Walking A Tightrope: How the Disease of Addiction Affects Everything!!! (eBook)

Introduction

This is not a publication for the faint of heart! I swear, I drink lots of coffee, I absolutely love hard rock music and according to my wife am a sexual deviant (still working on this one). And I even know how to play the “Devils” chord and have been known to whip it out on occasion just to see if the hair stands up on the back of your neck. I just celebrated my thirtieth sobriety birthday and in reflection, it is extremely hard to digest that a sick and twisted individual such as my self is actually clean and sober. Who’d a thunk it?

This book serves multiple purposes. First and foremost, it allows me to review the events, defeats and celebrations of my life as both a serious dirtbag and a recovering person. A form of comical Fourth Step if you would. The names and places may have been changed (but typically not), to protect both the guilty and the innocent. Borderline personality disorder is one of the many underlying themes of this compilation. Second, it is meant to hopefully be an inspiration to someone out there who is struggling in an attempt to find their way. I spent 17 years actively using (more if you count the drinks I took while my parents were partying in the 60s and 70s), 15 of those years in full blown addiction. About 13 of those 15 years a small voice within told me that I was in serious fricking trouble but I never allowed myself enough time to come down so I could actually be able to see or hear it. Third, it is meant to be not only a serious representation of what addiction can look like but also a comedy of sorts. If you are regularly exposed to the dialogue of recovering folks, you will find some seriously funny shit embedded in the stories, tales and possible exaggerations that make up most addict’s lives. And last, on the outside chance that this book peaks the Recovery community’s interest enough to actually turn a profit after publishing, I will be able to provide some financial support for the continued operation of Phoenix House, the facility where I went to treatment in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Pete H, I will buy you a cup of coffee and we will go fishing.

My truth! Over the past 60 years I have experienced things that I am sure many people have been through. I have also experienced a plethora of experiences that while like many people’s experiences, are somewhat unique in the way that they have unfolded and transpired. I want to make it extremely clear at the onset of this rough and tumble guide that what is contained herein, has been molded and shaped into what I identify as my truth. What you are going to read, experience and hopefully see as an epiphany is not your truth. Your truth is yours and yours only, I cannot tell you or anybody else what their purpose or meaning is. Hopefully, through being as honest as I can be, sharing what happened to me and what I believe to be a relatively concise path to getting clean and sober, you can find yours. I do not lay claim to all the answers.

Particularly to the medical community and your allies, medically assisted recovery methods may be the way to go for the hundreds of thousands of people who have been affected by the opioid crises and the invention of synthetic opioids. I personally do not agree. It is a part of my truth that we must face the pain; physical, spiritual and mental that comes with chemical free living if we want to get better. Popular or not, I believe this must be a part of the path and the journey and it, to this day, pains my heart to see my addicted brothers and sisters die at the hand of chemicals. I wish there was another way but I don’t see it. My biggest hope is that what I have written helps someone to kick, stay clean and deal with the life that we have been so graciously afforded. If medically managing the disease is a part of this for you, then please, also work for the maturity to be an adult and then be the miracle.

My history is just like anybody else’s that finds themselves sitting in one of those damn church basement chairs. Sitting there talking about the meat and potatoes crap in their life while trying to make some sense of the menagerie. Am I different? I suppose in some quirky obtuse ways I probably am, but from the dope fiend perspective, I am just like you (well if you’re reading this then you are either really screwed up or you have an incredibly morbid sense of humor, I just happen to be both).

I have seen and done things that still make me shudder to this day. Blackout using was pretty much the norm for an extended portion of my using career and I am still waiting for the pictures to surface. You know, those pictures of some heinous felony that I committed while in a chemically induced stupor. I continually thank my Higher Power for the statute of limitations and the forgiveness that I have been so graciously afforded. I hear people at meetings talking about losing their cars or forgetting where they spent their money, for me, 1981 to 1987 is a blur. I have tried innumerable times to reconstruct where I was, who I was with and what happened, ironically, the story always seems to take a slightly different shape every time I go through it. If you read this and you were a part of that story, I whole heartedly own my obnoxious behavior, I was truly insane and was quite a dick! I only hope that someday I may be able to make face to face amends. There are still a ton of them hanging out there that due to the ninth step, I have been unable to make in person. The 12-step ideology works in mysterious ways at times.

I have had many people ask me over the years, “How in the hell have you stayed clean and sober for XXX number of years, days or decades. The politically correct answer is that I have found a Higher Power in the 12 Steps. The meat and potatoes answer is that I have awkwardly, begrudgingly, filled with fear, anxiety, prejudice, bias, loathing, deviance and a variety of other defect-based beliefs, managed to continue to attend meetings, call my sponsor, work with others (regardless of the fact that few, if any, have stayed cleaned). And I regularly pray to a Higher Power that is some sort of amorphous entity that I have quit trying to define. This however is only a part of the “f****** magic” that I have found in the rooms. There is very little, if any, original thought contained in this potential Roadmap to Recovery. What you will find in these pages is a conglomeration of assumed to be true facts, opinions, perspectives, and nuggets of wisdom that have been graciously afforded to me. These are active miracles if you don’t believe in such things. The biggest miracle is that I can remember any of it; the human capacity for chemicals constantly amazes and baffles me but my own personal capacity and affinity for hallucinogens absolutely defies any sort of logic or reason. When I was a kid in the 60s and 70s, LSD was labeled as a source of brain damage, flashbacks, genetic deterioration, and mutation. It’s astonishing that both my kids are borderline genius. With that in mind, I should be a quivering pile of flesh locked away in some institution or government laboratory somewhere. Go figure!

This book is dedicated to anyone who has decided that they don’t want to die alone. I thank all of you who have been a part of the journey, especially those who have played a pivotal role in the continuation of the miracle: my wife, my kids and my fellows in the program, both those living and those who have proceeded me. And especially those who have died in the trenches. It probably sounds morbid, but it is the addict who still suffers, or has died as a direct result of this disease, that has allowed me the luxury of going to another meeting, to make another phone call or to do another open talk. This allows me to divert to a state of sanity again.

I would also like to add that having a sense of humor has been pivotal to me in my ongoing journey. Without the occasional uncontrollable belly laugh here and there, I surely would have decided that this is too much and let my twisted little brain take over. Here is an example, I wrote these for an open talk that I did when I was relatively new in the game. They are all actual examples of my history, both in and out of recovery.

You May Be an Alcoholic/Drug Addict if:

1. If the local law enforcement officers in your hometown refer to you as “Otis”.
2. If your idea of working out involves some kind of 12-ounce curls.
3. If your last vacation was to…. I don’t remember.
4. If the credit card company skips the application, simply informing you of the fact that you can’t have one of their cards (yes, this actually happened).
5. If, when you are done blowing snow, you could park several semis in your yard.
6. If your financial portfolio consists of a roll of quarters, a bag of empties and a get out of jail free card (the monopoly kind).
7. If you put more than two of your attorney’s kids through college.
8. If a night out on the town lasted from 1982-1985.
9. If you have ever forgotten to eat for more than two days in a row.
10. If when the local law enforcement agency runs a background check, the computer printout exceeds 12 pages.
11. If when the local law enforcement agency runs a background check, the officer in charge glares at you from the printout approximately every 10 minutes to quiz you on your height, weight, eye color and if “you’ve ever been to Texas”.
12. If your history of nicknames includes: Killer, Mister Twister, Yank, Dog, Mr. Clean, Cupcake or Mental Man.
13. If you...