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We Are Built to Mentor

At birth we begin an emotional journey that propels us from the vulnerability of infancy, where we rely on trust in those who care for us, to the autonomy of childhood, where we eagerly embrace new experiences and master skills. This climb continues from adolescence, where we form our enduring identity, through young adulthood, where we form meaningful relationships, through later adulthood, where we focus on productively giving, and culminating in our senior years, where we reflect on our life’s journey (hopefully positively).

Our early years largely focus on our physical development. As we get older, we must shift from the physical trajectory, which has a steep incline from birth through our early 20s, where our physical abilities peak, and then a steady decline (Figure 1.1). Most of us focus on our physical trajectory, which makes growing older scary. What most don’t recognize is that our emotional course follows a steady incline from birth until our last breath (Figure 1.2). Our emotional path never declines! As we age, our emotions serve as guiding forces, prompting us to continue to evolve, to share our accumulated wisdom, and to shape a legacy that fulfills us. We are happier as we grow older despite our physical trajectory. I am 55 as I write this, and as I say to my undergraduate students each semester, “I can’t run as fast as you, but I am happier than I was when I was your age.” This is typical for adults. As we need reading glasses, can’t run as fast, and gather wrinkles, most of us wouldn’t trade our emotional well-being for that when we were 18, wrinkle- and reading glasses-free. I worked with a client who was in his mid-70s, suffered from COPD, and had very limited mobility. I asked how he felt. He said, “I feel just fine. I can read, work on the computer, and see my children and grandchildren.” Others assumed his physical state would deem him miserable, but he was just the opposite. He was satisfied with his life. He wanted to live longer and looked forward to each day.

FIGURE 1.1 Physical activity.

FIGURE 1.2 Emotional growth.

Our emotions inspire continuous self-improvement, a desire to share our knowledge with others, and the creation of a legacy that resonates with purpose. The stages these emotions help to create are universal. They transcend geographical boundaries, financial status, and work. We are inherently wired to share rather than hoard our emotional wealth.

Consider the iconic cartoon character Daffy Duck, comically standing atop a mound of riches, exclaiming, “Mine, mine, all mine.” The humor lies in recognizing that wealth alone does not define our core desires. Reflect on the actions you take for yourself and compare them to those you perform for others. Most people don’t want to stand alone with a pile of riches but would rather share them in joy with others. As we navigate through life, we rarely consider the emotional dimensions that underlie our choices, overlooking the importance or value of our emotional life. We don’t think about how good it feels to share, to see the world through the eyes of someone as they unwrap a gift we know they’ll treasure. Think of any Hallmark movie, with the grandparent taking the grandchild fishing and the joy that is the classic calling card that makes those movies popular.

In film, cinematic narratives vividly portray characters who undergo transformative journeys, mirroring the dynamics of real-life emotional growth. Take, for instance, the Grinch, whose self-serving nature initially compels him to sabotage the joyous celebrations of others. However, his heart undergoes a profound transformation when he discovers that true fulfillment comes from giving and fostering meaningful connections. The adage “’Tis better to give than to receive” is psychologically and empirically true. The examples in film are accurate in life too. We get so much from giving. It feels as if our own hearts grow three sizes when we see others accepting our gifts, whether they be a coveted physical gift or an abstract transfer of knowledge or wisdom.

Fictional characters such as Ebenezer Scrooge exemplify the innate human desire to give back, transcending material wealth in search of genuine joy. I call this the Ebenezer effect. Scrooge was a self-made man, wealthy, living in a mansion with servants taking care of his every need. But he was miserable until he became generative (having an innate urge to care for others without expecting anything in return) and gave back. As soon as he shared, he felt joy. The story works because this is how it is in real life, too. Although outliers may exist—individuals who cling to their riches without sharing, focusing solely on themselves—such instances are exceptions rather than the norm, and many/most individuals undergo transformative changes before the end of their lives.

We, as individuals, become mentors not merely out of duty or a sense of responsibility but to experience the profound sense of being needed, useful, valued, and purposeful. We experience the joy of seeing our torch of wisdom being accepted by our mentee. Mentoring is a reciprocal exchange, providing validation, relevance, a lasting legacy, and a sense of profound meaning. As our physical bodies inevitably undergo negative changes with time, our minds and emotions continue to expand, fostering a journey of generativity that enhances the quality of our lives. Feeling validated, useful, valued, purposeful, and relevant are all basic emotional needs we are built to seek, and they bring us fulfillment because we understand (even if not consciously) that mentoring provides us with a legacy, meaning, and fulfillment. We aren’t just checking boxes leading to success. We are reaping the emotional rewards that come from caring.

I always refer to Marshall Goldsmith as Mr. Generativity. Acknowledged as one of the foremost business thinkers globally, Marshall has consistently held the title of the top-rated executive coach by Thinkers50 since 2011. He has worked with top business leaders and other leadership coaches for decades. He’s developed his own method for coaching and has built a reputation and company to teach other top coaches his method. At an age when most consider retirement, Marshall decided to give back everything he built up at no cost. He posted on LinkedIn an offer to teach his coaching method to the first 15 people who responded and agreed to pay it forward. Much to his surprise, 18,000 people replied. What began with 25 coaches quickly became the 100 Coaches™ Agency, representing a spectrum of global talent from coaches to business leaders. This group of people who wanted to learn Marshall’s method for free led to the formation of the company. He passes his expertise and wisdom to the top through monthly Zoom meetings, coaching workshops, in-person gatherings, and small group get-togethers with coaches throughout the year. They pass it on to their protégés worldwide through coaching and the books and podcasts they publish.

Generativity’s Roots

I’ve used the word “generativity” several times in the chapter, but what does it mean? World-renowned developmental psychologist Erik Erikson introduced the concept of generativity to encapsulate the emotional growth and altruism that define a significant phase of our lives. According to Erikson, generativity is when a “mature man needs to be needed” (Erikson 1993). It is characterized by caring for others without expecting anything in return. Engaging in generative acts is emotionally and psychologically healthy and deeply gratifying. And it’s easy. We can all engage in three forms of generativity: volunteering, philanthropy, and mentoring. I focus on mentoring because, whereas philanthropy requires giving money and volunteering to give time, mentoring is giving a piece of yourself to another to carry on something of you. It becomes a form of immortality as legacies are created, the wheels of innovation continue, and skills, values, and knowledge are passed on. When culture advances in a positive way, it is through this kind of generativity. While all forms of generativity are valuable, mentoring is the most personal and can make the longest-lasting impact. Religious beliefs, which have been passed down for centuries, are a prime example. Science, which builds on prior work, taught through mentoring, is another example. Recipes, values, and culture are long-lasting and continued because of mentorship that passes them down from generation to generation.

Generosity lies at the heart of generativity, as Stephen Post and Jill Neimark highlighted in their bestselling book Why Good Things Happen to Good People (2007). Giving to others is a form of self-forgiveness, contributing to overall well-being. Giving does not only benefit the receiver; individuals who engage in acts of generosity enjoy improved physical and psychological health. Generosity is often mistaken for generativity. Reciprocity is as well. I like to differentiate between the three: generativity vs. reciprocity and generosity (Figure 1.3). The breakdown is simple. If something can be generated beyond the transaction, it is generativity. Generosity is just as we know it to be: a kind gesture. An example is going to an ice cream shop, and the person behind the counter gives you an extra scoop of ice cream free of charge. That is generous....