HOW TO BEAN OTHER WOMANMeet in expensive beige raincoats, on a pea-soupy night. Like a detective movie. First, stand in front of Florsheim's Fifty-seventh Street window, press your face close to the glass, watch the fake velvet Hummels inside revolving around the wing tips, some white shoes, like your father wears, are propped up with garlands on a small mound of chemical snow. All the stores have closed. You can see your breath on the glass. Draw a peace sign. You are waiting for a bus.He emerges from nowhere, looks like Robert Culp, the fog rolling, then parting, then sort of closing up again behind him. He asks you for a light and you jump a bit, startled, but you give him your 'Lucky's Lounge--Where Leisure Is a Suit' matches. He has a nice chuckle, nice fingernails. He lights the cigarette, cupping his hands around the end, and drags deeply, like a starving man. He smiles as he exhales, returns you the matches, looks at your face, says: 'Thanks.'He then stands not far from you, waiting. Perhaps for the same bus. The two of you glance furtively at each other, shifting feet. Pretend to contemplate the chemical snow. You are two spies glancing quickly at watches, necks disappearing in the hunch of your shoulders, collars upturned and slowly razoring the cab and store-lit fog like sharkfins. You begin to circle, gauging each other in primordial sniffs, eyeing, sidling, keen as Basil Rathbone.A bus arrives. It is crowded, everyone looking laughlessly into one another's underarms. A blonde woman in barrettes steps off, holding her shoes in one hand.You climb on together, grab adjacent chrome posts, and when the bus hisses and rumbles forward, you take out a book. A minute goes by and he asks what you're reading. It is Madame Bovary in a Doris Day biography jacket. Try to explain about binding warpage. He smiles, interested.Return to your book. Emma is opening her window, thinking of Rouen.'What weather,' you hear him sigh, faintly British or uppercrust Delaware.Glance up. Say: 'It is fit for neither beast nor vegetable.'It sounds dumb. It makes no sense.But it is how you meet.At the movies he is tender, caressing your hand beneath the seat.At concerts he is sweet and attentive, buying cocktails, locating the ladies' lounge when you can't find it.At museums he is wise and loving, leading you slowly through the Etruscan cinerary urns with affectionate gestures and an art history minor from Columbia. He is kind, he laughs at your jokes.After four movies, three concerts, and two-and-a-half museums, you sleep with him. It seems the right number of cultural events. On the stereo you play your favorite harp and oboe music. He tells you his wife's name. It is Patricia. She is an intellectual property lawyer. He tells you he likes you a lot. You lie on your stomach, naked and still too warm. When he says, 'How do you feel about that?' don't say 'Ridiculous' or 'Get the hell out of my apartment.' Prop your head up with one hand and say: 'It depends. What is intellectual property law?'He grins. 'Oh, you know. Where leisure is a suit.'Give him a tight, wiry little smile.'I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable about this,' he says.Say: 'Hey. I am a very cool person. I am tough.' Show him your bicep.When you were six you thought mistress meant to put your shoes on the wrong feet. Now you are older and know it can mean many things, but essentially it means to put your shoes on the wrong feet.You walk differently. In store windows you don't recognize yourself, you are another woman, some crazy interior display lady in glasses stumbling frantic and preoccupied through the mannequins. In public restrooms you sit dangerously flat against the toilet seat, a strange flesh sundae of despair...