Village Wisdom (eBook)

Hopes

As a father, what are your greatest hopes
and fears for your children?

Casey

When it comes to fatherhood, one can only imagine the hopes and fears we have for our children. We have visions of how things will be, how things will go, and how we’ll handle situations as we arise as bachelors. However, the intensity of those thoughts and emotions manifest in an instant when your partner shows you that positive pregnancy test! After the excitement subdues, reality sets in.

The fears hit first.

The first fear is that of a healthy baby and healthy delivery for baby and momma when that time comes. My wife and I were two for three on baby making; our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage early on. This was one of the most difficult situations I had experienced in my life. My first kiddo, the dreams I had of becoming a father, the made up stories of all my kiddo’s successes and achievements in my head, all ripped away.

The pain. The tears. The anger. I felt as if I was defective; that my DNA was not good enough to pass on. Or that it was a sign that I would not be a good father. Having these thoughts and emotions made it difficult to console my wife. I detached because it hurt that bad.

After some time, we both decided it was time to try again. When the test was positive, the fear of reliving another miscarriage never left my mind until I held my firstborn in my arms. It was a girl, and she was healthy. Two years later, we welcomed our second; another healthy girl (after 4 hours in the NICU).

The fears changed from healthy baby/delivery to doing enough and being a good father. That fear remained strong in the back of my mind. Do my kids know how much I love them? Am I being a great father? Am I doing enough to foster a positive relationship so they both can turn to me in the future? Will they come to me in times of need? Will they love me? Those types of thoughts were plentiful. However, those are more internal.

I fear for both my children’s well-being as they grow older. My wife is mixed (half white, half African American), making my kiddos mixed. Will they be treated equally? Will they be given chances, or not, because of this? Will they be discriminated against? Will they be the target of hate? Deep down, at this point, I think this is one of my biggest fears. The world is a crazy place, and not always the nicest. Racial tensions are real. The other fear that parallels this one is outliving either one of my girls!

Though fears are real, and some hold more weight than others, I cannot allow those to hinder my ability to be a father. As a father, I have an obligation (I say obligation because I, along with my wife, made that choice to bring these kiddos into this world) to model for and teach my kiddos, all while loving them unconditionally. Every opportunity, positive or not, is a teaching moment for my children.

I do not attempt to instill my own beliefs (within reason) on my girls; I want them to be able to grow up and make their own decisions. I hope that I guide them in a way where they do not follow the masses; that they follow their own path. I hope they follow whatever dream they have, and achieve it while knowing their mother and I will be in their corner cheering them on and supporting them in whatever way we can.

I hope my children measure their success in terms of happiness, as opposed to money. I hope that by creating their own path and following their own dream, they will not fall victim to measuring success by what society says and forces down our throats daily (looks/appearance, money, material things, etc.).

If marriage is in either one’s future, I hope they find a partner that loves them unconditionally and is loyal to them. No one will love them as much as I do, but I want that effort closely matched. If children are in either one’s future, I hope for healthy babies and healthy delivery.

I hope that when my children grow old, and I am long gone, they will look back at their lives and be PROUD. That they lived life without regret. That they took those chances they were unsure about. That they went against the grain when others did not. That they made the decisions they truly believed in because it was right. That they followed their own path. That they knew daddy was also there for them, regardless.

That they look back and can say without a doubt or hesitation, “My daddy loved me.”

Stephen

My hope is that my kids lead a “felt” life, an examined life. Socrates (supposedly) said “an unexamined life is not worth living”, and I think that is more true now than ever. The introspectiveness that was more present years ago has been replaced by the ideal lifestyle (thanks to Instagram, etc), so young people don’t seem to have the freedom to be realistic with themselves and decide what they truly like, what they want to do, and how they want to do it. I find myself talking with my kids all the time about “being in this moment” and just being present (as corny as that sounds). Taking the time to feel each moment makes you more thankful for all those moments put together, and builds out a life you can be proud of (because you’ve stopped to think/feel along the way). My hope is that my kids have a built in sense of experiencing their lives, one moment at a time, and finding the good, bad, and ugly about themselves - with the intent to use that to push on to a better life.

I also hope that they have a lifelong desire to learn. I think it’s so incredibly important to always be thinking about new things you can learn, and developing excitement about finding out new things. This ties into the “felt” life, but there’s so much to learn about the world we live in (people, places, things) that the more you can experience, in-person and from written/spoken words, leads to more chances to see your own reflection in the metaphorical mirror. If my kids have that lifelong desire for learning, there isn’t anything they can’t do or figure out - which can open tons of doors in all directions of their life.

My main fear is that my kids can’t find meaning in their lives. That doesn’t mean being rich and famous, but that does mean making meaningful connections with other people and finding ways to appreciate the good and bad about each day. The Greek general & politician Pericles said: “what you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” I want that to be true of my kids - that they are able to find meaning in the people and events that unfold around them and step up to take an active role in their lives. What they find meaningful will almost certainly be different than what I think, but I am afraid that they won’t be able to find their passion and drive due to social pressures to work until they die, or fit into certain groups that can take away from who they really want to be and do.

John

I hope my kids are successful. How they determine or qualify that metric, and how they achieve it, is entirely up to them. I just hope I’m around to see it. Their journey in reaching who they become is the most anticipated storyline of my life.

My expectation and desire is that in whatever they end up becoming, they’re happy and fulfilled with it, and live a fully comprehensive life doing what they love. I hope they struggle (not too much, obviously) and the path they take has mountains and valleys, highs and lows. I want them to earn everything that comes their way and never take a single moment for granted. I want them to appreciate every ounce of their being and never forget who they are, where they came from, who helped shape them and who they are becoming.

As for fears, aside from a clean bill of health and anything tragic, my primary fear is lack of independence. I hope our children are tough, intelligent and resourceful enough to make their own way and not rely on anyone to do it for them. In discovering and harnessing happyness, there’s an inevitable and perpetual sense of accomplishment in owing that achievement to nothing and no one but yourself, family and friends; the Village, if you will.

Perhaps the polar opposite to my hopes for their success, them failing to find individual independence and continually rely on others, is a looming fear I hope never comes to fruition. If one kiddo were to ever struggle, I’d hope the other would help unconditionally. Mom and Dad will forever be the reserve parachute but the two of them eternally navigating the world together is an equally weighted hope of mine.

I also fear my children will suck at poker. Just kidding... Kinda...

Final fear, as selfish as it may be, is that Jaci or I won’t be around long enough to see them reach their goals or successes. It’s an incredible moment to see them achieve what they set out to do (be it sports, academics or whatever) and not being able to share the joy of being backstage with Averi at her first concert or to not witness Camden build his first skyscraper is devastating to think about.

Ultimately, I hope these children do what’s right for them and for others. That they leave every situation in a better condition than they found it and that they love their family and friends...