Chapter 1 — Some Understandings about Divorce

The American Dream seems to have always been to have a happy and secure childhood, obtain a good education, find meaningful and financially rewarding employment, and love and marry someone with whom to spend the remainder of one’s life. For those of my generation the love-and-marriage part of this ideal was implanted in our minds through movies like Doris Day and Rock Hudson’s first romantic comedy, Pillow Talk, in which they go through mini-dramas and then end up married and living happily ever after. Of course at the time we did not know that Rock was gay or that Doris would go through many real-life marital troubles. One reality of reaching adulthood is that we discover that life often does not square with those movies or other myths we have learned about the American Dream.

Marriage is a cultural norm that holds the potential for a fulfilling life for two people. But the superficial romantic view of marriage that so many of us have been taught is clouded by many "dream" myths. Most marriages, even in this time of alleged enlightenment, begin with little more than a warm glow in the heart and a romantic hope of going off into the sunset together. Since so many couples enter relationships without exploring what a marriage commitment really means they often start out with a high risk of failure. The result is an unfortunate aspect of modern-day American life — a high level of divorce.

Divorce is a reality in our culture. We as a society need desperately to begin to accept this reality and learn how to relate to men and women who are going through this painful change in their lives. We should not ignore the needs of those who find themselves in this situation just because we do not think divorce is a good thing. Granted, it may not be the norm we want for ourselves or our society. Yet as with violent crimes, dreaded diseases, or natural disasters, when a divorce happens the people involved need all the help they can get from the community around them. They do not need moralizing or "You should have...." Those of you who are recently or soon to be divorced are in pain and working through a multitude of feelings. What you need most at this time is acceptance and understanding.

The aftermath of divorce seems to lead most people in one of two main directions. The first is avoidance. Those who take this route attempt to repress and reject the reality of their loss and cover their emotions in a flurry of activity. They try to avoid dealing with the facts of their divorce. They also go to great lengths to avoid working through their grief about the death of their marriage. The lifestyle many of them utilize to numb the pain is one of constant activity, with parties, sports, overwork, indiscriminate sex, and anything else that will keep them from thinking and reflecting on what they have experienced.

The people who avoid dealing with the emotional issues of their divorce also tend to be those who outwardly place most or all the responsibility for ruining the marriage on their former spouse. They seem to have a very hard time accepting responsibility for their own lives. Many of them marry again a short time after their divorce. Since they have not faced their feelings about the loss of the previous relationship or worked to understand its problems, the second marriage is usually a very high-risk venture. Also, many second marriages involve children from previous marriages, and the relationship between parents and stepchildren is fraught with danger. People who take the avoidance route in dealing with the emotional implications of their divorce, rather than using this time as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person, just add to the potential for more personal grief in the future. It should also be noted that those who do not deal with their failings in a marriage also do not usually examine other parts of their lives which may need improvement.

The other direction is taken by people who are sensitive and feel the pain of their divorce. They are usually looking for personal insights into their divorce and the realities of the changes in their life. They are open to working through the grief process, which is quite similar to the one that follows the loss of a mate through death. One of the first emotions usually felt is shock as the reality of the end of the relationship is made concrete by the physical separation and legal action. Some people experience real panic as they become aware that most of their previous memories of a secure life are gone. Even the poorest marriages provide some semblance of security. During the first few months after the divorce many people move rapidly in and out of these and other basic emotions.

The development of a whole new life is a great challenge and demands a large amount of physical and psychic energy. Periodically the demands feel so overwhelming that a person falls back and enters what might be described as a state of mild depression. The person gives up for a few hours or days, but this is usually temporary and passes. If, instead, the depression deepens and does not let up, it can become critical and should not be treated lightly as it can be a time when people may do harm to themselves. This depression is often linked to many feelings of guilt and failure. In contrast to those who avoid dealing with their post-divorce feelings, those who are sensitive often blame themselves for the collapse of the marriage. While it is important to accept responsibility for individual shortcomings in the relationship, a person need not feel responsible for all of the relationship’s problems. People who stay in the depressed or panicked state for more than a few days should immediately seek the support of a counselor who can help them sort through their feelings and begin to put their lives back into a meaningful perspective. During the first few months of dealing with divorce the emotional experience can be like a roller coaster ride with rapid ups and downs.

Unlike those who experience their loss through death, divorced people always have a living reminder around to raise memories of the past. Those with children have an even more difficult time as they are forced to have periodic contact with their former spouses for visitation and other maintenance functions involving their children. Where there are unresolved conflicts or personal insecurities the meetings can be continuing chapters in their sad story. The unfortunate reality is that if you have young children you are never really divorced from their other parent. These contacts can also raise a surge of emotion in those who did not initiate the divorce. It is vital for people to work out all the feelings triggered by their divorce in order to be free in the next stage of their lives. Remember that the marriage is over and you are at the point of creating a new life.

Even those who go through a "normal," uncomplicated divorce experience many emotional ups and downs. One day life is a new challenge and you are full of hope. The next day you may feel like crawling into a hole. The downs lead many to look for a substitute who is some kind of fantasy mate, but there is seldom any real depth in these relationships because they are not based on reality. They usually do not last and when they end the person goes through another period of grief and either withdraws, rejecting all offers of social activity, or tries to bury the feelings by plunging into many activities. This is a very erratic time of life for most divorced people. In many ways it is much like the period of human development we all remember as adolescence.

Sensitive people face these erratic feelings at the same time they face the reality of their new life situation. They start to examine both the errors and the positive aspects of their previous relationship in an attempt to learn from them. Once they begin to work through their grief they develop new understandings of their identity as a single person. This seeking leads some into such paths as individual counseling, growth groups, community groups, and new adventures in education. Outsiders can tell when friends have made a good start toward acceptance of and adjustment to their new life situation, because their life levels out and they start to set new goals for the future and may even appear to be more at peace with themselves.

Since you are reading this book it is probably a safe assumption you are one of those people who want to find both healing and growth out of this experience. The following chapters present many tools to help you in that growth. Even though all these tools can be beneficial, no one is expected to be interested in doing everything outlined in this book. The hope is that you will find a few tools to help you in your journey.

The focus will be on communication and feelings. You may be already aware that effective communication was a missing factor toward the end of your marriage and possibly for some time before that. So taking time to focus on how to better communicate can only help you as a person and give your future relationships a much better chance of survival.

People often get defensive when the discussion turns toward feelings. I would say this is especially true of men. Yet feelings are the voice of our inner self, and if we are not able to express what we are feeling our lives are stifled. There is a great little book by Father John Powell, published in the 1960s, called Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? In the early part of the book the author shares a...