Revelations of the Divorced (eBook)

I Compromised More than I Ought to

Mostafa: Fifty Years Old, Male, Egyptian

We met in a large gathering during the celebration of a common friend’s birthday at a coastal city in Egypt during summertime. I was busy talking to one of my friends when I heard a voice that pushed me to turn around. And there she was: a pretty young lady in her early twenties, engrossed in a separate conversation with other friends. Even though she was conservatively dressed for my taste, I felt like I wanted to get to know her. I switched the conversation to the side she was sitting at and found her to be an interesting character. Somehow, deep down, I knew she was going to be the one.

When the celebratory gathering came to an end, I asked her if we could continue our conversation in another coffee shop, and she agreed. We kept talking on that day for hours, and by the end of our meeting, I was sure we were bound to be together. Despite coming across as a bit strict in certain areas, I respected her stand and found that we shared a lot of similar views on many other topics, which made me comfortable. The challenge was that she was preparing to get her visa for a two-month trip with her friends during that summer and I was due to travel for an international assignment with my company for a couple of years right after my break. Our chances to initiate a relationship was close to none, yet fate had a different plan.

The day following our first meeting, her friend—who I knew well—phoned to ask if both of them could carpool their return to Cairo with me. I willingly accepted, as it was another good chance to have quality conversation with my to-be wife on our way back. As I dropped them off, we exchanged phone numbers so I could check on how her visa meeting went. A few days later she texted to say that her application got unexpectedly declined even though she submitted all the required documents. Something was indeed in store for us. In the ensuing month, we met several times but always in the company of common friends, as she opposed meeting me on our own. The more we talked, the more I found her to be a nice character and the more I wanted to know her on a deeper level. To honor her principles, getting engaged was the only way possible to achieve that. We talked to her mother who encouraged us to wait for a few months until we were sure of our feelings before making the relationship official. In informing our families, our relationship became serious. Six months later, we got engaged. I was thirty years old at the time and she was almost seven years younger.

As the date of my international assignment approached, we agreed to postpone preparing a house in Egypt, especially since we were going to spend the first couple of years abroad anyway. Our relationship seemed to be progressing smoothly. With our engagement, we were at liberty to be on our own and we used that time to frequently go out, until my travel time was due. While away, we kept our communication alive in different ways—phone calls, emails, etc. And with the closeness of the country I was seconded to, I visited Egypt at least once per month. Logistically, everything was working in our favor.

Yet despite the outward smoothness of our relationship, there were certain signs that I initially found weird at the time but chose to turn a blind eye to and willingly fabricated a logic behind their occurrence. She was temperamental and quick to initiate fights. Even though she knew my social network was wide and mixed, her jealousy was extreme. Once engaged, she asked me to delete all my female contacts, including those who were really close to me. I remember one day she saw me talking to a female friend and started our first huge fight where she asked for a breakup. Every time a conflict erupted since we got together, I was quick to defuse the tension. This fight was no different, and I owed her overreaction to my previous history of dating a lot of girls. But she was also hypercritical; constantly objecting to wherever we were going, either alone or with friends, and this resulted in occasional unnecessary fights between us, which I was quick to defuse as well. With the limited time I had during my short visits to Egypt, I wanted to spend good time with her, so I tried to see things from her viewpoint and eventually did things her way, hoping that her quarrelsome attitude would subdue after marriage. In hindsight, I believe that I have compromised on that matter more than I ought to.

Our wedding party was scheduled a few months after our engagement. The preceding evening was when our second major fight broke. I do not really recall what instigated it, but I do remember that it was the first time I saw her reactions unreasonably aggressive and out of control. Luckily, I was able to contain the matter, and we finally got married the next day in a grand and joyful party. Contrary to my wishes, our conflicts did not end with the start of our marriage; they only got worse.

The honeymoon was meticulously planned. Our ups were remarkable, but we also witnessed several fights that broke for different reasons, usually because she wanted things to be done in a certain way. For the first couple of days, she complained that I was very tough on her during our intimate relationship. Looking back, I believe I did everything possible to put her at ease, but she was very panicky and made a big deal out of it. Our intimacy proved to be a sticky point between us throughout our marriage. While I thought we were pleasing each other, she admitted much later into our relationship that she was not always satisfied and used to bring me down on that front. She even asked that we consult a doctor, which I did to please her, despite knowing from previous relationships that I never had an issue in satisfying my partners, and the multiple doctors we consulted confirmed exactly that. What added insult to injury was that she used to share her dissatisfaction with her family, which I found to be totally unacceptable, especially that it was an outright false accusation to my manhood. In hindsight, I believe she was not really in love with me and this unconsciously blocked her from being satisfied during our sexual encounters. We returned from the honeymoon to our house in the country I was seconded to, and this was when the signs I previously turned a blind eye to hit me right in the face.

Being in a foreign country on our own forced us to get close and behave like a cohesive unit. Had we spent those first two years in Egypt, I do not think this marriage would have survived. We used our time in that country to share some mutual activities, like watching movies, eating out, and traveling around. But the more we spent time together, the more her character contradictions baffled me. On one hand, she was a real charm and people would initially fall for her but that was only when she wanted to. She was also a perfect housewife, a great cook, very clean and organized with an impeccable taste in what to put into the house. But on the other hand, she was almost impossible to please and this used to upset me. No day passed without her moving furniture around, which I found really weird. She had reservations on all of my social circle, claiming they are beneath her standards, which was the furthest from the truth. She used to decline accompanying me to several business gatherings, which put me in awkward situations with my superiors. Not working at the time, she was always grumpy and unwilling to initiate any activity that would please her. As an expat, money was in abundance and I willingly spent a lot so that both of us could share an opulent life, which—to my dismay—was not reciprocated with an appreciation from her side.

Throughout those two years, the frequency of the fights she initiated out of trivialities, and which I continued to defuse, was on the rise and became more aggressive in nature. Talking her into the matter during our peaceful moments was futile. She always absolved herself of any wrongdoing and blamed me for her hostile attitude. If a fight broke while in the car, it was customary for her to just step out and leave even if it was in the middle of nowhere. I remember several incidents when I had to run after her in unknown streets to bring her back and drive home. Her temperament started to get out of control, and she began to hit me and insult my manhood using obscene words during some of our fights. Taken aback by her unexpected aggression, I had to slap her a couple of times, until I realized that it was an inappropriate reaction irrespective of how she acted. At the end of the second year, and despite the rocky times we were passing through, she expressed her desire to have a baby so she could fill up her time. I indicated my reservation, explaining that it was a bit too early for such a major responsibility and that we still needed more time to get used to each other. However, she insisted and I relented.

In one of her regular visits to Egypt following a major fight, she phoned to say that she was pregnant, expressed her desire for a divorce, and gave me the option of an abortion as a way out of her pregnancy, which I vehemently rejected. Despite our unstable relationship, I still believed we stood a chance together. Yes, her aggressive attitude always left me wondering what could possibly be the trigger behind it, but I loved her. I am also not a quitter by nature, so I was always looking for ways to try and please her and was willing to keep on trying. In short, divorce was not an option for me at the time. I asked her to return and discuss whatever issues we were having. She gave in to my pleas, returned to our country of residence, and insisted on giving birth there so I...