8s

Vulnerability Is Not Weakness

Melissa called and asked if we could talk about a problem at work, so I suspected it was in regard to her relationship with a colleague at her new job. The head of recruiting at a high-tech startup, Melissa is smart, creative, and very successful. She’s a good leader, but like other Eights she often struggles in relationships with her coworkers. Eights function best when they can choose who they work with, but Melissa inherited her staff when she joined the company. From earlier conversations, I knew that she would not have chosen Emily.

Melissa had previously told me how tired she was of hearing Emily whine about the database system. “Instead of whining, why can’t she just learn it!” Melissa usually worked fifty-five hours a week and was angry that Emily struggled to work forty, often missing work-related events for her aging mother’s doctor appointments, her granddaughter’s ballet recitals, and other personal conflicts.

When I answered the call from Melissa, she was already operating at an increased volume, as is typical for Eights. Like other Eights, who seldom have time for or any interest in small talk, she jumped right in. “It’s about Emily. We just completed her six-month performance review. I started by asking her if she had anything she wanted to talk about before we discussed her evaluation. I thought that was such a great way to start—you know, kind of personal.”

But Melissa was not prepared for what she heard next. With a shaky voice, Emily said, “I don’t think you respect me. You are always so impatient and demanding. Sometimes I even feel bullied by you. Other people I have talked to said they have felt that too.”

I could tell by her tone that Melissa was still angry, but I also knew she was hurt. I asked how she responded to Emily.

“Well,” she said, “I paused and then asked some questions.”

“What kind of questions?”

“I wanted her to give me objective proof for her feelings, so I asked her what happened to make her feel that way. I told her I had been very honest with her about my expectations and her responsibilities. I tried to explain to her that our department is very important to this phase of building the business and that we have a responsibility to recruit the right people for crucial positions or the company will fail.”

There was a long pause, and then Melissa asked me very sincerely, “Suzanne, why can’t people just do their jobs?”

What’s Going on Here?

Which person in this story do you identify with most? Why?

Is Melissa a bully? Why or why not?

What does Emily really want from Melissa?

How can the Enneagram explain what’s happening here?

Through the lens of the Enneagram, this story is about so much more than an aggressive boss and an intimidated or ineffective employee. It’s about two people who see the job and their working relationship—and the world—from completely different perspectives. Melissa is an Eight. Emily is not. Melissa thought she was encouraging Emily to fulfill her professional responsibilities, so she was blindsided by Emily’s emotional outburst. Although they managed to finish the performance review, Melissa shared with me that she had no confidence that things would change. Eventually, Emily asked to be transferred.

Most Enneagram numbers broker peace with others as they go through the day—bridging emotional distance with a quick exchange, observation, or compliment before each going their own way. Unfortunately, Eights don’t feel the obligation that prompts this kind of relational cleanup, so they usually move on to the next thing. It can feel like Eights don’t care about us, but the fact is they simply aren’t thinking about us—they are thinking about what needs to be done next.

In this story about Melissa and Emily, like so many stories that make up our days, we know what happened but we don’t know why. The Enneagram helps us understand the dynamics, motivations, and experiences of all nine numbers and their interactions and relationships with one another.

The World of Eights

An Eight’s first response to anything is “What am I going to do?” This can be tricky in relationships because many other people initially ask, “What do I think?” or “What do I feel ?” Eights tend to get along very well with Threes and Sevens, who are also all about doing. These three numbers struggle with others who seem to be burdened by feelings or slow to respond because they think too long before they act.

In the context of relationships, doing as a first response often seems aggressive to other Enneagram numbers who are more oriented toward thinking or feeling. So Eights need to stop long enough to consider that for some, thinking must come before acting, and for others, feelings determine what action will be taken and when. This isn’t just a matter of preference—it has to do with how we see. For example, Fives and Sixes think it’s outrageous and irresponsible to take such quick action since they are so sure people need to evaluate multiple options and outcomes first.

But any kind of pause is difficult for Eights since they want to have control over what’s happening inside of them and in the world. Sometimes Eights act too quickly, leaving no room for other perspectives or to allow others to offer what they have to give. Even so, people still look to Eights to make decisions and lead, expecting them to slow their pace, explain the plan, and ask for suggestions. With a focus on doing, none of that would occur to an Eight. Todd Dugas, an Eight who serves as the executive director of a recovery center, explains it this way:

I used to feel resentment toward my staff because they were not doing their part. And then when I thought about it, I realized I never trained them or told them what I really wanted. I just gave them the basics and expected that they would expand on that somehow. Maybe that’s because sitting down, interacting with them, and really having a conversation was a struggle. I also struggled with other staff members who were just barely doing their job. I used to get rid of those people all the time.

Eights need to pay attention when they move so quickly in a relationship that others can’t keep up. Others will often go along, but it’s likely because they don’t feel like they have a choice. And this often results in resentment.

One Eight said: “The biggest misunderstandings we have at home are centered around times when I have expectations of others that I haven’t clearly articulated. When they are not operating at the same speed or intensity as I am, I get really frustrated, really fast. Explaining what we are doing and why can be burdensome. But at times I need to include the others in my family plan.” The truth is, when Eights choose inclusion it requires very little time and the payoff is significant: it alleviates misunderstanding and creates significant connections.

Vulnerability and self-protection. Eights avoid vulnerability to protect themselves emotionally. As children, others made comments about them such as, “She’s so bossy” or “He doesn’t listen to anybody.” As adults, they are often labeled as aggressive, so others frequently adopt a defensive stance in relationships with them, feeling a need to protect themselves in some way. The irony is that Eights also feel the need to protect themselves, but they do it by avoiding helplessness, weakness, and subordination.

In her now-famous TED talk on the subject of vulnerability, Brené Brown, a leading researcher and writer, said, “Vulnerability is the idea that in order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen—really seen.” Eights want to feel connected to those who are close to them as much as any other number. But they have a big problem: one of the very few things they are afraid of is being exposed in moments of weakness, limitation, or indecision. If Brown is right and connection depends on our ability to be vulnerable, and being vulnerable suggests we are willing to be seen, then that relational motivation is key. I think Eights feel as exposed as the rest of us do at times. They just express it differently.

An Eight who is married and the mother of four explained her vulnerability in her family relationships:

I will want to trust you with everything even though that is hard for me. I will be in your corner all the time. I will fight for you more than I will fight with you. I will surprise you with my mushy tears and maybe even eventually I won’t try to cover them up. I will feel angry at you when you are being angry at me, and I’ll have to work really hard to find the feelings underneath that. I will love you beyond reason and that might scare me in the beginning.

Although Eights can be vulnerable in close relationships, they always struggle with their discomfort of expressing softer feelings.

Despite their best efforts to protect themselves, Eights, like all of us, have experiences in life that they are not ­prepared for. In those times, when they feel emotionally ­exposed, Eights allow us to see them. If only briefly, we are given an opportunity to know them...