Your Divorce Advisor

Diana Mercer, J.D., is a divorce mediator in Santa Monica, California, and a partner in the law firm of Noyes & Mercer, P.C., which specializes exclusively in family relations law.

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1: The Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce:

A View from the Summit

Beginning at the End

Overview of the Legal Process of Divorce

Emotional Guideposts for Divorce

Chapter 2: Planning For Success:

Your Success Depends on the Path You Choose

The First Steps

How Do I Start the Legal Process?

How Could This Be Happening to Our Family?

Why Are My Feelings So Complicated?

What Will My Family and Friends Think About Me?

The Next Steps

What Should I Do Before Leaving?

What If I Can't Mobilize Myself to Do

This Planning?

Personal Assessment

Chapter 3: Making the Initial Decisions:

Charting Your Own Course

What Are My Legal Options for Ending a Relationship?

What Are My Options for Divorce Representation?

How Do I Find, Choose, and Use a Mediator?

How Do I Find, Choose, and Use a Lawyer?

Emotional Ramifications of Early Legal Decisions

How Do I Handle the Conflicts That Arise Between Us as We Prepare to Divorce?

Personal Assessment

Chapter 4: Steps to Success: Taking one Hill at a Time

Filing for Divorce

Does It Make a Difference Who Files First?

Preparing Your Spouse to Receive Divorce Papers

Arranging for Service of the Papers

The Mandatory Waiting Period

Staying in or Leaving the House

What Are the Legal Issues We Must Settle During the Waiting Period and Prior to Divorce?

Alimony

Property Division

Personal Property in All Jurisdictions

Assets

How Do We Use Our Assets for Mutual Benefit?

What Should We Do About Our House?

Tax Considerations

Fault

Will Fault Issues in the Divorce Impact Asset and Property Division Even in "No-Fault" Divorce?

If Fault Rarely Affects Asset and Property Distribution in Court, What Role Does Fault Play in the Divorce?

What Will Be Happening Between My Spouse and Me During This Time?

Negotiating with Your Spouse: Skills and Tips

How Do I Manage My Anxiety During This Time?

What If I Have Sex with My Spouse?

What If I Want to Date Someone New?

What Do I Do If I Want to Have a Calmer, Friendlier Divorce but My Lawyer Has Advised Me to Be Tougher?

Personal Assessment

Chapter 5: Evidence and Pretrial Procedures:

You Can Never Be Too Prepared

Putting the Evidence Together

Discovery: Releases, Interrogatories, Depositions,

and Subpoenas

Hidden Income

Personal and Fault Issues

What Are the Standard Pretrial Procedures?

Court-Sponsored Settlement Conferences

How to Use Pretrial Process

When and Why Should I Go to Trial?

Effecting a Settlement

Personal Assessment

Chapter 6: Trials: Taking the Long, Hard Route

Court Intervention

What Is the Procedure in a Trial?

What Counts as Evidence?

What Documents Are Needed by the Court?

How Can I Do Much of the Work Myself and Save the

Lawyer's Fees?

What Kinds of Witnesses Should I Consider?

What Kinds of Discovery Can Be Used at Trial as

Evidence?

How Do I Prepare for the Financial Part of the Trial?

If I Did Something Along the Way That May Hurt My Case, Should I Lie About It?

What If My Spouse Is Lying?

What Am I Likely to Be Feeling During the Trial?

Personal Assessment

Chapter 7: Taking Care of Myself and My Children:

How Not to Get Lost

The Decision to Separate

How Do We Tell the Children?

How Will My Children Feel and React?

How Can I Best Help My Children During This Early Stage of Divorce?

Will My Children Be Okay in a Divorced Family?

Personal Assessment

Chapter 8: Legal and Residential Arrangements:

Finding Familiar Paths For Your Family

What Are Our Legal Options for

Raising Our Children After Divorce?

Shared Parenting (Co-parenting) Versus Custody

What Are the Benefits and Drawbacks of Shared

Parenting?

Do Children Fare Better in Shared Parenting Schedules Than in More Traditional Custody Situations?

Developing a Schedule for Living Arrangements

What Are the Most Common Living Arrangements and Schedules Adopted by Divorcing Parents?

Are There Alternatives to the Typical Shared Parenting

Plans?

What Are Recommended Schedules for Children of

Different Ages?

Common Misconceptions in Thinking About Shared

Parenting

What Are the Necessary Elements of a Parenting Plan?

What If We Can't Agree?

What Do I Do If My Child Doesn't Want to Visit?

Can I Relocate?

Where Child Support Fits In

What Are Child Support Guidelines?

Child Support Versus Custody as a Financial Decision

Where Child Support Is Spent

Personal Assessment

Chapter 9: Contested Custody Cases:

Hazardous Territory and Loose Footing

When to Consider a Custody Battle

Telling Your Children About Why You Are Involved

in a Court Battle

The Special Features of a Contested Custody Case

Evaluations of the Child and Family

How Is an Evaluator Chosen?

What Happens in an Evaluation?

What Are the Criteria Considered in an Evaluation?

How Can I Maximize My Chances of Attaining a

Successful Outcome?

How Does the Court Use Evaluation Recommendations?

In the Event of a Trial

How Do I Help My Children at This Stage?

What Do I Do If I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

Personal Assessment

Chapter 10: Domestic Violence and Other Forms of Abuse:

When the Route Is Really Dangerous

Definitions of Violence

Patterns of Abusive Relationships

Setting Clear Boundaries for Yourself and Your Children

When Your Children Are Involved and Affected

What If My Child Has Witnessed the Violence?

Assessing and Acting When You Are at Risk

How Do I Recognize Whether I Am at Risk for My Partner's Abuse or Escalating Violence?

What Do I Do First?

What Constitutes an Abusive Relationship as Far as the Court Is Concerned?

Types of Protection Afforded by Law: Restraining Orders and Orders

of Protection

How Should I Prepare to Successfully Obtain a Temporary Restraining Order?

How Do I Enforce the Orders with My Spouse?

Both Men and Women Can Qualify for a Restraining Order

What the Order Can and Cannot Do for You

Children's Involvement in the Legal Process

What If My Child Is the One Being Abused?

Should Any Child Involved in a Violent Family Be Forbidden to See the Offending Parent?

What If My Children Don't See It My Way?

Emotional Blackmail of Children

Abduction

Personal Assessment

Chapter 11: Life After Divorce:

When the Horizon Beckons Anew

Follow-Up Tasks

To-Do List

Obtain a Certified Copy of Your Final Judgment

Credit Issues

Health Insurance

Social Security

Record Keeping

What Kinds of Changes May Need to Be Made in

the Future?

If You Do Not Have Children

If You Have Children

Enforcement of Orders

Embarking on Your New Life

How Can I Re-create the Healthiest Life for Myself and

My Children?

How Do I Handle Disciplining My Children?

What About My Own Dating and Sex Life?

How Do I Establish New Family Traditions?

Will I Ever Be Free of the Court's Reach?

Personal Assessment

Chapter 12: Conclusions: At the Summit

Appendix

Resources

References

Index