The Toddler Book (eBook)

CHAPTER 2

Bringing Up Children in the Twenty-first Century

Just before I came to write this chapter, UNICEF, the United Nations Children’s Fund, published a report entitled An Overview of Child Wellbeing in Rich Countries, of which Britain is one. The report came up with some pretty serious findings. Children in Britain were found to be the unhappiest and loneliest in the developed world. British children were also less fulfilled than any other children in the developed world and had more behavioural problems and a sense of ‘not belonging’. So many families today have almost everything that money can buy and yet children still don’t feel loved. These statistics make me very sad and they have caused me to think deeply about where we are going wrong in bringing up our children today. I feel that there has been a general breakdown in family life over the past thirty years, and this has fuelled a deep unhappiness in a lot of our children and young people. This has made me realize again the importance of positive, loving, secure parenting.

As I’ve been writing my books and talking to family members from three generations, a number of themes have emerged which suggest that many people see that positive parenting and family life have been eroded. In this chapter, I hope to set the scene for the rest of the book by talking about some of the changes in parenting and family life that have taken place in society in recent years.

Changes in Society

Fearfulness of Discipline and Boundaries

Sadly, discipline has become an increasingly dirty word in parenting. Let’s take a look at its definition in the Oxford English Dictionary: ‘Training that produces orderliness, obedience and self-control’. I feel that most parents would agree that these are good things and qualities we would hope for in our children. However, many parents have been afraid of becoming a ‘disciplinarian’: someone who enforces rules with punishment and imposes rigid discipline. This is particularly true of parents who have had a very strict and rigid upbringing and want to ensure their child does not have the same.

From the 1960s onwards there was a swing in society away from discipline and boundaries for children. In many ways, we may be seeing two generations of children who have been brought up with little clear guidance about what is acceptable behaviour. I think this is one of the reasons there are so many alarming newspaper articles about teenagers’ behaviour, television programmes sending the ‘experts’ in to help families in crisis over ‘tearaway toddlers’ and reports from teachers of uncontrollable children. I don’t believe we should lay the blame upon parents for these changes in society, as many parents were brought up with few boundaries themselves and have been left with a legacy of uncertainty about how best to discipline their own children. But I believe the tide is turning and more and more parents are beginning to realize that having boundaries makes for happier family life.

Children are not born with a set of rules, although at times you may feel they are – usually different from your own! I always say when I am talking to parents that it is you who need to set the boundaries. I believe passionately in loving, affirming discipline, which all children need for their all-round development. My aim in this book is to help you to feel confident with your child, to enable you to understand how to lovingly discipline her and to help to put the responsibility of consistent parenting back into your hands. I hope to equip you with methods of positive parenting for the most common problem areas with toddlers: behaviour (Chapter 3), sleep (Chapter 4) and eating (Chapter 5).

Breakdown of Family Relationships

Sadly, there are many reasons why family breakdown occurs. One of the most common is financial pressure, such as worry over unemployment, debt and how to provide for a family. This can lead to arguments between parents, and children soon pick up on the tension in the family, even if they are still very young. Financial pressure can often lead to a burden of overwork for one or both parents. Parents may be working long hours each day and hardly see their children. This can make parents feel guilty, as many would love to spend more time with their children, but the ‘busyness’ of life just takes over. This sort of existence puts a huge strain on family relationships.

Many parents are continually tired, often due to a heavy workload and the fact that young children can be exhausting. However, this becomes much worse if you’re also having broken nights with children who don’t sleep well and are up and down all night. Sleep deprivation is most destructive, as you are always just too tired to talk things through. Lack of communication can happen easily, and very soon you feel you’re not discussing anything that really matters. When you don’t have time or energy to talk, lack of agreement between you as parents – especially on the emotive issues of parenting such as discipline or eating – can lead to problems within the family.

During the 1960s a new divorce law came in which made it much easier for people to get a divorce, and in time there was less stigma around divorce until now nearly half of all marriages in Britain end in divorce. I speak from experience, having gone through divorce myself, and I know the pain it brings not only to the couple but also to the children, whatever their ages. Many couples feel strongly about their marriage vows and believe that marriage is for life, so it is devastating when their marriage ends in the divorce courts. I felt like this and struggled to come to terms with being a single mum, even though my children were older and not all living at home. In my case my husband and I remarried and it has been wonderful to see the healing within our family as well as the wider family. However, I recognize that some marriages are deeply destructive both to parents and children, and divorce is the only way through.

I believe that children need both male and female role models in their lives as they are growing up. Our family relationships act as a role model for our children of how to manage their relationships in adult life. The key ingredients, I believe, are love and stability, giving our children quality time and being consistent. Also, a real sense of fun is important for family life so that we are able to laugh at our mistakes and laugh with our children too. These attributes apply just as much to single-parent families, step-families and parents who only see their children at weekends as to the ‘traditional’ nuclear family.

Being a mother and a granny, and having worked with numerous families over the years, I understand that family relationships are not always easy. Life is often not straightforward, and just as you think you have everything sorted out, something else happens and you feel you are back to square one. In Chapter 12 I will be giving some practical advice on how to build a strong, secure family life and suggesting ways to help you enjoy being a parent. I will also be talking about how we can show love to our children in Chapter 13, which focuses on the spiritual and emotional needs of your toddler.

Rising Consumerism

I believe our consumer culture puts huge pressure on families. We live in a society in which we often expect to have everything we want materially, and to have it instantly. For some parents there is also a perceived pressure to ‘keep up with the Joneses’. This sort of lifestyle can cause tensions in a relationship, and often both parents have to work to service debts or large mortgages.

Many of today’s parents were brought up in a relatively affluent society, in which toys and holidays didn’t need to be saved up for. Often their expectations for their own children’s standard of living are the same or higher. It can be hard to say ‘no’ to your children when their friends seem to have all the latest gadgets, toys and clothes. Sadly, many parents see gift-giving as the way to show love to their child, especially when parental relationships have broken down. You may be surprised to find how happy young children are with very simple things to play with, rather than expensive presents. What our children crave most of all is our time and love. Loving your child unconditionally and giving him time are the greatest gifts you can ever give him.

I do see positive signs of the pendulum swinging back, with some parents keen to have a ‘simpler’ childhood for their children and becoming more concerned about consumerism and its impact on the rest of the world. In Chapter 12 on family life, I hope to give you some practical tips on having great times together without spending a lot of money.

Pressures on Parents Today

Living Away from Extended Family

Many people live far away from their extended families today for all sorts of reasons, whereas fifty years ago most couples started married life near their parents. This means that when couples have babies and raise a family they don’t have the hands-on help and advice from wider family living nearby. So we don’t have a culture of know-how being handed down through the family, and many parents feel isolated. It may be difficult for you to call on grandparents to come in and help or babysit if they are living on the other side of the country or...