The Savvy Ally

Jeannie Gainsburg is an award-winning educational trainer and consultant in the field of LGBTQ+ inclusion and effective allyship. Formerly the Education Director at the Out Alliance of Rochester, NY, she is the founder of Savvy Ally Action. She has personally facilitated or co-facilitated approximately 500 trainings and workshops in over 20 different states at corporations, colleges, government agencies, K-12 schools, and more. She is the recipient of the Empire State Pride Agenda’s Community Champion Award (2015), the Rochester LGBTQ Community Appreciation Award (2019), and a New York State Assembly Distinguished Educational & Human Rights Services Citation (2019). Her writing has been published in Pride Magazine, Metro Justice Newsletter, (585) Magazine, and The Empty Closet, and is currently on several LGBTQ+ websites. Jeannie lives in Rochester, NY with her husband, Ed, and her cat, Carlos. Visit her website and download free ally goodies at www.savvyallyaction.com.

Author’s Note

Preface

1 - Getting Started

Thank You

What You Can Expect from This Book

Defining Ally Broadly

Bringing My Friends Along for the Ride

Practice Makes Pretty Darn Good

The Power of the Ally

Allies Can Help Validate a Cause

Allies Can Be a Cultural Bridge

Allies Can Take the Heat Off of LGBTQ+ People

Allies Can Be Possibility Models

Allies Can Get Special Access

What’s Your Story?

Notes

Part I: Becoming Knowledgeable Allies

2 - Caution: Identities Being Defined!

Cisgender

LGBTQ+

Queer

Why Do There Have to Be So Many Identity Words?

Note

3 - Coming Out as LGBTQ+

Why the Big Reveal?

The Coming-Out Process

Identity Confusion

Identity Comparison

Identity Tolerance

Identity Acceptance

Identity Pride

Identity Synthesis

In Summary

From Theory to Reality

Coming Out Is a Lifelong Process

The Process Is Not Always Linear

It’s So Much Fun, Some Folks Do It Twice!

It’s Not Just for LGBTQ+ People

Coming Out Is Not Always the Immediate Goal

Responding When Someone Comes Out to You

A Better Metaphor for Coming Out

What to Say

What Not to Say

Future Fantasies

Notes

4 - Orientations, Identities, Behaviors—Oh My!

A Basic Diagram of the Components of Sex, Gender, and Sexuality

Biological Sex

Gender Identity

Gender Expression

Attraction (Also Known as Orientation)

Intimate Behaviors

Where Do I Fall?

Biological Sex

Gender Identity

Gender Expression

Attraction

Intimate Behaviors

An Advanced Diagram of the Components of Sex, Gender, and Sexuality

Answers To Our Questions

What the Heck Does Nonbinary Mean?

Can Transgender People Also Be Gay?

How Can I Tell If Someone Is Gay?

How Can Someone Be Asexual but Still Have Sex?

Key Ally Takeaways

Notes

Part II: Building Skills for Having Respectful Conversations

5 - Pronouns: Sharing, Gathering, and Using

Why Are Pronouns So Important?

Sharing

Gathering

One on One

In a Small Group

In Large Numbers

Using

Singular They

Neopronouns

More Than One Pronoun

Messing Up Properly

Notes

6 - LGBTQ+ Etiquette Tips, Common Bloopers, and Outdated Terms

LGBTQ+ Etiquette Tips

Tip #1: Ungender Your Language

Tip #2: Mirror Terms

Combining Tip #1 and Tip #2

Tip #3: Implement the “Switch It” Technique

Tip #4: Use the Correct Name and Pronoun

Tip #5: Focus on What You Need to Know

Common LGBTQ+ Language Bloopers to Avoid

Getting Creative with the Word Transgender

Confusing the Terms Transgender Man and Transgender Woman

Talking About Preferred Pronouns

Using the Word Preference Instead of Orientation

Using Language That Implies That Transitioning is Completed

Focusing on the Past

Asking a Gay Couple Which One is the Man and Which One is the Woman

Outdated Terms and Better Language Choices

Use Transgender Instead of Transsexual

Use Cross-Dresser Instead of Transvestite

Use Gay Instead of Homosexual

Use Typical Instead of Normal

Use Intersex Instead of Hermaphrodite

Use Different Sex or Gender Instead of Opposite Sex or Gender

Use Are Instead of Identify As

Avoid These Terms Altogether

Notes

7 - Gaydar and Other Problematic Assumptions

Gaydar

LGBTQ+ Myths and Stereotypes

Myths and Stereotypes About Straight/Cisgender Allies

Intersectionality

Notes

8 - Good Talk: The Art of Having Useful Conversations

We Are All Resistant Learners

Tips for Having Respectful and Useful Conversations

Put Yourself in the Hot Seat (Prep Work)

Set Your Listen/Share Dial to At Least 50/50 (Prep Work)

Assume Goodwill

Avoid Labeling the Comment or Behavior

Use “I” Statements

Find Common Ground

Educate with Examples, Not Definitions

Try the “Switch It” Technique

Listen for Those Myths and Stereotypes

Be Aware of Your Hot Buttons

A Night Out with Lou the Lunchroom Aide

An Ally’s Gift

Notes

Part III: Taking Action to Create More Inclusive Spaces

9 - Straight Pride Parades and Special Snowflakes: Addressing Common Questions

I Just Treat Everyone the Same; What’s Wrong with That?

Why Do LGBTQ+ People Have to Flaunt Their Sexuality and Get in My Face with It?

The Falsely Accused Flaunter

The Temporary Flaunter

The Fulltime Flaunter

I Know My Friend Is Gay—How Can I Get Him to Come Out to Me?

Aren’t We in a Good Place Now with LGBTQ+ Rights and Inclusion? What’s Left to Do?

Why Isn’t There a Straight Pride Parade?

Reality Check #1

Reality Check #2

Reality Check #3

Reality Check #4

Apparently, I’m Cisgender. How Can I Be Something That I’ve Never Heard Of? Do I Have to Go Around Telling People I’m Cisgender Now?

1) How Can I Be Something That I Don’t Even Know About and Why Does Someone Else Get to Define Me? (Confused/Irritated)

2) Is This New Word Really “A Thing” Or Will It Be Gone Next Month? (Skeptical)

3) Do I Have to Embrace This New Term? My List of Identity Terms Seems to Be Constantly Growing. Which Ones Do I Have to Share in Order to Be Respectful? (Overwhelmed)

Why Are LGBTQ+ People So Angry?

My Lesbian Friends Call Each Other Dykes. Why Is It Okay for Them to Do That But Not Me?

I Thought People Were “Born That Way”; Now You’re Telling Me That Being LGBTQ+ Can Be a Lifelong Journey of Changing Identities? WTF?

I Feel Like I Can’t Say Anything Anymore Without Offending Someone. Don’t You Think We’ve Gone Too Far with All of This PC Language?

Notes

10 - Duct Tape Patch-up Jobs and Big Fixes

Educating Others

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs with Our Educational Opportunities

Big Fixes with Our Educational Opportunities

Increasing LGBTQ+ Visibility

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Increasing LGBTQ+ Visibility

Big Fixes for Increasing LGBTQ+ Visibility

Revising Forms

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Revising Forms and Paperwork

Big Fixes for Revising Forms and Paperwork

Updating Policies

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Updating Policies

Big Fixes for Updating Policies

Fixing Gendered Facilities

Duct Tape Patch-Up Jobs for Fixing Gendered Restrooms and Other Facilities

Big Fixes for Fixing Gendered Restrooms and Other Facilities

A Special Note about Signage

Notes

11 - Creating LGBTQ+ Inclusive Spaces in Different Settings

In Your Home

In Health and Mental Health Settings

Caring for LGBTQ+ People of Color

Caring for Transgender Individuals

Caring for Older LGBTQ+ Adults

In the Workplace

In Faith Communities

In Schools

Notes

12 - Taking It to the Streets

Rallies, Marches, Protests, and Lobbying

Talking with Politicians

Fundraising

Pride

Notes

13 - Now What? Questions from Allies in the Real World

Questions About Terms and Identities

Questions from Family Members

Questions from the Workplace

Questions from Teachers and School Staff

Notes

Part IV: Allying Responsibly

14 - Messing Up Properly

Accidentally Misgendering Someone

Offer an Apology or a Thank You

Forgive Yourself

Get it Right the Next Time



Try Again Right Away
Practice in Your Head
Write It Down
Add Pronouns to Your Phone Contacts
Practice on Your Pet
Imagine a Mouse

Making an Offensive or Hurtful Comment

Offer a Thank You and an Apology

Forgive Yourself

Get It Right the Next Time



Do Your Homework
Use-it-or-Lose-it
Share What You’ve Learned with Someone Else
Remind Yourself that Catching Yourself Is the First Step to Success

Blundering Again

Notes

15 - Backlash Against Allies

Ally Is a Practice, Not an Identity

Shut Up and Listen

“A” Is for Asexual

Key Ally Takeaways

Pay It Forward

Notes

16 - Sustainability

Take Care of Yourself

Be on Your Own Team

Treat Yourself the Way You Would Treat Your Best Friend

Give Yourself Permission to Fail

Use Positive Self-Coaching Tips

Keep a Joy Journal

Know Your Recipe for Wellness and Follow It

Think About What’s Not Wrong

Pace Yourself

Continue Your Education

Every So Often, Return to “Why?”

Notes

Discussion Guide

Glossary

Bibliography

Acknowledgments

Index

About the Author