexual Problems and Find Delightful Solutions

Case Study #9: Jordan and Lourdes

Case Study #10: Dolly and Jim

Chapter 2: Some Poly People Shift to Monogamy as They Age

Case Study #1: Mary and Gene

Case Study #2: Vicky and Bart

Case Study #3: Terry and Randy

Chapter 3: Poly Elders and Celibacy: Is There a Contradiction?

What’s Sex Go to Do With It? Flourishing Poly Relationships, But Without the Sex!

Case Study #1: Paul, Stacey, and Daniel

Case Study #2: Francois, Audrey, and Jeannie

Case Study #3: Jerome and Raphael

Case Study #4: LaRhonda and Beeandra

Chapter 4: The Curious Phenomenon of Successful Older Poly-Mono Couples

Case Study #1: Rachel, Matt, and Jerry

Case Study #2: Lauren and Kumar

Case Study #3: Ayisha, Betty, and Roger

Case Study #4: Geraldine and Dre

Case Study #5: Sharon, Benny, and Pam

The Unique Benefits of Poly Relationships for Older Monogamous Women

Cautionary Tales on the Challenges of a Mono/Poly Relationship

Case Study #6: Shirley:

Case Study #7: Hazel

A Few Other Older Women’s “Short Takes” on the Benefits of Mono/Poly Relationships

Chapter 5: Elders Trying to Explain Polyamory to Their Adult Kids

Case Study #1: Nancy, Emma, and Carrie

Case Study #2: Jon

Chapter 6: Older People Who Were “Poly Before Polyamory Was Invented”

Case Study #1: Harry and Hope

Case Study #2: Linda, Bruce, and Cliff

Case Study #3: Danielle and Valentino

Case Study #4: Frank, Lisa, and Crystal

Chapter 7: Conflicts Over a Partner’s Adult Children and/or Grandchildren

Case Study #1: Lucy, Reginald, and Jim

Case Study #2: Betsy, Stella, and Ginger

Part II: Retirement and Its Effects on Polyamorous Relationships

Chapter 8: When One Person is Already Retired and the Other Eventually Decides to Retire

Case Study #1: Warren, Jen, and Aja

Case Study #2: Karen, Benjamin, and Louellen

Chapter 9: When One Partner Retires but One or More Partners are Still Working

Case Study #1: Joe, Martha, Jerry, and Anita

Case Study #2: Kelly, Bill, Phil, and Sue

Chapter 10: Retirement Can Create More Time and Energy for Poly Relationships, and Poly Geezers are Pretty Good at Time and Energy Management

Dan’s Story

Poly Geezers Tend to Have Excellent Time and Energy Management Skills

John’s Story

Case Study #1 Blanche

Case Study #2: Tommy, Janet, and Bertha

Are Elders Good at Polyamory or is Polyamory Good for Elders?

Chapter 11: Retirement Can Shine a Spotlight on Incompatibilities

Ricardo and Maria’s Story

Case Study #1: Joanna, Buddy, Harriet, and Tad

Part III: When Poly Elders Want (or Need) to Move into Senior Living Facilities

Chapter 12: Poly Elders Fear Discrimination and Hostility in Senior Housing

Case Study #1: Joanne, Jay, and Patsy

Case Study #2: Pierre and Pharell

Case Study #3: Miriam

Stan and Martin’s Story

Case Study #4: Ellen, Jamie, and Evie

Chapter 13: What are the Options for Polys in Senior Living?

Sex-Positive Senior Housing: Is That an Oxymoron?

Elder Care Professionals’ Perspectives on Poly Elders and Senior Living Facilities

Lessons from the Experience of LGBTQ Elders in Senior Living Facilities

Case Study #1: Russell, Matilda, and Ray

Case Study #2: Evelyn, Lou, and Nikki

Senior Cohousing Communities May Be a Poly-Friendly Senior Housing Option

Part IV: Poly Geezers Coping with Health Problems and Disabilities

Chapter 14: The Effects of Medical Conditions on Poly Elders and Relationships

Case Study #1: Rhonda, Josh, and Sarona

Medical Conditions Complicate the Logistics and Romance of Poly Relationships

Katie’s Story

Case Study #2: Rajah, Sabre, Rachel, and Dasan

Tanika and Katherine’s Story

Case Study #3: Miles, Shane, and Art

Paul’s Story

Case Study #4: Jacinda, Maddy, and Millie

Chapter 15: Care-Giving Responsibilities for Elderly Relatives

“Younger Elders” with Responsibilities for Elderly Parents

Case Study #1: Wanda and Amelia

Case Study #2: Orit, Aryeh, and Donna Sue

Remi’s Story

No “one right answer” for caring for elderly parents

Case Study #3: Keiko, Rich, and Frank

Case Study #4: Robbie

Strategies and Planning for Successful Caregiving

Chapter 16: Additional Advantages for Poly Elders through Caregiving, Grief and Mourning

Kate, Gustav, and Phillip’s Story

Chapter 17: Twenty-First Century Pandemics and Poly Elders: Lessons from the Age of COVID

How are Poly Elders Coping in the Age of COVID-19?

Case Study #1: Lindsey, Jose, and Maris

The Impact of Isolation and Loneliness on Poly Elders Due to COVID

Case Study #2: Myrna

Case Study #3: Mary Jo, Emile, and Hallie

Case Study #4: Joan, Juan, and June

Marlene and Mary’s Story

Case Study #5: Kimberly, Frank, and Iris

Anita’s Story

Case Study #6: Amy Ann, Zekia, and Shelley

Internet Dating in the Midst of a Pandemic

Blythe’s Story

Sumati Sparks’ Pandemic Dating Advice

Case Study #7: Rosalinda, Xavier, and Gemina

Internet Dating May Morph into Dating IRL (In Real Life)

Case Study #8: Moira, Guillermo, and Lee

Chapter 18: Poly Mutual Aid: Elders’ Polycules Come Through for Them During the Pandemic

Rashida’s story

Case Study #1: Lucille, Duncan, and Kara

Poly Elders Find Stronger Support from their Polycules

Case Study #2: Lei

Case Study #3: Sarah, Rashi, and Harlan

Poly Elders’ Experience with Grief and Loss During the Pandemic

Liliana’s Story

Parting Words on the COVID Pandemic and Poly Elders

Part V: Polyamory and the Developmental Tasks of Aging

Chapter 19: What Are the Developmental Tasks for Poly Elders?

Case Study #1: Hans and Meg

Chapter 20: Poly Geezers Creating a New Life “Post-Career and Post-Kids”

Case Study #1: Shereen, Ranil, and Denise

Chapter 21: Life Review as a Developmental Task for Poly Geezers

Case Study #1: Marcus, Gwen, and Lola

Coles’ Story

Case Study #2: Debbie

Chapter 22: Poly Elders Accepting the Deaths of Loved Ones, and Their Own Mortality

Case Study #1: Geri, Frank, and Angela

Case Study #2: Alonzo

Case Study #3: Deonte, Linden, Lon, and John

Case Study #4: Louise and Natalie

Poly Elders’ Unique Experience of the Developmental Tasks of Aging

Chapter 23: Legal and Financial Issues for Poly Elders: Estate Planning, Advance Directives, and Other Strategies to Protect Poly Families

Advance Health Care Directives

Durable Power of Attorney

Wills

Estate Planning Advice from Poly-Friendly Attorneys

Divorce or the Demise of a Poly Relationship

Strategies to Mitigate the High Cost of Care

Marta’s Story

Poly Elders Need to Talk About “The Three D’s”—Disability, Death, and Divorce

Chapter 24: A Few Parting Words and Directions for Further Study

Appendix I: List of Books on Consensual Nonmonogamy, Open Relationships, and Polyamory

(Compiled by Sonia Song)

References

Index

About the Author