Ten Pillars of an Awesome Marriage (eBook)

1.
CORE VALUES
(Building a strong foundation)

August 4, 1973, was a delightful day for a wedding. The temperature in Chicago was in the eighties, with no rain and a slight breeze. It was on that Saturday that my beautiful wife, Sharon, and I exchanged our vows and began a journey of love that would grow sweeter and more precious through the years.

On that special day, neither of us had ever heard the term “core values.” In fact, we were as unprepared for marriage as any couple could be! Both of us came from dysfunctional homes, had no real example of a Christian marriage, and had received no pre-marital counseling. I often comment, when speaking at marriage conferences, “All we really knew to do was the opposite of what we saw our parents do!” While that may be somewhat of an exaggeration, it certainly was not too far from reality.

Apart from someone’s personal relationship with Jesus Christ, the decision to marry—and whom to marry—is life’s most significant decision. I’m both shocked and saddened by many parents who fail to provide biblical guidance to their children regarding this life-changing decision—a decision that is designed by God to be lifelong!

My observation is that the typical engaged couple bestows more time and attention to the selection of a wedding gown, the choice of a caterer, and the hiring of a photographer than to the marriage. Too many couples fail to comprehend fully what author Florence Littauer wisely wrote, “After every wedding comes a marriage.”1

Having reared two lovely daughters, I certainly understand the desire to plan a beautiful and impressive marriage ceremony; in fact, most girls dream of that day! But of far more significance is a marriage that is rewarding and lasting. A marriage that can stand the test of time. One that does not dissolve due to the stress and pressures of life. A covenant relationship providing a template for children and grandchildren to embrace and follow.

To be blessed with a marriage that truly flourishes requires spiritual insight, stability, and strength. It must be constructed on tangible truths and timeless principles. Physical attraction and emotional connection are not enough. A successful marriage requires bedrock core values, values established on enduring spiritual precepts.

When my high school sweetheart and I were married on that gorgeous August day, we needed core values if our marriage was to last, not only to last but also to thrive—to be both enjoyable and fulfilling! We desired a marriage that pleased God and provided a pleasant and safe environment for our future children.

While we did not then know the term “core values,” we knew enough to realize that a strong house could never be built apart from a firm foundation. Core values based on God’s Word became that foundation.

As Sharon and I united our hearts and lives together, we also determined to meld our minds in pursuit of God’s Word. We were committed to do marriage God’s way. While in the infancy of our marriage, we acknowledged and accepted the principle taught in Amos 3:3, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” But what we lacked was a visible example from a seasoned couple who would model before our eyes a marriage relationship we could emulate.

We were married less than two years when God led us to launch a new Baptist church in Illinois. If you have ever been involved in planting a church, you are amply aware of the challenges associated with such a God-given endeavor. Along with all the joy and blessings also came a measure of stress and pressure.

Within eighteen months of starting the church, we learned Sharon was expecting our first child. Obviously, we were not only ecstatic but also aware of the added complexity of birthing both a church and a child! If that wasn’t enough, our new congregation was involved in purchasing land on which the church could build. On the property was a very nice house in which we would live. The problem we faced was a period of several months between the end of the lease on our rental house and the move-in date on the church property. The pressure mounted!

It was then God moved to meet two of our pressing needs: first, in providing a wonderful place to live; and second, providing a godly couple to model before our eyes an example of a spiritual marriage. Len and Racine Allard invited us into their comfortable home during this transition period of several months; their hospitality and testimony would change our marriage for the better.

We learned so very much about a loving and biblical marriage by talking with and observing this spiritual couple. What we did not receive from our biological parents, we acquired from these dear people. You see, their marriage was built upon core values of God’s Word! During our months together, we were able to see core values exemplified in daily life.

Mrs. Allard became the spiritual “mother” Sharon did not have; likewise, Mr. Allard taught me more about being a husband than anyone else did. They remained close to us until the Lord called them home. We were beneficiaries of their spiritual heritage, and for that, we will be ever grateful. Their influence, through us, has touched many homes.

WHY ARE CORE VALUES SO IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE?

1. Biblical core values will make a marriage distinct from the world!

The apostle Peter describes Christians as “peculiar people” (I Peter 2:9). In contrast to unbelievers, we are to live differently, and our marriages are to be unique and distinct from marriages of those who do not know Christ. While there are a myriad of differences, a couple’s core values are among the most important and revealing distinctions.

Scripture informs us, as Christ-followers, we are to live separate from the world (Romans 12:1,2; I John 2:15,16). But what in the world is the world? The word “world,” as used in these passages, does not refer to the “world of people”; because we are to love people (John 13:35; 15:12,13). Nor does the word “world” speak of the beauty and splendor of God’s creation. Following His creative work, God pronounced that “it was very good” (Genesis 1:31). Certainly, we are to appreciate all the blessings of God’s glorious creation.

The “world” of which Scripture provides a warning is in reference to a corrupt and sinful value system. Paul the apostle wrote that we “be not conformed to this world” (Romans 12:2). That is, our lives—and our marriages—must not take on the form of the world. A Christian marriage, and family, are to be distinct.

As Sharon and I, as newlyweds, began our marital journey, we learned that our entire relationship, and our roles as spouses and parents, should conform to God’s Word, not to the value system of an ungodly age. The world’s value system must never dictate a Christian’s beliefs and behavior.

1. Biblical core values will declare what is important in a couple’s marriage!

What you value you will appreciate, cherish, and prioritize. Life consists of daily decisions. In fact, every person enjoys or endures the consequences of past choices. Marriage is a union of two people who together must make decisions which determine family priorities. Core values speak to the use of time, money, and energy. Let me ask you—is quality time with your spouse truly important? Are communication and intimacy essential in your marriage? What about children? And where do God and His Word fit into your married life?

A couple’s value system will impact all these issues, and many others. Budgeting, personal schedules, and relationships will and should reflect your core values. The reality is this: if you do not control your money, time, and decisions, someone or something else will. What matters the most and what’s truly important should be a reflection of your core values.

God has given to each of us the power of choice, but not of consequence. Relationships crumble and marriages disintegrate through failure to identify and embrace core values that will lead to marital success and fulfilment.

Sadly, we are living in a disposable society. Divorce has invaded the Christian community at an alarming rate. The story is told of an elderly couple taking a walk when the wife asked her husband, “How did we manage to stay together for over fifty years?” He replied, “We were born in a time when if something was broken, we would fix it, not throw it away!” Even marriages of Christians fall victim to society’s disposable mindset. Far too many marriages are being thrown away.

1. Biblical core values affect a couple’s behavior!

It is not just understanding what is important in marriage, it’s a question of living out what is important. James, the brother of Jesus, encourages us to be doers, and not hearers only (James 1:22).

Creating a written list of core values is not enough; values must be more than an inventory of what you believe. Core values represent an action plan of how to live life, do marriage, and rear children.

Creating a core values document requires prayer, study, communication, and valuable time. And then applying your values will be even more demanding!

Practicing core values requires your attention, time, energy, and, in some cases, money. To be truly effective, your values will demand adherence and may, on occasion, oppose your...