The Whitby Rebels (NHB Modern Plays) (eBook)

ACT ONE

Scene One

Detention Order

Projection: ‘Whitby Harbour, 1991.’

It’s a bright summer’s morning. We hear the sound of seagulls and the gentle clanking of the halliards as boats bob on their moorings. The Helga Maria is moored to the harbour wall.

CAPTAIN BRENDA McCAWLEE is inspecting the boat; JACK tails her, anxiously smoking a pipe.

BRENDA. Hmmmmm.

BRENDA makes a note on her clipboard, JACK peers over her shoulder.

JACK. What was that?

BRENDA wafts pipe smoke out of her face with obvious annoyance.

BRENDA. Beg your pardon?

JACK. You said something.

BRENDA. I did not.

JACK. There was an utterance.

BRENDA. I uttered nothing Mr / Lammiman.

JACK. You ‘hmm’d’.

BRENDA. And?

JACK. Well, I’m just trying to ascertain whether that was an ‘everything’s shipshape – hmm’ or a ‘that’s going to be very expensive – hmm’.

BRENDA. Mr Lammiman I wasn’t even aware I’d ‘hmm’d’.

BRENDA gets out a tape measure to measure the bell. JACK rings it loudly; BRENDA does not appreciate this.

JACK. It works.

BRENDA. Evidently. But it must still be measured to check it’s / regulation size.

JACK. ‘Regulation’ yes I know.

BRENDA indicates for JACK to move out of the way of the bell.

BRENDA. If you would?

JACK moves a little. BRENDA indicates for him to move further back. JACK does. BRENDA indicates for him to move further back again.

JACK. Any further back I’ll be off the boat and in the harbour!

BRENDA. Also an option. If you’d prefer to wait elsewhere.

EDNA WHELAN interrupts, walking along the harbour wall with her paints and easel.

EDNA. Cooooooee! Glorious morning Jack!

JACK. Morning Edna.

EDNA. I just had to capture the light, if only Titian had ever made it to Whitby! Oooh who’s your friend?

JACK. Department of Transport.

JACK mimes pushing BRENDA off the boat and into the water.

EDNA. Well I have the upmost confidence Jack, it’ll be five stars or whatever you use. Ten out of ten! You’ll not find a finer vessel than the Helga Maria!

BRENDA has tuned out EDNA.

Excuse me, Mrs Transport Office?

BRENDA. That’s ‘Captain McCawlee’.

EDNA. I said you’ll not find a finer vessel than the Helga Maria.

BRENDA. Hmm.

JACK. See there, you just ‘hmm’d again.

BRENDA. Hmm?

JACK. Well now you’re just doing it on purpose.

BRENDA taps the bell.

BRENDA. This is two centimetres too small.

EDNA. For what?

BRENDA. The regulations stipulated by the Department of Transport.

JACK. Come come now, as if another boat would hear this sounding in the ocean and think ‘well it sounds like a vessel but it can’t be because it sounds two millimetres –

BRENDA. Centimetres –

JACK. too small!’

EDNA. Surely it’s not the size of the bell it’s the size of the dong?!

–

BRENDA. I am not here to argue with you Mr Lammiman, I am here to –

JACK. Nitpick more’s the pity.

BRENDA. Keep you safe.

EDNA. Would a bigger clacker help?

EDNA clambers aboard.

Within the casing? A bigger clacker would surely lead to a more resonant dong?

–

BRENDA. No.

Reads from her clipboard.

You need tape on the life jackets –

JACK. There is tape –

BRENDA. It’s frayed. New tape. New fire extinguishers and flares. Six regulation fire buckets inclusive of but not limited to three for sand, three for water. A door between midships cabin and the / forrard –

JACK. Mark this Edna, there is no door between midships cabin and forrard –

BRENDA. Exactly, Mr Lammiman. There isn’t and there should be. In case of fire.

EDNA. Surely you’d jump overboard if there were a fire on a boat?!

BRENDA. Not if you’re trapped in the midships cabin due to lack of a door, madam. Mr Lammiman, I had hoped you would have implemented more of our recommendations, I thought I had impressed upon you the importance… I’m left with no choice –

BRENDA hands JACK several forms and disembarks.

JACK. A detention order?!

BRENDA. These are legal safety requirements not mere suggestions. Attend to these in full and then we’ll need to re-inspect before your travels –

JACK. You’re banning me from sailing for some fire buckets and whatnot?!

EDNA. We’re going to the Arctic you know! I, for one, am not too fussed about fire!

BRENDA. You’re part of the crew, madam?

JACK waves to EDNA, trying to signal ‘no’. EDNA misinterprets this and gives JACK a salute.

EDNA. Oh yes, Able Seaman, Seawoman, Edna Whelan!

BRENDA climbs back aboard watching EDNA like a hawk.

BRENDA. You have much sailing experience Mrs Whelan?

EDNA. Indeed, we had the loveliest day trip to Scarborough –

JACK tries to signal to EDNA ‘further’.

– seden in Sweden.

BRENDA. ‘Scarboroughseden’?

EDNA. In Sweden. Yes. Lovely it was.

BRENDA. You sailed to Sweden and back in a day?

EDNA.…we were very lucky with the wind.

–

JACK. Thank you for your diligence Captain McCawlee –

BRENDA. What position do you intend to take on this Arctic voyage Mrs Whelan?

EDNA. Oooh, I’d say standing up when it’s nice, sitting down when it’s windy!

JACK. We do cherish Edna’s sense of humour –

BRENDA. So am I right in thinking, Mrs Whelan, that you won’t be the qualified master or one of the three deck officers that are legally required to be part of the crew on a journey into international waters?

EDNA. Not in a manner of speaking –

BRENDA. So what will your duties be within the crew?

EDNA. Well / I can –

JACK. We’ve yet to tackle exact / roles –

BRENDA. I addressed the question to Mrs Whelan and she seems more than capable of answering for herself. Please do go on.

EDNA. As I was saying I can turn my hand to all sorts.

JACK relaxes, that doesn’t seem too bad.

But I imagine my official capacity will be the officer for morale and light entertainment! It’s a jolly long way to the Arctic and the last thing we’ll be needing is people going round with faces like a wet Wednesday in Wakefield! Now I appreciate you have a job to do but I must say, is this so very necessary?! They didn’t have health and safety gumpf like this in the days of William Scoresby – who this very pilgrimage we will shortly undertake is to honour! Put that on your clipboard missus! When Scoresby and his crew set out to charter unknown lands did they think ‘oh we best not lads, cos that rope’s got a frayed bit and that clacker’s two inches too small’. No, they did not!

Now I may not have your fancy naval qualifications but I have a fine head filled with common sense, common sense that is sadly in short supply at many government agencies today, and I know to get out of the way of a fire and that when one travels by boat the only rule that really matters is to stay out of the wet bit!

–

BRENDA. Mr Lammiman would you face the stern please.

JACK wearily does so.

Mrs Whelan, could you point to starboard for me, please?

EDNA. Everyone knows the starboard side is the right side.

BRENDA looks up and down the boat alternately facing the stern and the bow.

BRENDA. Which right side?

EDNA.…the boat’s.

BRENDA disembarks.

BRENDA. Call the office when you’ve got a full crew list and you’ve carried out the necessary repairs Mr Lammiman.

JACK. And how am I supposed to get anything to make repairs when I’m not allowed to leave the harbour?

BRENDA. Catch a bus?

BRENDA goes to leave and then turns back.

It is a jolly long way to the Arctic Mrs Whelan. Much longer than that day trip you took to Sweden. That’s why we need to make sure the vessel you sail in is safe and up to code. Thousands of people die every year because they go in the wet bit.

BRENDA exits. EDNA nudges JACK in triumph.

EDNA. Well that’s her told.

Scene Two

Jolly Sailors

Later. The Jolly Sailors Pub in Whitby. A buzzy Friday evening. JACK is holding court, the centre of attention, king of the pub anecdote, talking to EDNA and PUB BLOKE. Some way through this, REVEREND PAUL...