Feminine Appeal (Redesign) (eBook)

The noontime mail delivery at my office always caused quite a stir. Seven women would comb the hundreds of envelopes we received until the “prize” was found—my daily letter from C. J. As the only single woman, my long-distance courtship was of great interest to the other six women. I was living in Florida, and C. J. was in Washington, D.C.; so in those days prior to e-mail and cell phones, our relationship was conducted through the U.S. mail.

These women enjoyed the vicarious excitement of our romance, but a knowing laughter would erupt when they talked about the future. “Just wait,” they would tell me. “He’s ‘Mr. Wonderful’ now, but that will all change when you get married.”

I would always protest that cynical view, but for the ten months of our courtship and engagement, my coworkers never wavered. They unanimously agreed that the fairy tale would end shortly after our honeymoon.

It’s sad, but all too often it’s true.

We frequently observe women during courtship and maybe even into the first year of marriage who appear to be “madly in love.” However, when we interact with these same women several years later, the passion and delight seem strangely absent. Their husbands are no longer “Mr. Wonderful.” What happened? Why is there no longer any thrill and excitement? Is this inevitable?

No, it’s not meant to be that way! God never intended for wives to abandon their passion and delight for their husbands. In fact, He has in mind quite the opposite. Echoing through the corridors of time come the inspired words from Titus 2:4: “So train the young women to love their husbands.”

WHAT IS LOVE?

In the Broadway musical Fiddler on the Roof, the main character, Tevye, asks his wife, Golde, “Do you love me?”

In response she reminds him that for twenty-five years she’s washed his clothes, cooked his meals, cleaned his house, given him children, and milked his cow. She continues: “For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him, fought with him, starved with him; twenty-five years my bed is his; if that’s not love, what is?”1 (emphasis mine).

That’s a good question! What is love? More importantly, what does it mean in Titus 2 when it says we are to love our husbands? The definition ­couldn’t be more different from Golde’s.

The form of Greek in which the New Testament was written employs at least five words to distinguish various kinds of love. The word for love used in Titus 2:4 is phileo. This word describes the love between very close friends. It is a tender, affectionate, passionate kind of love. It emphasizes enjoyment and respect in a relationship.

LAST TUESDAY

Sad to say, I have been guilty of neglecting this phileo kind of love on numerous occasions. I often become so preoccupied with the duties and responsibilities of my marriage that I fail to nurture tenderness and passion in my relationship with my husband. I get so busy serving him that I overlook enjoying him. For an example, I need only to recall the events of this past Tuesday.

By the time my family stirred from their beds that morning, I had already been awake for several hours. Guests were arriving from out of town for the day, and I was busy cleaning the house. Absorbed in my preparations, I gave C. J. a brief but distracted kiss as he left for work. When he called several hours later to inquire how I was doing, I kept my answers short. Many tasks still needed my attention, and I certainly ­didn’t have time to ask how his day was going.

After our guests arrived, I took them to lunch. In between driving them around town, I managed to drop C. J.’s pants off at the cleaners, make a deposit at the bank, and fill up the car with gas. I did stop by C. J.’s office, but only to rush in to inform him of my schedule for the remainder of the afternoon. I left so quickly that he barely had time to give me a hug.

I finally returned home from taking our guests to the airport around eight o’clock that evening. After chatting with my children about the events of their day, I headed for bed.

It was some time later before I realized that I had once again failed to love my husband with a tender and passionate love. I had been remiss in expressing physical affection. I had ignored opportunities to communicate care and encouragement. I certainly was not enjoying my husband; I was too busy serving him.

PHILEO VERSUS AGAPE

In light of my tendency to neglect this tender love, I find it interesting that Paul chose phileo rather than agape to describe the kind of love we are to have for our husbands.

The Greek word agape refers to a self-sacrificing love. It’s a love that gives to others even if nothing is given back. It’s the love we are urged to pursue in the great love passage of 1 Corinthians 13, so often read at weddings.

Yet Paul ­didn’t use agape in describing the love we are to cultivate for our husbands. He chose phileo. In fact, in commands specifically related to wives, agape is never used. Now this does not mean we have been released from needing to extend this kind of love. The second greatest commandment requires each of us to love our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12:31). Since our husbands are our closest neighbors, we can be sure that we are to love them with a sacrificial love.

Husbands, in contrast, are specifically commanded to love their wives with an agape kind of love. We see this in Ephesians 5:25, where husbands are told to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

I believe that Scripture’s specific commands to husbands and wives regarding their duties in marriage attest to our respective weaknesses. Men may be weaker in showing sacrificial love and are therefore exhorted to undertake it. But I believe women are generally weaker in exhibiting an affectionate love—thus the instructions given to us in Titus 2.

In fact, women will often continue to sacrifice and serve their husbands even if all tender feelings for them have subsided. Author Douglas Wilson makes this observation: “Women are fully capable of loving a man, and sacrificing for him, while believing the entire time that he is a true and unvarnished jerk. Women are good at this kind of love.”2

I have met women like that! They obviously do not respect their husbands. They certainly do not have tender feelings for them. Yet that does not hinder these women from continuing to wash their husbands’ clothes, cook their meals, and clean the house for them.

However, Scripture’s mandate to love our husbands involves far more than merely doing household chores. We are required to love them with nothing less than a passionate, tender, affectionate kind of love.

NO CONTINGENCY CLAUSE

When my husband and I purchased our home, the contract we signed contained a contingency clause. This carefully worded paragraph ensured our release from the conditions of the contract if we were unable to sell our previous home within a set period of time.

However, this command to phileo does not include a contingency clause. This verse does not say, “Have the older women teach the young women how to love their husbands—if they have godly character or if they are deserving of this kind of love or if they change.” We are to love our husbands with a tender, affectionate love regardless of their response. There are no qualifications added to this command. It’s an unconditional love.

Maybe there is someone reading this who is asking: “What if I no longer have feelings for my husband? What if I have fallen in love with someone else? Do I have to stay in this marriage if I am not in love anymore?”

If your love for your husband has faded, the question is not: “Should I stay in this marriage?” According to God’s Word, the question you should be asking is: “How can I, as a wife, bring honor to the gospel?”

And I think we know the answer: We must love our husbands. As we learned in chapter 1, this kind of love commends the gospel. If we no longer have tender feelings for our husbands, we must seek God’s help to learn how to love them again. First John 4:19 says that we can love our husbands because God first loved us. As we submit to God’s command, He will show us how to love, and He will make it possible.

THE LORD OF LOVE

Sally’s husband has been looking at pornography on the Internet, again. Mary’s husband has ceased to show her any physical affection. Christine’s husband works long hours and spends most of his free time in front of the television or playing computer games. Anne’s husband is not a Christian and has been antagonistic toward her church and Christian friends.

I know all these women. These are not their real names, but their circumstances are very real—and break my heart. I ache for them and the trials they endure. Their seemingly senseless situations pose the question: “How can...