WINTER

The rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater.

ISAIAH 55:10 NIV

The winter wind whips through our life as we confront the diagnosis of our loved one. We contemplate complex medical language and struggle to pronounce prescriptions for medications that held no significance to us before this season. Now, cold, hard truths slap us in the face while medical professionals tell us our loved one requires care.

We wrestle with feelings of denial and even depression. We bargain with the Lord and beg him for answers, and yet we’re often met with silence. We grapple with the death of our dreams as we realize our time now revolves around caregiving duties. Perhaps it’s the dream of raising a healthy child or growing old with a beloved spouse or having more time with a parent than the medical brochure implied we would. Suddenly having to navigate a new season of uncertainty, we mourn the life we feel we should have had as we enter a fellowship of suffering with our loved one.

During the winter months, we recall that the snow provides moisture, and moisture produces growth, and growth will eventually provide nourishment to those who desperately yearn for hope. Stay faithful. Winter doesn’t last forever.

1

OUR LORD’S PRESENCE

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

MATTHEW 26:38 NIV

The doctor stretched out her arm and drew circles on top of circles on the whiteboard, an illustration of how she viewed my unborn baby’s predicament: a presumed diagnosis of a stroke in utero. I sat there feeling like a child failing miserably at a particular subject in school, but the subject I was failing in was pregnancy.

My figurative teacher drew a large head to represent the accumulated fluid and then continued to draw more circles around that head, signifying swelling as the amount of fluid increased. I half expected her to write the word BOOM and draw scribbles depicting chaos after the head would ultimately explode. She didn’t. She simply said, “If I were you, I would take care of it and try again.”

That was the day I unknowingly became a forever caregiver. Throughout the remainder of my pregnancy with Lucas, my soul was overwhelmed with sorrow. I cried out, Lord! Please take this cup from me! But all I heard was silence.

Jesus knew my pain, and he knows yours too. He’s with us during the unexpected diagnoses, the treatments, the doctors’ appointments, and the agonizing decisions. He’s present in the sleepless nights. He enters our fellowship of suffering and keeps vigil beside us. He does for us what he asked his disciples to do for him. He stays with us, keeps watch over us, and comforts us. In their human frailty, the disciples failed him. But Jesus will never fail us. He will stay and keep watch beside us—always.

Jesus, in this new caregiving journey, I thank you for your continuous presence.

2

SUFFICIENT GRACE

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 CORINTHIANS 12:9 NIV

I hesitantly walked into a healing class and took my seat. A few weeks prior, I learned about the class from a church bulletin. It was led by a Spirit-filled doctor who’d been saved in his youth from a life of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll and converted into a larger-than-life, “Hallelujah, praise the Lord” type of personality. His energy was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. I was desperate for a miracle for my unborn baby and willing to set aside everything to pursue it.

An older, heavyset man named Walter sat beside me. He was a gentle, old soul and provided a sense of calm and belonging. Yet for all his kindness, Walter’s presence in this class posed a personal conflict in me. He needed healing for type 2 diabetes, most likely brought on by his obesity.

As we prayed for his healing, I felt sad and awkward for him. In my prideful arrogance I thought, Walter should pray to overcome the sin of gluttony. I was almost jealous of him and thought, If I could fix my problem, I wouldn’t be here. Life would be easier if I could simply take matters into my own hands and heal this baby instead of relying on God for miraculous healing.

A few months after the class, I read that Walter had passed away from diabetic complications. His death sobered me and made me realize how much Walter relied on God in his weakness. He loved the Lord, and he was right to rely on him. I wondered if I did too.

Do you rely on the Lord for your strength, or do you struggle with urges to control things, like I do? Release any perceived notions that you have control, for his power is made perfect in our weakness.

Lord, may I rely on your love and provision and not lean on my own understanding and strength.

3

ANGER LEADS TO HARM

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm.

PSALM 37:8 NLT

When I was weeks away from giving birth to Lucas, my family threw a joint baby shower for my aunt and me. My aunt had recently married, and she was quick to get pregnant since her childbearing window was narrowing. She was forty-one and had a perfectly healthy baby inside her womb; I was twenty-seven and had a baby declared terminal inside mine. It felt like a cruel joke.

No one knew if they should congratulate me or grieve with me at this awkward event, and I had to tiptoe around everyone else’s discomfort. I eventually ran to the bathroom to slow my quickening breath and to stop the shaking that had overcome my body. I silently screamed into the mirror, It’s not fair, Lord! I hate this!

It’s natural to get angry when life doesn’t feel fair, which can be a daily occurrence as a caregiver. But according to the Lord, holding anger in your heart only leads to harm. It didn’t solve or change anything when I gave in to my intense anger that day; I only missed out on the blessing of a baby shower. Nineteen years later, I can see the Lord’s hand over my life, but in my anger, I could only see unfairness. Release your anger to the Lord.

Lord, take my anger and replace it with your peace.

4

WORK AS WORSHIP

The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.

GENESIS 2:15 NIV

As the date of my C-section approached, I began to fret about the lack of time I would have available for the Lord after the baby was born. I spent most of my time during pregnancy reading Scripture, listening to worship music, and pressing into the Lord’s provision through prayer. My soul yearned for this constant renewal through these disciplines, and when I realized that my baby’s birth was going to hinder this sweet time of communion, I became a bit panicky.

Lord, I whispered, I need this with you. I need to have my soul drenched with your presence. I need to continuously be enshrined in your love.

Yes, he whispered back. The drenching of your spirit was necessary for a time, but when your baby arrives, you will worship through the care of this child whom I have called you to raise.

We often think of worship as singing, dancing, praying, lifting holy hands, and reading our Bibles, and yes, those are beautiful and necessary forms of worship. There is a time to be saturated in this way, and then there is the act of worship through our work in the same way that Adam and Eve were called to work in the garden.

I had to shift my priorities after Lucas was born because he required never-ending care, but because I had poured my soul into praise and prayer in the months prior, the Lord equipped me to accomplish the task of raising my special boy.

Lord, help me to see my work as worship.

5

FIND FREEDOM

About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.

ACTS 16:25–26 NIV

When I was seven months pregnant and had already received the hopeless diagnosis for my unborn child, I attended a healing service at church. When the pastor called forward those who needed healing, I waddled down, tears streaming and mascara smearing, and knelt at the altar. With my hands raised in praise, I begged Jesus to heal my baby. My desperation allowed me to set aside my ego, which was ultimately an act of surrender.

Perhaps Paul and Silas felt desperate when they were imprisoned. They probably wondered if they were going to die, and their desperation allowed them to set aside their egos. Their surrender to God led to a release of control, and they sang and prayed at the top of their lungs. Their surrender released action in the eternal realm and brought freedom!

My praise didn’t bring the exact...