Introduction

Life is a journey, and if you fall in love with the journey, you will be in love forever. – Peter Hagerty

When setting out on a journey, do not seek advice from someone who never left home. – Rumi

Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it. – Greg Anderson

Cheers erupt as the bride and groom kiss and are announced husband and wife. Encircled by loved ones and a beautiful autumn day, they begin their stroll off the platform and down to a rustic barn. A charming and finely decorated outdoor wedding is well underway, and memories are being made with every passing second.

Five years later, this once vibrant couple partakes in another significant event: a cold, vacant, and draining day of divorce court. Two people who were once embraced in pure love and excitement now sit far from each other silently and only speak through lawyers.

How could this happen? How did this couple grow so distant from each other? Where did they go wrong? And how about those couples who do not divorce but find themselves trapped in a loveless and sexless marriage? How does that happen?

In the pages ahead, we will explore what the experts have to say, what other men have shared, and what I have experienced, seen, and learned. I will provide you with the tools and a detailed map to help you navigate the incredible adventures of relationships and marriage.

I will point out common pitfalls and how you can avoid them, and I will prove to you that meaningful engagement in your relationship is the best time and energy investment for your health and income.

In this field guide, we will investigate difficult topics like money, sex, personal development, core beliefs, comparisons, love, patience, communication, and how to navigate these topics with honesty and openness.

I will help you discover the power of forgiveness and teach you to harness this superpower; you’ll learn about the rewards of offering patience and understanding.

I can’t lie; this journey will require change. Change that will make you stronger, wiser, and happier. This change can only be pursued for you—not her. You can’t change her, but you can change yourself.

Knowing what lays ahead

Millions of men and couples are counting on their “special” connection to remain strong and special for all time, but they seek little to no relationship wisdom. Most men are operating off their own faulty and singular experience. They have neither been offered deep counsel nor have they attempted to explore the wealth of relationship knowledge available in books, articles, and the hearts and minds of other men.

This knowledge can be used as a roadmap to foresee upcoming obstacles and avoid them or plan for them. I have done my homework and studied the maps through and through: I don’t want you leaving your relationship or marriage to chance. I want you to be prepared for the greatest journey of your life. Marriage can truly be a beautiful sanctuary with soft beaches for romance, adventure in the hilltops, and nourishment around every corner.

As I write this book, my wife and I are coming up on our twentieth anniversary. My curiosity and exploration of this topic began four years ago. It led to me reading, observing, conducting surveys, talking with numerous men, and undergoing a lot of my own self-discovery. Two years ago, at age forty-one, with eighteen years of marriage under my belt, I finally put pen to paper.

My marriage has always been pretty solid, and we grow stronger every day. But around us, we have watched as other marriages crumble. My heart has broken every time I walked alongside friends going through a divorce. Their experiences soon triggered fears that even my own children may one day experience this kind of devastation. This helpless feeling turned into curiosity which furthered my interest in exploring the complicated workings of a man’s heart.

I started an organization called Modern Chivalry Men, pursued the best version of myself, and hoped to inspire other men along the way. I developed twelve core values for a man to live by and challenged myself and others to live them out. The values are Adventure, Courage, Courtesy, Empathy, Faith, Fearless Love, Honor, Justice, Leadership, Loyalty, Passion, and Truth. This pursuit resulted in positive life changes for me and many others as we engaged in our lives and the community. Through books, conversations, and personal discovery, I continue to search for what I feel has been missing for so many men, including myself, when it comes to marriage. So much of what is to come for you has been repeated time and time again, and little is shared about the journey. In this book, I am offering you a peek into the future. Marriage is not unlike any other epic adventure. It will be full of challenges and triumphs, but remember, you have what it takes, and I am in this with you.

I’m a suburban dad with three kids, three dogs, two guinea pigs, and four chickens (unless you are on my HOA board, then I don’t know what you are talking about). I love God, my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, and the outdoors. We live in north Georgia, and both grew up in the Marietta area, a major suburb of Atlanta. We, however, love to always mention we lived in Fort Collins, Colorado, for four years, and it was one of the greatest adventures for our marriage and our family.

I’ve been in medical sales for twenty years. My bride has been in many different roles, but her passion is mainly for family and women’s ministry. My kids are into cheer, basketball, and soccer. Nobody seems to love the outdoors as much as I do, but I drag them along whenever I can. I love to fish, and I don’t care what I catch. I have spent many years going after bass but loved fly fishing in Colorado for trout. I just started exploring the rivers here in Georgia, and now I’m…hooked.

I did not grow up on faith and, in fact, was very anti-faith. But I would not be writing this if it were not for my pursuit of God, which began seven years ago. Alongside my marriage and being a father, finding my faith has been my most incredible adventure yet. This is, however, not a faith-based book, but I feel it’s important you understand that is why I’m writing it. For years, I prayed for God to guide me and provide me wisdom—out of these prayers came my calling to explore my heart and men’s hearts.

During my daily run, my mind would quickly slip into thinking about what it means to be a man, a husband, and a father. I would come home full of ideas and realizations that I felt the need to write down and share immediately. When I posted my musings online, members of Modern Chivalry Men (https://www.facebook.com/modernchivalrymen.org/) would message me saying “Thank You” or “I needed to hear that,” or comments and shares that encouraged me that I was truly on to something. So, I hope you find that to be true for you as you read this book.

When I look at my marriage, I have been incredibly lucky, but not necessarily smart or strategic. I don’t recall asking anyone what it takes to be a good man, let alone a good husband. I set out on this writing journey to capture the thoughts, ideas, experiences, and ultimately wisdom that my son, my future sons-in-law, and you will need to have a successful marriage. It’s important to be armed with knowledge and understanding and not just luck. I want you to have more tools in your tool bag than I did and to learn from other men who have been through similar experiences. I want you to see the road ahead a bit more clearly and be prepared for a journey that will be unique but not so unique that other people’s insight wouldn’t be very helpful.

If you are like most men, you have learned about relationships only by observation—your father probably took a less than vocal approach on this topic, and that’s presuming you had a father to observe in the first place. Most of us were given examples of how to be a husband and father by simply seeing what our fathers did or did not do. And now, suddenly, we are expected to be great fathers and husbands.

Imagine how this would play out at work. Could you be successful at your job today if you never asked questions or had any training? If you never had the opportunity to ask, “I don’t get it, why did you do it that way?” or “Can you explain why?” you would certainly have a slim chance of being good at your job. I’ve been at the same job for two decades and still have questions. Marriage is no different; going into it with just observational knowledge will leave you lost, frustrated, and ready to quit.

This book is set up to be a thought-provoking guide to your early years before and after marriage. It is not a deep dive into the answers but a discussion to get you thinking. As men, let’s be honest, we can be very prideful, and the world has told us we should have it all figured out and to “be the man.”

There are three paths ahead after marriage: a loveless roommate situation, divorce, or a lifelong adventure with the woman of your dreams. This is your guide to make sure you stay on the right path. Let’s get started; It’s time for a little...