Building Strong Human Bridges (eBook)

Building Bridges

I’ve been building human bridges my entire life. Since 1987, I’ve used The Ten Tools for Success to train educators, bankers, insurance professionals, and dentists. I’ve trained oilmen running wellheads in isolated locations of Canada, and power company lineman whose dangerous work took them to the top of power poles during blinding blizzards or ice storms. I’ve supported counselors, therapists, nonprofits, and everyday people who wanted to learn how to strengthen the human bridges in their lives. As with any construction tool, learning the basics comes first, including being ready to take risks to improve. The good news is, even as a beginner, every time one or more of the tools is used, you will grow. These tools create positive connections and build strong human bridges. They enrich, empower, and heal those that use them. As you explore the tools, you’ll learn that your success with each of the ten tools can lead to building strong bridges between individuals, and with groups of people.

Physical Bridges

The purpose of any physical bridge is to carry cargo from point A to point B. There are many different types of bridges in the world. A mail courier in the Amazon jungle might use a series of rope bridges to cross when the terrain is too difficult to build a road. Two of the primary east-west bridges in Seattle, Washington are eight lane bridges that float on Lake Washington, carrying thousands of commuters a day. Some military bridges are portable, but still need to support the weight of multiple military tanks. Even popsicle stick bridges created in engineering courses test students’ ability to engineer a bridge that will hold a heavy load. Depending on their purpose, each of these bridges is built to meet the special needs of those crossing the bridge.

For decades, engineering students have competed in bridge-building contests. At a recent competition, students built a bridge that supported a weight of over 1,000 pounds. The only building materials allowed were popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue. Along the way, the students learned important lessons. By trial and error, they learned that for the greatest strength, the sticks needed to be patiently glued together one stick at a time. When too much weight was attempted too soon, the bridge collapsed. In repairing the bridge, the students learned that broken sticks, sticks that had been glued back together, ended up being stronger than the new sticks. This lesson can help us when we consider building trust bridges between people; sometimes, a bridge that is repaired becomes stronger than the original bridge.

In life, we sometimes face unexpected adversity that might damage our bridges. We’ve all probably driven or walked on bridges in windy weather and felt the power of the wind as the bridge swayed. Natural disasters, such as strong winds, can destroy even the strongest bridges. In an epic wind storm in 1940, news footage of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge showed the high steel support towers swaying and the huge suspension cables straining as the bridge was pummeled by the storm. The concrete highway, held together with wrought iron, convulsed wildly and finally dropped into the water below. The bridge was not strong enough to withstand the storm. Every bridge—including both physical and emotional bridges—has load limits, needing a foundation strong enough to carry cargo safely, even in stormy weather.

Bridges of Trust

History’s messages are clear, building bridges requires the proper use of materials, tools, teamwork, and tenacity. A strong analogy exists between carefully building a stick bridge and the patience required to build a bridge of trust between humans. Trust is the glue of human bridge-building. Trust bridges must be built slowly. Human trust bridges can grow stronger from the failures and lessons learned during the communication process. Often, the heaviest weight in human bridge-building is the emotion brought to a situation and the ensuing conversation. A key focus in this book is learning specific, tangible tools to process these emotions and build stronger bridges.

As I share in the first chapter, “Solve It—Don’t Win It— (SIDWI)” is the step-by-step approach that produces trust, the Elmer’s glue, which holds the human bridge together. If two people address an emotional load that is too heavy before a strong enough trust bridge is built, the relationship slips back to ground zero or worse. If that slip happens, SIDWI needs to be restarted to provide fresh glue to mend the break in the bridge. Improvement in a relationship is not like a two-position light switch, with the light (or trust) being on or off. Rather, it is more like turning the dial on a dimmer switch, the light/trust getting brighter little by little. In building trust bridges, we succeed, fail, learn, tweak, apply glue, and then try again. This book focuses on building bridges and building people. You will learn how to support, nurture, and heal, even in the most difficult situations.

The Ten Tools

In each kitchen, garage, or shed, there are tools. Each tool has a specific purpose, shape, and design to assist with the project at hand. Like the tools in the shed, The Ten Tools for Success are tangible. These tools are strategies that can improve anyone’s personal and professional relationships. Whether it’s at the kitchen table, at the operating table, in the conference room, or at a traffic stop, The Ten Tools help with communication, relationships, and connections. The right tools, with careful practice, are the keys to personal and professional success. 

In this book, each chapter discusses how the reader sharpens their own communication tools. These tools can lead anyone to greatness as a leader, a spouse, or a parent. To support each of the following chapters, I’ve selected stories to illustrate how the tools can be successful in real-life situations. Some of these stories are sad, some are happy, and some are funny. These examples show how a person’s success or failure is driven by the tools they possess and by how well they use those tools.

Activities at the end of each chapter provide a deeper dive into how to start using the tool explored in the chapter. At the conclusion of Building Strong Human Bridges: Ten Tools for Success, a template for a personal action plan shares steps to begin incorporating The Ten Tools into the reader’s personal and professional life.

Navigating a conversation about emotional topics can be the toughest of all leadership challenges. “Tool #1: Solve It—Don’t Win It” focuses on how to listen, learn, and then lead. Success in using SIDWI relies heavily on the gatekeeper of all tools—the ability to positively connect with people. In Chapter 1, readers learn specific words and behaviors to build strong bridges of trust. Managing tough, emotional situations is always a heavy load, so these bridges need to be sturdy. 

I’ve been in situations where I’ve been wronged, and I was mad. My emotions were high, and I knew I needed to get myself under control before I moved into a conversation. “Tool #2: Leave the Sledgehammer in the Pickup” uses the analogy of comparing the many hammers used in construction with the different approaches an effective leader uses to achieve successful conversations. Chapter 2 focuses on ways to preserve dignity, avoid bullying, and care about what is going on in the other person’s life. The reader learns how to use the best hammer to get the job done.

“Tool #3: Don’t Major in the Minors” focuses on the need to prioritize in order to reduce stress. In Chapter 3, I share three, controllable concepts and strategies to deal with stressors. I have learned that if I stop and react to every negative word or incident I see or hear; I won’t have time left to build my team or pursue its goals. Following the tips of “Don’t Major in the Minors” helps me manage my time so I can lead my team and still have time for my family and myself.

“Tool #4: The 95% Rule” comes into play when I make a decision that impacts the whole team in order to change the behavior of a small percentage of the team who are not complying. This mistake has broad, negative impacts on a team. Failure to directly confront the negative behavior of the “5%” empowers them. In Chapter 4, I share strategies for successfully navigating this common challenge. The focus is on honoring and supporting positive, hardworking people while learning words and strategies to deal firmly with people that aren’t buying in.

“Tool #5: Don’t Kick a Sleeping Doberman” is about navigating the emotions of the change process. Examples, including when you should immediately intervene and when you should just monitor and let people process on their own, help to clarify the factors in these important decisions. Because either decision comes with its own set of consequences, in Chapter 5, I offer criteria to help with decision-making (i.e. when to step in or when to step back). The chapter concludes with a discussion of the challenges new leaders face when joining a team.

“Tool #6: You Can’t Please Everyone, But You Can Treat Everyone Right” digs deeper into selecting the best words and strategies to strengthen tough conversations. Key points of Chapter 6 are creating flow time and having people leave the conversation satisfied because they were heard. Giving all parties a voice is a key concept in this...